long awaited bowl

Over a year ago I posted an entry about a blue bowl. (See September 2003 posts.) I broke a favorite antique family bowl. Since the incident I've been scanning shelves at flea markets looking for a replacement. No luck. Today I arrived at work to find a wrapped gift sitting in front of the keyboard on my desk. The card said, "to Rebecca." This baffled me because my name is spelled "Rebekah." I assumed it was a baby gift, but could not figure out who would give me a gift yet not know the spelling of my name.

I opened the card and glanced at the name at the bottom of the note. It was from a girl that I barely know!!! She is a friend of a friend, a slight acquaintance. She's one of those people who I knew of, but I was not sure if she even knew who I was. I guess she knows me, too! Her note said that she reads my blog from time to time. She remembered my blue bowl story so when she found the small blue bowl at a flea market she bought it for me!!!!

I am a gift person. I love buying gifts for people. Rarely do I receive something so perfect as this morning -- this aquaintance must be made of the same gift/giving/receiving material of which I'm made. I felt a kindred spark as I read her note and tore the yellow pokka dot paper from the worn blue bowl. It was a wonderful way to start a Friday morning.

T H A N K Y O U H E I D I ! ! !

unexpected disappointment

I am truly happy about having a girl now. It took me a day or two to get to this point. After the ultrasound I was surprisingly baffled and sad. Chad and I went to a small town diner for breakfast after the appointment. As we waited for our food a family of three sat down at a nearby table. They had a 2 year old boy. My heart sank as I realized I wasn't having a boy. Later that evening my mom and I went shopping for baby clothes. As I sifted through the clearance rack I paused at each boy outfit with a sigh.

Two years ago my heart was set on having a girl. Then something happened and the idea of a baby boy became endearing. When I found out I was pregnant my instincts told me it was a boy. As an ENFP I trust my intuition a lot. It usually proves correct. I rationally understood that the baby might be a girl, but I purchased boy items and pictured a blue baby room. We settled on a boy name. (Logan Hunter.) When the ultrasound-lady told us it was most-likely a girl (she was 90% sure), I was surprised and numb.

I've gone through a mild process of grief to accept that this baby is not a boy. I am elated to have a girl, but also sad for the boy that will not be. I did not expect these feelings to be part of finding out the sex of the baby. I thought I'd be joyful just like I was the day I found out about the pregnancy. Instead I've had to process my feelings and thoughts to get to that excited place.

Now I'm ready to think GIRL. We've settled on the name Melody. For middles names we're thinking about Leah, Kate, and Raine. (Any opinions of these are welcome! I like hearing people's thoughts.) I've also been brainstorming about the nursery. I think we'll still do a blue & green theme with small doses of pink here and there. We'll paint the walls a pastel aqua color. I plan to paint large pokka dots on one wall with a gloss version of the same color. Another wall will get wide stripes.

It's been a weird week. I'm thankful we found out the sex of the baby now, rather than waiting; this way I feel more emotionally prepared than I would otherwise. Of course, there is still small chance it could be a boy... when I start thinking about that I get all weird again.

IT'S A GIRL!!!

Chad and I went to our ultrasound appointment this morning. The nurse said there is a 90% chance we're having a girl!!!! We are very happy. We have no preference for a particular gender, but all along I had a feeling it was a boy. When the nurse said "girl" I was surprised. It took me all day to get used to the idea of a girl. I've shared the news with my coworkers and family. Everyone squeals and hugs with joy. It is wonderful to have support and excitement around me.

The nurse said the baby measured big so my due date might change to Christmas day instead of January 9th. I would feel better about that because I've already gained 20 pounds! I'm starting to get uncomfortable. I have shooting aches along one side of my back and hip. Sleeping is getting difficult. I was a monster this morning. The idea of being two week further along makes me feel a little better. I am beginning to get antsy about the approaching 3rd trimester. I am also feeling joy and anticipation that makes the hard stuff worthwhile.

general happiness

I'm enjoying life these days. Being at home is one of my new favorite things. I used to be very social. I would make plans with people for nearly every night of the week. The weekends were full of company, meals with others, and talking on the phone. These days I'm different. I'm content to be at home alone. Chad traveled to Chicago last weekend and I soaked up the solitude like never before. In days past I would have filled my days with people, people, people. Instead I shopped alone, ate out alone, cleaned house alone, watched chick-flicks alone, planted mums alone and enjoyed every second of it. I even went to church alone! Before I would have never done that because I hated going to church by myself. Maybe the change is due to the sqirming life inside of me. I feel the baby moving about every 30 minutes! Or maybe I'm cherishing this alone time because in 4 short months I will have a baby to care for with minimal breaks. All I know is that solitude is my new best friend.

halfway

I had another doctor appointment today. We did the usual. Weigh in. Pee in a cup. Blood pressure. Doppler (heartbeat). Any questions? It was a fast appointment. The baby's heartbeat is stronger than it was last time. It goes swoosh-swoosh-swoosh. Chad and I smiled at each other as we listened to our baby's heart beating.I tried hard not to laugh with glee as I listened to it. Laughing causes static which overruns the swooshing.

We'll have an ultrasound in two weeks. If the baby cooperates we'll find out if it's a boy or girl. I'm ready to know!

little legs kicking

I'm feeling the baby move everyday now. I read last night that it's legs are the size of an adult little finger. No wonder the kicks are faint and fast! The book also said the baby kicks an average of 1000 times in a twenty-four hour period. I wonder how they know that? I guess the baby is working hard in order to grow muscles. Go baby go!

a productive weekend

Chad and I had a productive weekend. The biggest accomplishment made was a 10 foot picket fence across the edge of our front porch. Now that it is finished, it looks like a simple project; but it took us an entire Sunday afternoon to do. Chad made sure all the edges were flush and square. He cut 45 degree angles at the top of each picket to make a more 'finished look.' I like his attention to detail. We are pleased with the result. I'm excited to paint it white this week. I envision some homemade flower boxes along the top of the fence with springtime tulips. Maybe red ones. Do tulips do well in flower boxes? I don't recall seeing them that way.

In other news, I felt the baby move yesterday for the first time!!! I was laying in bed after a nap. I was relaxed and on my side. All of the sudden I felt a strong, faint, quick, flick. I think it was a kick? I smiled broadly and continued to lay there for 20 more minutes hoping to feel another movement. It feels even more real now. We will find out in 5 weeks if it's a boy or girl. Last night I dreamed we had a girl. All my other instincts say it's a boy.

to buy or not to buy

I have a confession. I am in love the Baby Gap clothes. I can browse their store with no concept of time, thumbing through the adorable prints and soft items. I get squealy when I see the tiny cargo pockets on the boy things and the delicate feminine trim on the girl things. I have not purchased a lot of baby clothes yet. I have a 25% off voucher for the Baby Gap for this weekend. I'm ready to go buy the whole store! My question is, how much stuff does a newborn really need? How many onsies will I need each day? Any advice of experienced moms out there is welcome!

better again

Well, the roller coaster continues and today I'm feeling better again. I'm very thankful that the overwhelmed-freakout-days only last for 24 hours. I was able to sleep last night and I woke up feeling much lighter. Part of the solution was probably the fact that I worked my bootie off in kickboxing last night. I'm convinced my stress level increases when I don't exercise. Side kicks are getting very difficult now that my belly is bigger. My balance and flexibility are going down the drain fast. Soon I'll be on the back row with the old people in the class. One guy is in his 60s and has had a knee replacement surgery. He's endearingly cute with his large black boxing gloves and skinny old man legs. He kicks only 6 inches off the ground and cracks jokes the entire hour. As long as I keep doing something I figure I'm better off than just sitting on the couch.

overwhelmed again

This pregnancy thing has me second guessing myself every other day. One day I feel on top of the world. The next day I am anxious, scared and full of questions. Yesterday was one of the bad days and it is overlapping into today. I feel stressed out about how to have this baby. Pros and cons of a hospital birth vs a home birth swirl in my head. I never thought I'd consider doing a home birth with a midwife, but the more I learn, the better it sounds. And yet, what if something goes wrong? I'd never be able to forgive myself.

I'm also worried about work. I try to take things one day at a time, but inevitably there are days when I want to throw up my hands and give up. "This is too much!" I think to myself. Then the next day I have a great time and I say to myself, "Wow. I love my job."

I guess I'm on the pregnancy roller coaster everyone talks about.

weekend of progress

Chad and I had an unusual weekend. Usually we spend lots of time with other people. Sometimes we do things with our friends individually; many times we hang out with other couples or several people at a time. This past weekend we didn't do anything with anyone. We spend the entire weekend with just each other. We didn't plan it that way. It just happened.

Friday I had big aspirations to cook enchiladas for dinner. I went to a chiropartor (for the first time) after work. The treatment made me feel like jello and I lost my desire to cook. We ended up at Abuelos; a nice mexican place. We shared avacado enchiladas and a layered dip.

Saturday Chad woke up at 5:00am! He just couldn't sleep. We ended up at Krispy Kreme at 6:45. Whew. I was so tired. A fresh, warm, glazed donut right off the belt made me happy. I spend the rest of the day organizing and arranging piles of photos into new leather albums. We rented a James Bond movie that night, but couldn't stay awake long enough to finish it.

Sunday we went to the early service at church. Going to the 8:00am service isn't easy, but we're always glad for the way it makes the day longer. After church we headed to our favorite coffee house. It's called Common Grounds. (We used to smoke cigars there until a city ordiance against smoking in restuarants was passed. Err.) We ordered and shared eachother's food. I got eggs & potatoes; Chad got french toast. He likes sweet things for breakfast; I like protien and salt. After breakfast we went to the granola health food store. I bought pre-natal vitamins, Ester-C, MSM, flaxseed oil, protien powder, and bread. The total for our undersized brown bag of items was $104. We gulped and reminded each other that any doctor bill is easily that much and we only make it to the health food store once or twice a year.

Sunday afternoon we spend the whole day at home. It was unseasonably cool outside. It rained on and off. The dog was lazy and slept at my feet while I continued the picture project. Chad sat at the other end of the table and worked on house plans. Every few minutes he'd hold the drawing up for me to see and ask a question.

"Do the dormers look right?"
"How big should this window be?"
"Should that closet be bigger?"
"Which way do you want this door to swing?"

We've devised a house plan that is about 1450 square feet. It is two story, four bedrooms, with porches, open kitchen/dining/living room, and big closets. I am more excited than overwhelmed at this point. Progress feels so good!

I completed the photo task through 2002. I still have a mammoth stack of pictures from 2003 to deal with. 2003 was our year of traveling so there are tons of pictures. After doing 1995 through 2002 though, this one year will be a cinch. I cannot believe it, but we had accumulated over 1500 pictures! And we're always saying to each other -- "We never take enough pictures."

Yeah right.

sweet relief

Ahh, the joys of Friday. It has been a long week. Nothing remarkable happened; maybe that's why it dragged on and on. I'm looking forward to my regular dose of weekend napping. It has become a routine... work all week; crash on the weekends.

I also have the desire to do some "nesting." Namely, commence the massive project of putting photos into albums. About two months ago I bought five identical large leather photo albums at Target. They will hold a total of 1500 pictures! I don't think we have that many right now, but with the baby on the way I figured we use them soon enough. (I'm more of an album girl than a scrapbooker.) We have piles of envelopes full of pictures from college days, dating, engagment, wedding, honeymoon, birthdays, holidays, traveling, everyday life, pets, new house, etc. It is time to get them in order! We will see if this is the weekend I tackle the project or not...

freakout

Last night I had a freakout. I was intensely overwhelmed. The prospect of buying land & building a house is too much for me to fathom right now. I love the idea of being in the country, settled into a custom home, surrounded by trees and chirping birds. But the thought of moving in my 3rd trimester, or worse, with a newborn, absolutely freaks me out.

I'm also worried about the hospital at which I've chosen to have the baby. I feel great about the doctor, but stories about the nurses and facility make me second guess my decision. What is more important -- the staff or the doctor? Any opinions out there? I need them.

Work is also a lot these days. I'm in my 3rd week as a Gifts Designer. (I used to design Cards only; now I do candles, journals, gift bags, frames, and all kinds of other things.) I am happy in the new department. I made the right decision. BUT, the transition is difficult. I wake up most nights thinking about pressing projects, late dealines, and the unknown aspects of my job. Last night it all came crashing down on me. I decided to skip karate. I usually go for Chad's sake. Last night I wanted to think of only ME. :)

So I stayed home. I accidentally fell asleep on the counch at 7:20. Fourty minutes later I woke up in a panic. No! Now I won't be able to sleep, I thought. I grabbed the leash and took the dog for a long brisk walk. The humidity made it less than pleasant, but I wanted to tire myself out so I'd be able to sleep. After awhile we crossed the street to take a look at the cows in a field near our neighborhood. (This is Arkansas I'm talking about.) There were about 30 cows... half mamas and half babies. The babies were very interested in Montana. They walked right up to the fence to check him out. Any movement I made startled them, but the dog didn't bother them at all. We stood there a lot time. I talked to a litte dark brown calf; the cutest one.

Hanging out with the cows was good for me. They made me smile and momentarily forget about my adult worries. Maybe living in rural Arkansas isn't so bad after all.

sunday motorcycle ride

Yesterday afternoon Chad and I went for a motorcycle ride. It was the first time of the season for me to ride. I have been apprehensive about riding because of the pregnancy. I have a whole new set of anxieties and fears now. As we drove out of the neighborhood I wondered silently, "Should I be doing this?"

Chad is an overly cautious person. He knew I was nervous so he went extra slow. We drove to our favorite frozen custard place; 20 minutes from the house. We ordered a large mint-oreo contrete. Behind the drive-thru establishment was a small field of thick grass and trees. We sat in the shade and shared the custard slowly. Chad is a good sharer. We don't eat faster, faster, faster to get more. We go slow and give each other time. I've always liked this about us.

After we finished the custard he showed me how to wistle with grass between my thumbs. I put the grass to my mouth, blew, and shocked myself with the shrill sound that ensued. I was pleased because I typically can't figure things like that out. Then he showed me how to blow into my closed hands to imitate the sound of a whipper-will bird. (That is probably spelled wrong.) I felt like we were kids, playing on a summer afternoon.

On the drive home I was able to relax and enjoy the wind. Chad could tell I was more at ease and he gunned the accelerator on the straight parts of the road. I held on tight and smiled. Soon I'll be too big to fit comfortably behind him on the bike. I'm enjoying our last months of being married without kids.

overalls

I'm enjoying wearing overalls these days. They feel good because they have no waistband. This weekend I'll "turn" 15 weeks. It is fun to be almost four months pregnant. My body is already very different. I've gained about 10 pounds. I am thick in the middle. I've started wearing semi maternity clothes. Several girls have loaned/given me maternity items. I should not have to buy much. This makes me happy because I'd rather spend money on the baby!

While in Atlanta I bought several baby items. I have a feeling we'll have a boy so I purchased boy things as well as neutrals. My favorite is a Gap outfit. It's baby blue & white... a onsie, matching striped pants (with a drawstring) and a striped hat with a knot at the top. It is absolutely adorable. We'll have the unltrasound to see if it's a boy or girl in September. I will be shocked if it is a girl. Either one is perfect though. I am glad I don't have a preference.

I feel back to my normal self again. The past two weeks I've had energy! I still tire easily, but the icky stomach stuff is gone as well as the restless nights. I am sleeping better again. They say the second trimester is the honeymoon phase of pregnancy. So far that is true for me. Although I've been hugely happy every day since I found out; even when I felt icky.

I haven't taken any pictures of myself yet. I need to start as I look mildly pregnant now. I have low aspirations as far as scrapbooking goes. Many women excitedly ask, "Will you do a baby scrapbook?!" I just don't want to. Instead I'd rather do simple photo albums with blurbs of writing next to the pictures. Or I might opt for a Hallmark baby book. They have some beautiful ones.

swamped and happy to be home

I've been away for awhile. Part of this absence is due to travel. I went to Atlanta for six days. The first half of the trip was work-related. The second half was spent hanging out with friends and their toddlers. The idea of dealing with a toddler on a daily basis scares me. I'm super excited for the baby, but a toddler? I've never been a very patient person. I'm glad the toddler stage is on that comes later and not right away.

It is wonderful to be back home. I love traveling and I also love returning home. I missed Chad while I was away. By the time I saw him at the airport I was giddy with love and affection. It is fun to rekindle those junior high feelings of adoration every once in awhile.

Work is challenging right now. I have looming deadlines and I'm not sure how to get to the finish line. I have a lot to learn. I've been enjoying quiet time in the morning everyday. Time to sit outside, be quiet, pray, read, and think. The new job position has made me depend on God more than I've had to in the past few years. When life is easy and fun I don't go to Him much. It's the challenges and the hardships that remind me of my need for His presence and help. I'm glad He is always there ready and waiting.

homestretch

The party went well. It was really nice. My coworkers served Bumble Bee Pie from a local diner; it's my favorite. They layed quilts on the floor and we ate picnic style. Their goal was to keep things low key. I appreciated this gesture a lot. People took turns saying nice things about me, but it didn't get too mushy or emotional. At the end they prayed for me and gave me a basket of cards from each of them. Surrounding the cards were two receiving blankets for the baby. (The first blankets I've gotten!) I have not read the notes yet. I'm waiting for a quiet time and place. They wished me well in my new job; I'm simply downstairs from them. I'm happy the party is behind me. Of course it wasn't anything to be anxious about, but that didn't stop me from fretting. I am worn out from a week of change, closure, and new things.

Happy Friday everyone!!

party nerves

This afternoon my old department is having a goodbye party for me. The company I work at is good at celebrating birthdays, babies, weddings, and goodbyes. The events usually involve lots of food, encouragement, and good things said about the person. I have been nervous about the party for two weeks. Usually I don't mind being the center of attention. For instance, my wedding day was super fun. Chad, on the other hand, hated having all those people looking at him. For some reason I'm apprehensive about this goodbye party. Hopefully my anxiety is unmerited. I will past again this afternoon to update on the outcome.

new office / sore bootie

I moved work areas yesterday. Instead of being in a secluded corner spot upstairs, I'm in a high traffic area downstairs. Also, I'm right by the exterior door everyone uses to enter and exit the building. My coworkers looked at me with sympathy when they heard where I was moving. The great thing is, I love the new area! There are a few reasons I'm not phased by the change. 1) Our whole department is moving to a new location soon, so this spot is temporary for me, and 2) I'm happy to FINALLY be doing my new job as a designer for Gift Products instead of Greeting Cards. The change is overdue and I'm elated to embrace it.

In order to move yesterday I had to lug outtles of magazines, books, trinkets, office junk, and personal item to my new spot. As I mentioned above, this move involved stairs. My bootie was already deathly sore from lunges in kickboxing on Monday. The 20+ trips up and down the stairs aggrivated the issue. I've been a maniac in kickboxing lately. I start thinking about Labor as we're doing round kick burns. I get energized. I kick harder and harder until the bag is almost falling over. I keep telling myself I'm preparing for a marathon. If I'm lucky maybe it'll end up being a sprint. Maybe...

back again

Well. I'm back again. I don't understand why I can't post regularly. Many things are happening in my life and I think about posting them everyday. Part of the reason is that I've been tired and sleepy lately. I am coming out of it though. I'm in my 11th week of pregnancy now. Two days ago the fog of sleepiness and ickiness lifted. I have newfound energy and I'm loving it.

I think we've decided on a boy's name. We both like Logan Hunter. (Hunter is a family name.) For a girl we're not quite decided. I like Melody. Chad likes Leah. Leah is nice enough, but I don't care for the circumstances surrounding her character in the bible. After all, who wants to be named after the girl who was second pick? I guess I've had enough days in my life of feeling like a wallflower; I want to spare my children of that as much as I can. Other girl names I like that Chad is not keen on are Lily & Rory.

We've started going to childbirth classes even though I'm still in my first trimester. The classes are The Bradley Method. It is a natural childbirth method. I'm apprehensive to tell people about this path we're on, for fear they will label me. Or saying something about medals. ("You won't get a medal for doing it without drugs.") I'm not sure why the idea of natural childbirth is appealing to me, but it is. I don't hesitate to take a tylenol if I have a headache, so the fact that I am contemplating doing labor without drugs is kind of odd, even to me. But there is something about it that appeals to me. We've found an instructor we're very comfortable with. She has 6 kids, her husband is a doctor, and she is really good at explaining things. I like the fact that she's not "anti-doctor" or "super-home-birth." We'll still use a regular doctor and have the baby in a hospital... I'm excited to learn about nutrition, exercise, breathing, and relaxation. It seems like stuff that will be useful for life; not merely pregnancy.

We're still in the process of buying land. The ball is in the seller's court right now. We're okay with that because we're saving money for a down payment anyway. After buying the land we'll start building a house as soon as possible. We've been looking at floor plans. I found one that is two story (about 1700 sq ft). It has two bedrooms downstairs and one upstairs as well as a loft. We may build something along these lines and only finish out the ground level for now. We could live in the two bedrooms and gradually finish the upstairs as we need the space. These decisions overwhelm me easily. Although it's a dream come true to own land, build a home, have a baby, etc.... it's a bit freaky to be experiencing it all in the same time frame.

I started my new job this week. I am officially in the Gifts Department. I am working on Christmas stickers right now. I love it! I love the new challenge and the new setup. My new work area isn't as nice -- no window -- but it's okay. I'll get a plant light bulb so my desk ivy doesn't suffer in the dark. If worst comes to worst I'll just take it home. The thought of a desk with no green life is sad though. I love my plants. They help counter the gray cubicle walls.

We got the new car a few weeks ago. I absolutely love it. I never thought I'd end up with such a "cool" car. For those of you who don't already know, it's a white Subaru Outback. We bought it from Chad's grandpa. The only lame thing about it is the tiny gas tank. It holds just 10 gallons which means I have to get gas every 4 or 5 days. Other than that it is perfect!

I hope to use my new 2nd trimester energy to post entries more often. Sorry for the lull... thanks for reading.

car stuff

My poor 1987 Honda Accord is finally showing it's age. In the 5 years that I've owned it, I have never had to put more than $250 into it at a time. Regular repairs like the timing belt and the radiator creeped up occasionally. The AC broke about two years ago. Other than that, the car has been a gem. Until this week. Now it tries to overheat at every intersection. The mechanic says it is some sort of an internal leak, meaning it could cost a pretty penny to fix. The neato thing is... we're getting a new car in 10 days! A few weeks ago Chad's grandpa announced he is ready to buy a new car. His plan was to trade in his current car. Instead he will sell it to us at the trade in value. We're getting a great deal. The car is a 1997 Subaru Outback. I've always liked station wagons; now I'll have one! It is white with black accents. I think it will make a great baby car, too. It is amazing how the timing worked out. In the meantime I will carpool and borrow vehicles.

a new look

Thanks to Brian, I have a new design for my blog. (Thanks Brian!) Blogger has many nice options for templates now! I'm impressed. It makes me want to learn html. It's one of those things that I have wanted to learn for a long time. The learning curve is intimidating so I keep putting it off. Someday. Maybe?

I am seven weeks pregnant now. The baby is the size of a raspberry. It's eyelids are forming. I feel pretty good. Reading makes me dizzy. I am more prone to motion sickness. My appetite is huge and looming. It never quite leaves me. Food tastes exceptionally good. I am tired all the time. By the end of the day it feels like I've pulled an all nighter. The other day I realized I haven't been this tired since college when I was sleep deprived on a regular basis. I'm sure all the moms out there are thinking, "Just wait. You think you're tired now. Just wait."

I'm getting good at waiting.

feeling fine

Despite paying close attention to my body, I feel pretty much the same as I did before I was pregnant. There are a few exceptions. I get tired easily. I get hungry faster. My emotions are a roller coaster. One day I am on cloud nine, smiling nonstop for the joy inside. The next day I am overwhelmed and questioning every decision I've made in the past 2 months. Now that I'm catching on to this trend the freak out days are less scary. I tell myself to hold on. Tomorrow will be better. And it is.

I am six weeks & two days along. Right now the baby is the size of a lentil. It's little heart beats over 100 times a minute. It's paddle-like hands and feet will start moving arond this week.

I never thought I'd be one of those women who got pregnant on accident. My mom had many of problems getting pregnant. For some reason I thought I'd follow that trend. I'm still in disbelief that this is happening. When I talk to friends about baby names, nursery ideas, and boy/girl preferences I feel like I'm talking about someone else. I wonder when it will fully sink in?

long pauses

When I don't blog for awhile it is because there are big things happening in my life that I am not sure how to communicate in a post. Well, here goes....

I'm pregnant!!

I found out about two weeks ago. I've been on cloud nine every since. I have taken home pregnany test many times before. They always turned out negative resulting in a depressing few hours of self pity. Until last Monday night. I realized I'd been feeling weird and began to wonder if it could be. By the time I got home from work it was all I could do but run to the bathroom to test. I was home alone and when both pink lines appeared I lost my breath. I fumbled to open the directions of the test to make sure two lines meant what I thought it did. Positive! I let out a joyful bubbly laugh as my brain spun with disbelief. Could it be???? Chad came home a few minutes later and I told him the news.

"Really?!"

I nodded and he gave me a huge hug. The next 20 minutes we exclaimed and smiled and exchanged many "I love you's." Then we went to our favorite Italian place for dinner. As we ate I smiled each time I remembered why we were celebrating. Baby. Pregnant. Girl. Boy. Nursery. Stroller. Baby. Smile. Big smile.

We were planning on waiting two more years before we had a baby. God had other things in mind. I'm so glad!!! It's easier this way. Now we don't have to say, "Okay. We're ready. Let's start a family." I like the way God made the decision for us.

I am only 5.5 weeks along. The baby is the size of a sesame seed!!! It's heart is already beating. I can't believe I am in so love with something as tiny as a seed. Right now we have a due date of January 6th.

I'm so happy!!!!!

cat sadness

My cat, Zoie, died this morning. She loved being outside on sunny days. For some reason she jumped into the neighbor's back yard this morning. Their dog killed her. I am so sad. I loved her. She was a spunky, lovable, small, sweet, frisky, cuddly, chirpy, skinny cat. She had a tweaked tail and a saggy tummy even though she was young. She was especially affectionate in the mornings. Sometimes we'd let her sleep with us and she would purr all night long. Chad will bury her in the backyard. I will miss her; especially when I am sad. She always knew when to curl up beside me. She kept me warm when I was cold and made me smile through my tears. Today is a beautiful day. I am glad her last day was a pretty one.

long weekend & decisions

My three day weekend was absolutely wonderful. I ended up being super productive. I tackled projects that have been on my mind for months. I organized the kicthen! We moved into our house almost two years ago. On move-in day my superwoman mom-in-law unpacked the kicthen. I told her to put things anywhere. "I'll organize it later." I thought to myself. Yeah right. Twenty-two months later things were still in disarray. Batteries next to potato chips. (Probaby cancer-causing.) Holiday candles above the the fridge. You get the picture. I hung mugs under the cabinets in order to free up space. I also put everyday vitamins in a drawer instead of on the countertop. I enjoyed working while it rained outside. After the kicthen, I tackled the laundry room. I put unnecessary items in the garage and rearranged the cabinets. The room looks so good now that I actually want to do laundry!

It was wonderful to be home three days in a row. It was also great to return to work on Monday. The three days of semi solitude was the perfect break. I bounced into work Monday morning ready to see my friends and design cards. Monday went by like a charm. Tuesday came with some big news; I got a job offer! The gifts department wants to hire me as a concept designer. It was would a promotion. Instead of cards I would design journals, albums, candles, mugs, gift bags, etc. I am excited and jittery about the prospects but undecided about what to do. The new job would involve more travel, more money, and more variety as well as more responsibility and stress. I've been designing greeting cards for three years. I'm content and comfortable. The idea of a new challenge is both appealing and scary. Tough decision!

I will keep you posted.
In the meantime, what does everyone think I should do?

three day weekend ahead

Tomorrow is Good Friday. I will be home! I am super excited about a day off. Things I want to do are:

plant flowers
sit in the sun
declutter
read
prepare for a yard sale
nap
make funky curtains
clean the porches
cook
go to the library
go for a walk
feed the ducks
exercise

You can see there are lots of things I'd like to do. Most of them fall into one of three catagories: 1 - Relaxing. 2 - Accomplishing projects. 3 - Having fun. Hmm... what will it be? I'll let you know on Monday!!

rainy day

It is grey, wet, dim & still outside today. The birds are loud, chirping nonstop, asking the sun to come back. Tires make constant noise on the wet roads. I like being at work on days like this. Of course, being curled up on the couch in pj pants with the cat and a book would be better... but I am content. I like my desk window view on rainy days. Nothing is beckoning me to come outside. The empty fields and the pine trees are extra green on days like this. Also, the glare from my computer monitor isn't as strong as usual.

Last weekend I hosted a baby shower for two pregnant friends. They are both due in May. One is having a girl; the other a boy. I enjoyed preparing for the shower. I made cupcakes and frosted them pale pink and baby blue. Then I arranged them in a big square in the center of the table; in a checker-board pattern. Surrounding them was usual shower food. Spinach dip (Thanks to Ellen. It was my favorite!), crescent roll puffs, fancy crackers, fruit... you get the picture. Ellen and I bustled around while the girls opened their piles of gifts. Tissue paper mountains and ribbon tangles filled the room as choruses of "ohhhs!" and "ahhhs!" repeatedly sounded. Since most of the attendees work as artists, writers and designers, the wrapping jobs were fabulous. Pokka dots, stripes, patterns and storybook illustrations all in the best baby color palettes imaginable. Target has hit a "bulls eye" when it comes to The American Baby Consumer.

After the gathering the house felt empty. (Chad was long gone. The idea of 15+ women in the living room was enough to get him out of the house before 9:00 on Saturday. Poor man.) I sat down to rest and think. I soaked up the quiet and breathed deep. It felt good. I am happy these days. It feels so good to not be depressed. I know it will probably hit again sooner than later, but in the meantime I'm enjoying the simplicity of feeling stable and content.

yellow belter

Last night was our third karate belt test. The first two tests were for stripes to put on our white beginner belts. Last night we graduated to a yellow belt. Finally, a color! Next is orange, then blue, green, purple, brown, and of course black. It takes most people at least three years to get a black belt. Chad feels positive we will get that far. Ha! Not me. But we will see. I am enjoying it more. It is excited to work hard and acheive something. I feel like a kid again. Everyone watched me do my kada last night and then critiqued it. It was fun. I've always thrived on being critiqued. I loved my design classes in college for this reason. Some would dread it and cry in class. Not me. I am tough in that sense. Bring it on!

butter & tears

This morning my brain is full of vivid memories from childhood. I was a sensitive little girl. Too sensitive. I was also an only child until age 11. I was lonely and bored a lot of the time.

When I was about 7 we lived with some family friends for three months. The family had four girls, all of whom I loved. Two were older than me, two were younger. Although we got along well, I felt like the odd-ball with them. Their father was sweet and tender with them, but rather cold and abrasive with me. One evening we were all at the dinner table. I had been chastised in the past for taking too long with the butter. The dad said something like, "Rebekah, you're such an artist. Just take a glob and pass the butter." He said it loudly. I was embarrassed. Tears sprang to my eyes. I looked down, hoping to avoid crying. Instead gravity pulled the tears out of the eyes. I fought for composure and lost. Gross snot accompanied the tears. Everyone at the table was watching me. My embarrassment grew. I think I remember the dad rolling his eyes. (That could be my imagination. Either way, his attitude toward me was one of annoyance.)

I don't remember what happened after that. I wonder what my own parents were thinking. Were they annoyed with me? Sad for me? Sympathetic? I cannot remember their response. I wish they had stood up for me.

An interesting twist to this story is that I chose my career based on inspiration from the man who made me cry over butter. He was a commercial artist. He made signs. I watched with wonder and fascination as he painted bold, perfectly straight letters in the garage.

In fourth grade I declared, "I'm going to be a Commercial Artist like L." And here I am a graphic designer.

lunch

I had a good lunch with Shelley and Ellen today. Ellen and I got small McDonalds meals on the way to Shelley's house. Sadie was down for a nap the whole time we ate and chatted. Shelley's home felt crisp and comfy today. I was relaxed. We recounted the months following Sadie's arrival and how hard it was for Shelley. It seems she is "Finding Normal" after all this time.

My new Designer III position is kicking in. I've been given more assignments and responsibility lately. It's going pretty well, but I feel tired out. It's good though. I feel like I have purpose and recognition now. I'm happy about that. I found out today there are new decisions to make on the horizen regarding work. I could end up doing something entirely different soon. It is a scary, exciting, unsettling possibility. Just when I am finally happy with my job... things might change again. Maybe it'll be even better.

Sorry for all the sketchiness. I will elaborate more later.

karate

Chad and I have been going to karate classes for several months. It is something he has wanted to do since he was five. I, on the other hand, have never enjoyed Kung Fu movies. I always laugh when Patrick Swayze or Tom Cruise are pictured in a field under a tree moving their muscled arms through the air with an intense expression on their face as they practice their martial art moves.

We decided to do karate/kickboxing together. I've enjoyed the kickboxing very much. I feel better and am starting to look better, too. The karate is a struggle though. I have this problem with left & right. I've always struggled when giving people directions. I pause and think to myself, "Do they turn left or right?" The harder I think about it, the more clueless I am. I use my wedding ring for left reference daily. One time when I was in 6th grade my dad and I went for a bike ride together. We were flying down a large hill and he was behind me. He yelled, "Passing on the right!!" and promptly crashed into me as I swirved the wrong direction in order to get out of his way. We tumbled down the asphalt road scraping up our elbows, knees, and hips. He must have been angry, but he did yell or anything. He was a good dad like that.

Back to karate; Mr. Sensei/Teacher Man is very patient and kind, but I can tell it grates on him when I repeated use the wrong hand or leg for a move. It is embarrassing. I've always been a tall, lanky, uncoordinated, non-athletic, embarrassed sort of sport. It takes intense mental concentration to learn the foreign motions and ideas. I am not very good at it.

At the same time I enjoy the things I've learned. The 10 basic breaks, sparring, and stick fighting are fun now that I have the hang of it. I am divided about whether to stick with it. Part of me wants to quit and take up a artsy painting or pottery class instead. The other part of me enjoys learning something new with Chad. I am torn about which path to take.

feeling anxious

Two people at my company had babies over the weekend. Both are boys. Both are healthy, perfect, and excitedly received into this world. There has been a joyful buzz around the office all day because of the news. I have mixed emotions inside. Part of me is happy happy happy. The other part is sad and anxious. When will it be my turn?

I try to enjoy these baby-free times. I know someday I'll be pulling my hair out while I remember the golden days of working, playing, and being free. But the tug on my heart is so strong. So deep and real.

Every task I do is connected to thoughts of family, children, and babies. I made my first beef stew on Saturday. It turned out wonderful. As I stirred the thick soup I daydreamed about making soups, cookies, breads & everything else for a housefull of kids. I dreamed of the kids not even realizing how yummy their mommy's food was until they went away to college.

Am I crazy?

orphans, singing, imagination

Saturday night I dreamed about the orphans in Africa. In the dream I brought a little girl home with me. I woke with vivid imagery of this child in my head. In church a couple hours later we sang a song I love. The chorus goes:

This is the One we have waited for.
This is the One we have waited for.
This is the One we have waited for.
This is our God.

It is talking about God, of course, but I sang it with different thoughts in mind. First I thought of the orphans singing it, regarding us adopting them. They were singing, "This is the family we have waited for." Then I thought of my own long-standing desire for a child. Someday I'll be able to say, "This is the one I have waited for." Tears streamed down my face as I had these thoughts about children, the future, and God. It was a sweet experience.

my thoughts on the american dream

The United States is an amazing and wonderful place to live. I know this after visiting South America and Africa. We have so much here. Roads. Schools. Libraries. Hospitals. National Parks. Public Transportation. Postal System. Drinkable water. Technology in general. The list goes on and on. The question remains: The why are Americans unhappy? Why are we discontent? To others in the world we have everything we could ever ask for. When l look around at my friends, coworkers, & acquaintaces I see everyone striving for The American Dream. But what is this ambiguous thing? Some say it's being rich. (Which is a relative concept in itself.) Others think it's living in the mountains with a pond and a pet. And to some it's reaching the top of the corporate latter.

Most Christians reading an paragraph like this have an easy answer. God. God is what satisfies. Chad's former youth pastor answers questions like these the same way every time: Pray. Read your bible. Go to church. But what is the answer for those who pray, read the bible, go to church, but are still unhappy, unfulfilled, and discontent? Anyone?

american dream

Tell me your definition of the "American Dream."

conversations all around

It is 8:45am.

There are three simotaneous conversations happening within 15 feet of my desk. I want to scream.

"Be quiet!"

"Wait until 10:00 to talk!"

"What's so funny?"

Sometimes I am the loud, happy one in the morning. Today I am tired. I worked all weekend; Saturday and Sunday. Today feels like a perpetual Thursday instead of a new Tuesday. I'm not happy. I'm not funny. I'm not silly. I'm irritable, sleepy, foggy-brained, annoyed and apathetic.

On a more positive note, my plants are doing well. The weather has warmed up and they are soaking up the sunlight from my office window. The sunlight is bouncing off the bright leaves of ivy. When I stare at the different colors of green, the surrounding conversations seem less abrasive. I will be looking at my plants a lot today.

the package is on it's way

I am a procrastinator. I dislike this fact but it is true.

In October (5 months ago) I went to Vancouver. I was there with two friends. One friend, Brian, accidently left one of his purchases in my backpack. He had bought two cool wooden stamps for his wife, Anna. Upon returning home he asked me to mail them to him. I said, "Sure!" And then I put it off. I'd think about it every few days and kick myself. But then I'd put it off again. And again. A couple months passed. Brian emailed me and nicely asked if I'd mailed them yet. I felt lame. I said no, but that I'd do it immediately. Then I put it off again. What is my deal?! I don't know. I finally mailed the blasted trinkets today. They are on their way to Alaska as I type.

Brian, I am incredibly sorry for my dumbness. I cannot explain the reason for my delayed action. I hope Anna loves the stamps. :) I have not used my yet. Are you surprised?

contentment = blessing

This morning I had a breakthrough with my continual displeasure of making less than my coworkers. (See previous post.) This afternoon I met with my manager and guess what? I got a promotion and a raise!! I think God's timing is really interesting. I've been wrestling with comparing myself to others. The day I finally let go, it was taken care of. I keep smiling because of the irony.

I feel like celebrating! Maybe we'll go out to dinner. Or maybe we'll skip karate class. (I've been struggling with karate lately. My husband, on the other hand, is loving every second of it. I'll save this topic for a different day.) It is mildly difficult to be so happy about something that I can't TELL everyone about.

content

What makes a person content?

I don't make as much money as a lot of my coworkers. I struggle with this on a regular basis. Yesterday I had a realization that money doens't make people content. This idea is everywhere, but it really hit me. I looked around at the people I work with and realized the ones who make more are not happier. Their lives aren't easier. They feel underpaid like I do. In a lot of cases they are MORE stressed out with their finances.

I want to defy this standard. I want to be content with what I have now. I feel motivated to tackle this obstacle whole-heartedly. How do I keep myself from sliding back down into the I-deserve-more-mode? Any suggestions?

friday 5:00

Ahhh... the joys of the weekend. It is the very beginning of mine. I am still at work, finally finished with a hectic assignment that has bombarded me with glitter glue, tiny beads, 12 gauge wire, black grommets, funky yarn, paper samples, and an array of other overseas greeting card items. Mockup after mockup resulted in an achy back, sore eyes, and sticky glue-covered fingers.

And now it is the weekend!
I am happy. :)
I hope everyone has a great one.

work is crazy

Things at work are nuts. My computer is down so I'm a nomad in the office, using a different computer each hour. I'm close to tears because of the stress and also thriving on the adrenaline. Weird combo, I know.

I annoyed with myself for writing about something as boring as work, but I'm here 40 hours a week, so it's a huge part of my life. Here are things I like about my job:

1. designing - I'm good at it.
2. friends - I have a handful of awesome girlfriends here.
3. conversing - I love bouncing questions off my coworkers.
4. food - There is always something yummy to eat.
5. prayer - If I'm in crisis I can ask someone to pray for me. (I work at a Christian company.)
6. laughing - Funny things happen often.
7. paycheck - It's not big, but it's something.
8. lunches out - It's usually McDonalds.
9. good bosses - They listen and care.
10.fridays - We have snacks and wear jeans.

land & trees

Chad and I are considering buying some land on the outskirts of town with the intent of building a little house and staying in this area longterm. The land is 11 acres of creek front property. It is wooded with two clear hill tops. There are huge trees all over: oak, cedar, pine, and eucalyptus. Two years ago we moved into our current home... a house in a newer cookie cutter neighborhood. There are NO trees. Since living in the treeless neighborhood I find myself coveting them. I think, "That tree would be perfect in our front yard." Funny how one misses what she doesn't have.

We don't know what buying land entails. We're checking it out this week. We have a nervous/excited feeling about the possibility. Could it really happen? I'll let you know! :)

uganda massacre

Last Saturday there was a massacre in northern Uganda. The LRA (Lord's Resistance Army) attacked a village of 4000 people. Mud homes were burned. People either burned inside the homes or were shot as they fled. The event occurred 100 miles from where Chad and I visited last month. 200 people were killed. I do not understand the politics behind these events. Reading about it is confusing. I want to understand but I can only read articles for a short time before I get consumed with sickness, sadness, and anger. After reading for 20 minutes yesterday I went to the bathroom and sobbed for the people who were killed and hurt. It was different from the tears I shed for myself when I am depressed or emotional. These tears were full of questions and helplessness.

I knew our trip to Africa would change me. Before we left I had a hint of knowledge of the ongoing conflicts that have afflicted the continent for centuries. I embarked on our trip knowing my eyes would be opened. Now that it is happening I am not able to turn away. I want to know more. If nothing else, at least to be aware. It hurts me, but it feels right to learn about their struggles. Maybe somehow I will find a way to help just a little bit.

yes, i am still here

After weeks of not posting, I am back.
Many things have happened since the last entry.
It is hard to know how to catch up.
Where to begin?

Chad and I went to Africa!! We were away for 18 days. We traveled with two college friends, Dan and Jason. The first week was spent in Cairo, Eygpt. We ate kosheri, crossed the streets (a major feat in a city of 17 million with no crosswalks), saw the pyramids, experienced a night time boat ride on the Nile, and attempted to learn some Arabic.

The second week was spent in Uganda at an orphanage for Sudanese refugees. Before the trip I knew nothing of the civil war in Sudan. Meeting the refugees, hearing their songs, seeing their eyes, listening to their stories of war, seeing their faith in Jesus... it was an incredible learning experience. The children at the orphanage sang many songs for us. One song was about the war. They sang with all their hearts about their homeland being destroyed and their parents being killed.

One little girl peirced my heart. Tears streamed down her face as she sung about these things. She is eight years old, bald from malnutrition, the size of a 6 year old, with the most beautiful face I've ever seen. On our long trip home I thought about this child, my favorite. I thought about bringing her with us, back to the USA. I tried to think the way she would. New things to her eyes would include: paved road, toilet, airplane, elevator, Burger King, Toyota Tundra, garbage disposal, fish tank, dog food, fire place, mailbox, vitamins, carwash, computer, and on and on and on.

???

I've been home for six weeks. I'm still reconciling the things I experienced. Our path has changed. Before we were set to leave this country and live abroad as missionaries. Chad's desire was to build for others. To help them. Now we wonder if we're supposed to stay and continue to make money and support others with it. The cooks at the orphanage make $13 a month; think of how far our money could go!!

I also keep thinking about the kids. Adoption is a subject we've always considered. What would it be like to raise an African child in Arkansas? Yikes. I don't know.

kickboxing, laura, my class

Chad and I starting kickboxing last week. I'm excited that we've found something we enjoy doing together in the form of exercise. In the past we've run together. I have a love/hate relationship with running. I hate doing it but I love the way it makes me feel when I'm done. I am pleasantly sore from our kickboxing ventures. The class is small and nonthreatening. The teacher is competent and fun. The price is feasible. I am looking forward to working on my flexibility and strength.

Laura is visiting from Ecuador. When she is here things are upsidedown. We stay up late and put everything on the back burner. She is one of our closest friends in this world. We went to college together and share an extensive amount of memories. She does mission work in Quito, Ecuador. Seeing her is encouraging, fun, relaxing, and a comfort. She loves Jesus more than most people I know. Her close relationship with Him is contagious. It reminds me of days past when I was more excited about my relationship with God. We had coffee and muffins at my favorite coffee shop this morning. We sat on a leather couch, sipped our hot drinks, laughed, and talked deep. I am blessed by our friendship.

Two more classes and I am finished with the semester. Teaching has been harder than I thought it would be. It has been a huge stressor. It has reminded of how to enjoy my free time. I will not teach again next semester, but I will begin volunteering in the nursery at church. Maybe helping with the babies will help me with my baby craziness. Or maybe not.

broken car

I am at my husband's office this morning. We left my car in the parking lot last night, for logistical reasons. This morning it would not start. Thankfully two of Chad's coworkers are mechanics on the side. They diagnosed the problem in 10 minutes. They laughed in disbelief as they looked at my poor car's rusty spark plugs. Chad felt dumb. He isn't extremely mechanically inclined but he knows about spark plugs. We should have had them changed multiple times! This explains why my car has had NO power lately. It is an '87 Honda Accord, previously owned by my grandma. Poor little car.

We leave for Thanksgiving this afternoon. We'll spend the long weekend I Illinois with Chad's family. It will be an interesting holiday. His parents are in the midst of a divorce after being married for 27 years. We are hoping the time at home will be one of bonding through the diffucult circumstances. Chad has three younger siblings ranging in age from 17 to 21. We are looking forward to being with them and with his mom.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

down

I've been down lately. I've gone on two great business trips in the past 4 weeks. One to Vancouver and one to Dallas. They throw me into a tail spin. When I'm at home I focus on working toward being debt free. I enjoy home, cooking, and being domestic. These trips make a different part of me come alive. I love the world of design -- researching, shopping, talking. I love the cities. They wake up dorment dreams of living in a skyrise, walking everywhere, eating sushi, working at a prestigous design firm. Then I come back to Arkansas. Being married to Chad has changed my life path. I love being his wife, but the past dreams haunt me sometimes. I miss them.

Also, Chad and I are in a low spell right now. It happens from time to time. We don't have much to talk about. I wonder if he is sad on the inside and doesn't realize it. (His parents are in the midst of a divorce.) Life flies by and we keep surviving. We don't fight, but we don't really love either. It makes me sad. But I know it will pass. It always does. Sometimes I worry, "What if this dry spell lasts for a YEAR?"

The other thing is my constant struggle with wanting a baby. I see other women with their pregnant bellies and my heart flips over. I do not understand this longing. It is as strong as a tidal wave. It makes me ask questions like, "If I don't have a baby soon, will it be too late?" It is the only issue that Chad and I are not like-minded about. I've come to terms with it multiple times, surrendering it over and over, and finding peace again and again. I am sad because Chad isn't able to listen to my feelings on the issue without getting stressed out. He thinks he needs to fix the problem, but I only want him to listen.

There are many reasons to be thankful but I am still sad.

nearly perfect weekend

Don't you just love it when you have a great weekend? Chad and I got along really well all three days. It was so nice. We were on the same page, the same wave length, and the same mindset.

We camped with friends, Casey & Traci, Saturday night. I smoked my Cohiba birthday present from July. I'd been saving it for an occasion like camping or the drive-in because it was a long smoke. It was great. We made hobos in the fire. The boys shot their guns. The rain waited until we were safe and asleep in the tent. We stayed dry.

We rushed home Sunday morning in order to be able to go to church. Usually I'm totally okay with skipping church. Not many people have heard me say, "Oh, I can't do that because I don't want to miss church." Lately it has been different. I've been LOVING church. It is filling a hunger in me that I gave up on being filled a long time ago. We sang loud and strong and eagerly listened to our favorite speaker give the message. We left feeling high and in harmony with each other. We ate lunch at our local mexican standby. As we munched on chips and salsa we talked excitedly about what heaven will be like someday. This earth is not our home. It was good to be reminded of that.

Dinner was McDonalds, a rented movie, and homemade white russians. The cat was in an affectionate mood. She kept me warm. Chad and I laughed at the silly movie. Even though it was a dudd, we had fun together. I feel lucky that we found each other. Not just lucky... thankful, happy, and blessed too.

matrix revolutions

I went to my first opening night movie last night. Matrix Revolutions. I bought tickets from a coworker. Chad and I have a terrible track record with movie theater experiences. We rarely go because it feels so expensive. (We're renters.) When we do go we end up arriving to the theater with seconds to spare. Last night was no exception. We were doing okay until we got about a mile from the theater. Traffic was backed up onto the highway. We sat waiting and tried not to freak out.

We finally arrived to the theater at 6:55 for our 7 o'clock showing. We rushed into the theater wondering if we'd be able to find two seats together. As we walked up and down the stairs straining to see the seats, we saw several people we knew. They waved excitedly to us. There were no extra seats near them. Finally we gave up and retreated to the dreaded front row. I struggled against my instinct to pout, complain, and sigh. Chad wasn't happy either. (He handles these types of situations better than me though.) As we settled into our seats directly under the huge screen we heard someone yelling our last name. We turned around to see our friends waving at us. They had scooted over, and made room for us. We jumped up like little kids and happily plopped down next to them. The seats were in the middle of the room! :)

The movie was okay. I definitely liked the first two better. Why is it that sequels have such a hard time measuring up to the original movie? It was fun to be in an opening night crowd. Everyone was quick to laugh and and react. I expecting clapping at the end, but it didn't happen. Maybe everyone else was slightly disappointed as well.

little fire, shared cigar

Last night Chad built a fire on our back porch. He used his portable charcoal grill to contain the fire. My husband loves to build fires. He piddles, adds, rearranges, and pokes the entire time. I stare, relax, and think. We shared a cigar as we did our own fire thing. It was a Cohiba from Ecuador, thanks to my college friend, L, who lives in Quito. We passed it back and forth until there was half an inch left. Then we threw the butt into the fire so the dog wouldn't eat it.

It felt good to spend the eveing at home. One great thing about being busy and overwhelmed is that you treasure down time. Too much relaxation results in boredom. It was great to soak up an evening at home.

fast week

It is already Wednesday. The week is flying.
My positive attitude and motivation are waning. I came back from my trip so high. It didn't take long for the combination of lack of sleep and the pressures of work & teaching to push my emotions over the edge. Last night Chad and I sat in a corner booth at our favorite local mexcian restaurant. He drank horchata (a sweet rice drink) and I nibbled on chips. He listened to me tell about my day. As I neared the end of the day's events tears starting falling. I dabbed my face, careful to avoid the new nose ring. He listened and held my hand across the table as I went on. When I finished talking and crying he prayed. Usually his prayers are super short -- one or two lines at the most. But his words lasted longer last night. He asked God to give me strength, confidence, and hope.

Today has been a little better. I recognize and appreciate the good things in my life.
The trick is balancing the good stuff with the things that drive me crazy. I am learning. Tonight is going to be all about home, the couch, the fire place, leftovers, and just BEING.

a new week & a new look

I am refreshed. The trip to Vancouver did wonders for my attitude at work. I am happy to be home. I have outtles of work today. My desk is a mountain of job folders. Lots of things came up in the three days I was gone. Normally the changes would have sent me through the roof -- huffing, puffing, ranting, raving, griping -- you get the picture. Instead I am okay. I'm happy. I remember the reasons I like working at this company. I remember the awe and relief I experienced in my first weeks here, almost three years ago. Day in & day out of being here had made me forget. Being away at the conference reminded me of the reasons I like my job. I have real purpose here. I will make the changes to my almost-finished Fathers Day cards without complaining. There is a good reason for the changes and I believe in the end they will be better cards.

In other news, I got my nose pierced while in Vancouver. It is something I've wanted to do for over 2 years. I like my nose. I found a clean, sterile, professional place to have the piercing done. They had the jewel I've always wanted... a tiny silver stud with a saphire (light blue) jewel in the center. My college friend/fellow designer, Brian, went with me. He let me squeeze his hand as the lady put the needle through my nostril. It hurt like the dickens. As we walked away from the shop -- I was actually skipping I think -- I told him, "Thank you so much for being my moral support! I feel like giving you $100 dollars."

THANKS BRIAN! :)

Chad likes the change. I knew he would. We had discussed it many times. He likes a little bit of punk here and there. It is exciting to have a change. Something new.

the end of the conference

Here I am. At the AIGA Conference, in Vancouver, my new favorite city. I am sitting in convention center Hall 1. The mainstage speaker has on HUGE glasses like the ones I wore in 6th grade, 15 years ago. I don't understand.

The conference has been a disappointment to me. The word "sustainability" has been the center of each speech and event. I have no problem with the environmental agenda, but I do not understand what it has to do with graphic design. I was hoping to see examples of design inspiration -- logos, book covers, magazine spreads, posters. Instead I've listened to bio-chemist talk about the population levels of foreign countries and philisophy professors talk of the ethical implications of the latest scientific experiments. I am not inspired. I am depressed.

The trip has been a success though. I am here with two design-friends. We have explored Vancouver together. Our discoveries have resulted in much inspiration. Specialty paper/card shops, funky shoe stores, a metal furniture store, Granville Island's former industrial district, temperate rain forests, the Pacific bay, harbors full of boats, wonderful coffee, the Rockies, and multiple restuarants have brought brightness and wonder back into my job. I am grateful for the opportunity for such inspiration.

Thanks to Brian (one of the design friends) for working out my html bugs. I am excited to continue posting on a regular basis. Apologies for the laspe between posts.

at home today

I am posting from home today. The house is dark. It is a rainy day. I have choice windows open in order to hear the rain sounds. My plan for today was to tackle the house. It's been weeks since the washer and dryer have been used and since the bathrooms have been cleaned. I decided a personal day was in order. Work can wait. (I'm so thankful for a job that makes it easy to take a day off. My previous job wasn't that way. I'd approach the big man with fear and trembling just to ask for a few hours off. The card company I work for now is all about family, priorities, and balance. I just say, "I'll see you guys on Monday. I'm taking tomorrow off." It is amazing.)

So the plan was -- I'd get up super early and tackle the house. Clean like a maniac. Hmp. 7:00 rolled around. Chad got up. I told myself, "I'll get up when he gets out of the shower." Nope. "I'll make him breakfast. No, he'll want donuts..." Chad said goodbye and headed to work. I stayed in bed. Finally at 8:30 I got up. I made half a pot of coffee and grabbed my laptop. I am happy to sit here in the dark, still waking up, listening to the rain. Who cares if the house doesn't sparkle. I am enjoying this time alone. The quietness is sweet. Life gets so loud and fast. People, people, people. I guess this is one of the rare days when I enjoy solitude. The need to be alone rarely hits me, although the older I get, the more I crave it.

at home today

I am posting from home today. The house is dark. It is a rainy day. I have choice windows open in order to hear the rain sounds. My plan for today was to tackle the house. It's been weeks since the washer and dryer have been used and since the bathrooms have been cleaned. I decided a personal day was in order. Work can wait. (I'm so thankful for a job that makes it easy to take a day off. My previous job wasn't that way. I'd approach the big man with fear and trembling just to ask for a few hours off. The card company I work for now is all about family, priorities, and balance. I just say, "I'll see you guys on Monday. I'm taking tomorrow off." It is amazing.)

So the plan was -- I'd get up super early and tackle the house. Clean like a maniac. Hmp. 7:00 rolled around. Chad got up. I told myself, "I'll get up when he gets out of the shower." Nope. "I'll make him breakfast. No, he'll want donuts..." Chad said goodbye and headed to work. I stayed in bed. Finally at 8:30 I got up. I made half a pot of coffee and grabbed my laptop. I am happy to sit here in the dark, still waking up, listening to the rain. Who cares if the house doesn't sparkle. I am enjoying this time alone. The quietness is sweet. Life gets so loud and fast. People, people, people. I guess this is one of the rare days when I enjoy solitude. The need to be alone rarely hits me, although the older I get, the more I crave it.

My second cup of coffee is gone. It is time to clean. Thanks for reading!

snack city

I am thoroughly caffeinated this morning. I awoke at 5:00 in order to prepare for class tonight. I drank coffee and listened to Nora Jones as I worked. It was dark outside. The quiet state of the house was nice. It is time to begin teaching the second software program. This 5 week section will be the most challenging. I feel more prepared for this class than I have for the others. We will see.

Bible study was last night. I was in charge of snacks. Sunday I stayed up late making them. (See: blue bowl incident in the previous post.) Monday afternoon we squeezed in a Walmart trip for last minute items. We arrived at bible study 15 minutes late, stressed because we had the food. My arms were full, my cotton shirt wrinkled, my hair in my face. I walked into the amazing home with the highest ceilings I've ever seen. The kitchen counters were full of cupcakes, chips, cheese dip, homemade cookies, sodas and hot dogs. Elaborate autumn ceramic bowls and plates held the food. I had difficulty finding a place for my plain-clear-glass-casserole-dished items. My blue Walmart sack looked odd in the immaculate kitchen. I would not have signed up for snacks if I had known the hostess was going to serve enough food to feed 30 people.

The bright side:
We have lots of leftover bean dip and peach crisp to eat.

beloved blue bowl

The blue bowl is broken.

My husband's great grandmother's house is still full of her stuff. She has been gone for years. The house is on a farm in the country; no one lives there. When Chad and I were engaged we visited. His grandpa said we could have anything. We got six wooden chairs that might have been made by the great grandpa. We also got multiple kitchen items. A few fireking jadite plates, several colorful mugs, and a simple wooden rocking chair. My favorite items we got were a set of four mixing bowls. The largest is yellow, then green, red, and finally blue. The little blue bowl was my favorite one. I used it all the time.

Last night Chad and I got home from a weekend trip. It was 10:00. We were tired. I had to make snacks for a bible study we have tonight. I hurridly threw together a peach crisp as well as a yummy bean dip. ("Bean dip" sounds nasty, but this dish is awesome. It has sour cream, salsa, and tons of cheese in it. Someday I'll post my fav recipes.) I attempted to clean the kitchen as the dishes were baking. I moved fast, back and forth, back and forth, loading the dishwasher, wiping counter tops, throwing food back into the fridge. I rinsed the blue bowl and attempted to set it into the dishwasher. It flew from my soapy hands in slow motion. I let out a gasp as it smashed against the tile floor. I said, "ohhhhh no!" Chad was nearby at the kitchen table balancing the checkbook. He came over and hugged me as my covered my face with my hands.

In the midst of this "crisis" I knew it was just a bowl. I was still upset. It was special to me. It was over 100 years old. It survived generations of use. I dropped it because I was in a hurry. After sweeping up the pieces and throwing them away, I recuperated. I felt lucky for Chad's kindness. He understood my breakdown and comforted me in the midst of it. I will shop around at local flea markets for a replica of the broken bowl in order to keep the set whole.

This day is better. I am finally out of my funk. Probably because it is Friday. I didn't want to turn into one of those people who lives for the weekends. But here I am, singing the weekend song....

I am also happy because one of my work friends is going to have a baby. I eat lunch with two girls everyday, E and S. We go to E's house to get away from the office. For months E and I have been talking about babies babies babies nonstop. S, on the other hand isn't so keen on babies. She is on the pill. E and I are not. Guess who ended up pregnant? S of course! She is shocked, overwhelmed, giddy, and excited. E and I are estatic, overjoyed, and amazed. I am not jealous or envious in any way. This lack of darkness is a pleasant surprise. This is the right time for S. (Even though she's only been married for three months!) Of course I still worry. Questions pop into my head almost everyday.

"......If S got pregnant on the pill, and I haven't gotten pregnant OFF the pill, what does that mean about my body? Is it working? Will we end up adopting? Will I be an old parent.......?"

Despite the never-ending questions, I am happy. I am happy to be part of S's life right now. I'm happy to fill her water container with purified H2O. I'm happy to go maternity shopping with her. I'm happy to hear about how she's feeling and to hear about her name ideas. (She's sharing her ideas with us! None of that secret stuff.)

I am also happy because Chad and I are spending this weekend in Dallas. We're helping our friends move. The friends who I love. The ones from college who I feel 100% comfortable with. I am excited to work hard helping them move, clean, arrange, organize, and be in a new home.

Here I am... after over a week of no blogging. This lapse of time seems to be a trend in the circle of bloggers I know. Life is full. Blogging is not a necessity. I have been juggling too many other plates to include blogging in the mix. Now I have a few minutes of spare time so here I am...

Let's see what has happened:

Chad and I helped some friends move to a camp last weekend. It was awesome to get out of town. We enjoyed nature and being together. We had things to talk about. We dreamed about the future. We came back home depressed because of our jobs. We try to be content, but we're not satisfied. We want to be somewhere else. Ecaudor? The Buffalo River? Montana? My fear is that I'll be discombobulated at any of these other places, too. Where do we belong? What is our purpose? At least we have each other. This fact is a comfort.

I haven't written in over a week and I still don't have anything to say. The number one things on my mind lately are:

1. I hate traffic.
2. Flylady.net is helping me with me house.
3. My friend is having a baby and I'm jealous.
4. I'm dreading teaching my class tonight... it's getting worse.
5. I am in the mood to watch television.
6. I want to shop.
7. I think I need to exercise.
8. The weather is perfect. (This pisses me off cause I'm in a office ALL DAY LONG.)

This list is totally boring, so I'm stopping now.
I write again when there is something to say.

Last night while at a restaurant I watched a family at a nearby table. There was a toddler, a little baby, parents, and grandparents. The mommy was talking to her inlaws about her pregnancies. All the while, she was softly holding onto her baby boy's foot while he slept in his carseat next to her. My heart lurched. I swallowed, slowly pushing away tears. I turned to Chad; he could tell I was on the verge of crying. Confusion filled his eyes. Thirty seconds before I had been laughing at his humorous mood.

He hadn't noticed the family. I motioned toward them and said,
"Sometimes I want a baby so much I can't take it."

I had a wonderful Labor Day weekend. My husband and I stretched the three day weekend into a four day trip to Panama City, Florida. We went to visit my husband's childhood best friend, E. He is a fighter pilot in the Air Force. He's a bachelor and lives in a house on the water with two other pilots. They're conversations are full of military acronyms and fighter pilot lingo. It was captivating to listen to them talk.

At one point E said, "I have so much job satifaction flying the F-15 that if someone offered me 5 million dollars to do something else, I'd turn them down." Chad and I feel slightly different about our own jobs.

The four days were relaxing. It was perfect timing for us to get away. We've been incredibly busy for the past 6 weeks. Funerals, side jobs, home stuff, everyday duties, work, and on and on and on. I know everyone understands. When did life get so busy? we don't even live in a big city! How did this pace get ahold of us?

Back to the trip:
We slept in.
We spent time at the beach.
I read an easy girl novel.
I got a mild sunburn.
We ate out.
We went to the movies.
(We saw Open Range. The scenery was spectacular. I want to live in Montana.)
We watched tv.
We witnessed an amazing thunder storm.
We had Krispy Kreme donuts. (With coffee.)
We hot tubbed under the stars.
We held hands and kissed.

It was a wonderful weekend. I'm thankful today. I'm preparing for another class tonight. Last night was sleepless, dreamful, and restless. The cat bothered me until 1:00am when I finally got up to read and pray. I read a chapter in the new testament. It was my first time to read my bible in weeks. The words were familiar and boring, but they helped me get sleepy. I put the cat in the garage, turned the AC down 2 notches from the normal 77 degrees to 75. I finally slept. Although I woke again at 3:30 and slept anxiously until the alarm beeped at 5:45. Here I am at work, with the remains of an iced mocha from my fav coffee place. I treated myself this morning cause I 'deserved' it.

Catcha later!

I just had a crying spell in the bathroom at work. I miss my grandma. I recall her beautiful skin. It was like porcelain, smooth and soft. The last time I visited her she was in the hospital, confined to a bed. I applied lotion to her legs and feet. I was as gentle as I could be. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the lightness of my touch. I rubbed the lotion in thoroughly, taking extra care. I am pleased to have this memory. I miss her. I wish I had taken care of her more in her last days. Instead my aunt (theyoungesttree.blogspot.com) was her sole caretaker. The weight of this task was too much for my aunt and toward the end, she and my grandma had a fight. Now my aunt is tormented by the words that were exchanged. I feel partly responsible... I wish I could have relieved my aunt's burden as well as spent more time with my grandma.

I am a teacher!
I taught my first class last night. I loved it. The students were awesome. I have a full class of 20 with three on the waiting list. The computer lab was hot and stuffy from all the humming machines and close bodies. I sat on a high stool and tapped around with the laser mouse as the students watched the projected screen behind me. The class goes from 6:30 to 9:00 on Tuesdays. I was not able to eat beforehand because of nervous butterflies in my stomach. Once I began talking to them, I was fine. I didn't feel hungry until I was driving away from campus.

I am teaching at the university I attended several years ago. Being back on campus is strange and wonderful. I miss the late nights, backpacks, coed circles of friends, cafeteria conversations, and singing A Mighty Fortress Is Our God in chapel. Each day of my four years at this place was full of awe for me. I am grateful beyond words for the experiences. As I walked around campus last night after my class I took in the trees, the grass, the buildings, the sidewalks, the benches, and the paths. Each thing I saw held multiple memories. Students called out to one another, "Hey! There you are! Come join us!" Is it the first week of classes. They are all still meeting each other. I felt like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society when he shows the boys the pictures in the foyer and tells them about "Carpe Diem." I wanted to tell the students the same thing. "Soak this up! Life will never be sweeter than this."

Back to normal life.
The past week was full of highs and lows. My closest friend from college visited from Ecuador. She's a missionary down there. She came for a surprise visit. It was a short one... only 2 days. We had a blast reconnecting. The lows of the week revolved around my grandma's passing away. I went to Texas for the funeral. My hubby joined me, but only for one day. I stayed for 4 days and enjoyed spending time with my six year old cousin, T. We've had a special connection since she was a baby. Every time we're together I wish she was mine. This visit we made a trip to a hair salon and got her hair cut. Her mother had whacked it off because of lice... beautiful blond hair butchered into stairsteps down the back of her head. And just when school starts, no less. The Penny's hair dresser was able to smooth it out. We bought girlie clips and fingernail polish on the way home.

The funeral was hard for me. I don't understand open caskets. Can someone explian to me why the older generations like it that way? If I could have been alone in the room with my grandma's body, I would have liked to talk to her and to cry my eyes out. But as it was, I made small talk with relatives as well as did my best to act light-hearted for T's sake. (Her dad brought her to the funeral despite advice not to. T's 4 year old brother was also there... running around like it was a fast food playground. Don't get me started.)

Now I'm home and back to work. I have an ear infection. I haven't had one since I was a baby. The doctor says the combination of allergy fluid and flying caused an infection. It's as if someone is jamming a pencil in my ear every few seconds. I cannot sleep well and I'm unable to hear. My own voice booms in my head when I talk.

And the other thing on my mind is the class I am teaching. My first class is tomorrow. I'm fuzzy-brained and not sure what I'll cover. I have a list of students... how will I ever remember twenty names? Three of them are named Rachel. That's what happens at Christian schools.

Sorry to moan and groan so much. I'm feeling overwhelmed and sad.
I miss my Ecuador friend and my grandma.

This has been the most emotional afternoon I've had in months. Ususally emotional Sunday afternoons hit me for no particular reason. Today there is a reason. There is more than one reason, in fact. The first, my grandma died last night. She has been fighting cancer for 8 months. She was on the phone with my aunt when she passed away. Chad and I will fly to Houston for the funeral and family gathering this coming week.

She is with my grandpa now. He died about 10 years ago. The fact that they're both gone is weird to me. I never lived in the same town as them, but I spent many holidays in their cute red brick two story home. Now it will be sold. I hope a happy young family buys it.

I will try to post thoughts and happenings with my new laptop on the trip.
Love you all....

Saturday morning. I love weekends. The day ahead is planned with multiple favorites. A trip to the best coffee shop around for a perfect bittersweet mocha with nutmeg on top, a stroll around the farmers market on, a visit to a new thirft store that is rumored to have namebrand stuff for pennies, and perhaps a trip to the annual Grape Festival in none other than Tontitown, Arkansas.

Tontitown is a neighboring Italian community. How Italians ended up in Arkansas is a mystery to me. There are several long established Italian restaurants on the main drag of T-town. I've never understood how it can be popular to sell fried chicken and spaghetti on the same plate, but it is an everyday occurance in this place. These are not the type of Italian resturants for litte black dresses or anniversary celebrations or candlelit dinners. On the contrary. This is the kind of place where oversized men wear overalls without a shirt underneath and feel free to belch loudly mid-meal. (I hate that word, but "burp" just doesn't do justice.)

But back to the Grape Festival. I love fair food. Corndogs, funnel cake, real lemonade, snow cones. Mmm, mmm. This festival also features grape ice cream. It tastes and smells like grape Bubble Yum gum. I have not decided if I like it. I do not ride the rides at fairs like the Grape Festival. Something about the fact that the rides were assembled the day before out of a semi trailor is unsettling to me. Plus, if the people running the rides are the ones who assembled them...yikes and no thank you. I don't usually play the games either. None of the stuffed animals are cute, although I think it would be fun if my man won something for me. (It is an unmet dream from high school.) Occasionally I will play the quarter game. It's the one where you drop quarters or tokens onto a platform while a bar pushes the pile of treasure incredibly close to the edge. If anything falls over the edge, it's yours. I've played this game multiple times, and nothing has ever fallen over the edge. Blasted rigged contraption.

If one looks for it, she will always find an older couple with a little kitchen/trailer combo at these fairs. They sell gyros, fried twinkies, turkey legs, cotton candy... I wonder if those couples are living our their dreams in that little trailer. Part of me thinks it would be fun to travel from town to town, selling junk to people happy to pay $4 for a corndog. Sometimes I husband and I dream about traveling the country in a motor home. A little one that I could drive. Maybe we'd have a motorcycle on a trailer behind it... a Honda Goldwing perhaps.

Well, I'm off to start this day.

Well, here I am using my new Powerbook. My good friend M sold it to me. He's a digital media guru, not a measly designer like me, so he's ready to upgrade... it's nice having friends on the cutting edge of technology. The keyboard and little mouse square are hard to get use to...

Now it's time to start preparing for the class. NO MORE PROCRASTINATING.

Today our couple friends are arriving for a weekend visit. These are two people that both my husband and myself get along with well. We went to college with them and we've gone on multiple vacations together. We feel the same way on most issues and we're able to rant & rave about the things we disagree on. We trust them. We are comfortable with them. I feel cool with them. I feel liked. Not judged. Included and valued. I am thankful for them and I'm looking forward to spending two days in their presence. Bring on the fun!!

Thank goodness for Fridays.
Have a good weekend everyone. :)

New York City. Chicago. San Fransisco.
I wish I were in a big city today. I'd wear blue lipstick. I'd get my nose pierced with a tiny blue saphire. No one would notice. No one would care. Autonomy. To be invisible. Unnoticed. Surrounded by people, but left alone. These are appealing to me today.

Last night I wanted to get away. I went to Barnes and Noble. My goal was to forget I was in northwest Arkansas. I wrote in my coffee stained, ragged journal. The cloth cover was beautiful and crisp when the pages were blank. I like how worn it has become. I didn't want my time to end at B&N. I wanted to stay indefinitely, but as 10:00 rolled around I headed to my car. The parking lot was humid and still. The moon was golden with hazy clouds passing over it.

Here I am at work again...
I can look out the window and see a meadow, a winding fence, two large pine trees, green grass, and a distant horizon of trees. The scene usually soothes me, but today I feel trapped. I'd rather be in New York. Anyone wanna run away with me?

What makes a good wife?

Being skinny?
Being a good cook?
Not nagging?
Fixing my hair?
Listening well?
Giving backrubs?
Mowing the yard?

Over the weekend we were at the InLaws house. I discovered a row of picture albums. I poured over the faded square pictures with rounded corners. Shag carpet and mini skirts to big hair and acidwash jeans. A youthful skinny couple in love to frazzled parents of four little kids. I drank in the pictures of my husband as a newborn baby. His perfect little baby body made me long for a baby of our own. Will our babies look like he did?

The pictures have stuck with me. We are in the very beginning of our life together. We've been married less than three years. I have confidence that we'll remain together, but will we stay happy? I want to be a good wife to him. The best. I want to make him the happiest man in the world. Like on our honeymoon when he whistled everything to the Bob Marley song, "I WANNA LOVE YOU AND TREAT YOU RIGHT."

The routine of life scares me. The 8 to 5 job scene creates a scripted conversation.
"How was your day?"
"Pretty good. How was yours?"
"Oh, the same."
"What should we do for dinner?"
"I wanna eat out."
"Me too. We should have leftovers."
"blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah."

How do we keep the mundane interesting?
Anyone?

I expereienced my first panic attack this week. It began at 9:00pm as was laying in bed wide awake next to my sleeping husband. I am slated to teach a college software class this fall semester.

I begin to picture myself in front of the classroom. Fifteen students staring at me. Eighteen year old boys muttering to each other, "She has no idea what she's doing. I know these programs better than she does. What a waste."

I try to breath slowly, but my heart keeps racing. Faster and faster. I can feel it pounding in my chest. I flip over. I flip over again. Back and forth. Back and forth. I silently tell myself, "You HAVE to think about something else."

I think about babies. I think about my friend's crazy yellow lab. I think about my job. I remember how clueless I was as a freshman in my software classes. I tell myself, "The students will be a clueless as I was. They won't know anything." I see myself in front of the classroom again. The students are staring at me. Brainy boys laugh as I fumble to answer simple questions, "She has no idea. I cannot believe I'm paying for this."

What happened to the good thoughts?!

I retreat to the living room and escape into the world of fiction until my heart stops racing and my eyes grow heavy. I return to bed near midnight and finally fall asleep. Now I know what a panic attack is.

Let's take a test.
Cold pizza for breakfast is:

1. Breakfast of champions
2. Disgusting
3. So-so

This morning on my way out the door I grabbed a piece of leftover Pizza Hut pizza. (Veggie Delight with stuffed crust.) As soon as my husband saw the pizza in my hand he freaked out.

"You're going to eat that for breakfast??!! Gross!"

My instant reaction was,
"Don't think I'm gross! I'm not gross."

As the his pizza bashing banter continued my reaction changed.
"You're the one who is weird! Tons of people eat pizza for breakfast. COLD pizza. It's really good. Have you even tried it?"

As I drove away from the house I temporarily lost my appetite. Our little discussion got me thinking, "Am I gross?" Then I realized how silly that is. I simply LIKE pizza. That's all. I eyed the pizza, sitting on a napkin on the passenger seat. I smiled, picked it up, and took a bite. Mmm. It was perfect. Even better than last night at the restuarant, piping hot. By the time I was half-way through the piece I began craving a coke. I stopped at the gas station on the corner and bought myself a 20 ounce Coca-Cola Classic.

45 minutes later, here I sit at work. I am happy. This happiness is due to a few factors:

1. I enjoyed the drive to work with my car-pooling/coworker/friend.
2. The caffiene from my coke is kicking in.
3. It is almost the weekend (I've always like Thursdays for this reason).
4. Lunch will be free today.

Red fingernails.
Revlon Red to be precise.

I rarely paint my fingernails. Recently I found out my husband likes crazy bright fingernails. I am a comfort/convenience freak. I sleep in the same worn t-shirt every night because of it's softness. My nails are usually short and chipped. (Although they grow like weeds.) When Chad made the comment about bright funky fingernails I thought, "It it time for me to pay more attention to how I look." I got manicure for my birthday. My nails are shaped and pretty for the first time in ages. I had them use a bright lavender polish. Two days later it was chipped and peeling due to my cooking blitz on Sunday. While shopping for groceries I steered the cart the cosmetic department. I found the brightest red available. Revlon Red, baby! I'm surprised at the outcome... I like it! Chad loves it too. Now he wants me to get a mini-skirt. This could get interesting.

Sometimes I get scared because time goes by so quickly.
I think, "Stop! Wait! I want to savor life. I need more years. More time for everything."

Other times I am exhausted by life.

Tired out by constantly caring about how I look. My hair. My stomach. My skin. And Tired of battling with Chad. "Why can't you understand me? Why can't you get me flowers for no reason? Why can't you be serious when I'm serious?"

I see elderly couples still in love. Sitting on a bench together with paper cups of coffee. Holding hands despite arthritis and wrinkles. Old men carrying the purse for their lady. Stripped down of pride, pretense, hypocrisy, busyness. When I see this kind of love I long for it. I want to be beautiful and lovely on the inside like these old people.

How do we get there now? How do we possess that peace, patience, brokeness, acceptance these old people have? Do we have to wait 40 years?

I like to cook. Sundays have become my cooking day.

Yesterday I made two things. Creamy Chicken Casserole and Chinese Chicken Salad. The salad was a HUGE success. I could eat it all day long. It consist of a variety of toasted nuts, crunchy ramen noodles, lots of cabbage, olive oil, vinegar, sugar, ramen spice packet, etc. The combinations are just perfect.

The chicken casserole on the other hand didn't end up being a favorite. It was my first time to make it. It got the recipe from my Taste of Home Ouick Cooking magazine. (Compliments of my mother-in-law.) The problem with most of their recipes is that they are TOO simple. The finished product usually reminds me of Hamburger Helper. (No offense to any H.H. lovers out there.) I just prefer less processed options. Unless we're talking about fast food. I LOVE McDonalds. Just ask Ellen.

Someday soon I hope to add a recipe link to my blog and share my favorites with you. The Chinese Chicken Salad will be at the TOP of the list! :)


-----------


My husband and I went for a motorcycle ride last night. It was our first time to ride all summer. His motorcycle is an 1983 Honda Askot, otherwise known as Crusty. He bought in college for $300. We went exploring.

THE GOAL -- to find the lake.

There is a lake near our house that we keep hearing about. We ventured east. I held on tight. I could tell Chad wasn't as confident with his driving since it had been so long. This made me a little nervous. Usually I don't have to worry... I'm married to the MOST cautious man in the world. We ended up on a well-paved windy country road. Woods, custom homes, deer, sunset clouds, new scenery. The cool air filled my lungs as we dipped into the valleys of the road.

I found my dream home... a bungalow with a porch, a red tin roof, and lots of windows showing yellow glowy light. I squealed with delight and yelled through my helmet, "Look at that house!!! I love that house!" Chad didn't answer because he was concentrating on driving.

We never found the lake, but it was a successful trip.

I am one inch taller than my husband. In high school and college I often said, "I would never marry someone shorter than me." Then I fell in love with Chad. We would have started dating a year earlier if the height thing hadn't existed. We didn't verbalize this fact at the time, but after we hooked up, it came out. We were both attracted to each other for the longest time, but were scared the height thing might make stuff uncomfortable.

The first time we held hands was awkward. I thought to myself, "We don't fit. His hand is too low." I swallowed these thoughts down and focused on his green eyes. It worked. After two years of marriage there are things I love about our heights. We don't get neck aches when we kiss. When we wrestle I have a chance. But sometimes it hits me again and I'm disappointed. When I see the 'ideal' couple in public... a guy with his arm slung across a girl's shoulders. Or when I stand next to a tall man and I feel petite in his shadow. I like that feeling. I get tired of feeling large, big, lumbering, German, etc. The fact that I've always been on the clumsy side doesn't help matters. There are the tall graceful types and then there are the tall cumbersome types. I'm the latter. My feet find things to trip over. My hands contantly attempt to 'save' objects tumbling to the ground. I find random bruises frequently.

My worst fear is that our unborn children will grow up to be shorter than me...
and that I'll end up being the tallest one in the entire family.