stress & sadness

Yesterday someone asked, "Are you still running crazy?" They were referring to my latest post from three weeks ago. No, I'm not running crazy anymore. At least not like I was. The freelance project was one of the hardest things I've ever done. There are many challenging things about being a stay at home mom of little ones, but these do not compare with the stress of trying to design 14 high profile greeting cards in 8 days after not designing cards for three years. I was beside myself.

Chad's mom and sisters were able to help by taking the girls in Illinois for a week! With the house empty and quiet I felt like I could solve all of the world's problems. It was a stark contrast to the normal pace of our home. Too bad we weren't able to clean it up because it would have stayed that way for 6 days!

I worked at my computer for 18 hours a day, only getting up to eat, pee, and sleep. It was insane. The week of running crazy made me appreciate my life so much. I am grateful that my life is not super stressful all of the time. I thought of people like heart surgeons and world leaders and wondered how they do it day after day. I am thankful for the tasks of loading the dishwasher, changing the laundry, walking the quarter of a mile to the mailbox. Above all else I appreciate the luxury of staying home with my girls everyday.

All of that to say, being a stay at home mom is hard!!! Hahaha. I know, I know... I just went on and on about how awesome it is. But the truth is, I struggle with this role too. I strive for more structure, for a routine. I want to be one of those people who keeps the house clean by working on it little by little, everyday. I try to figure out why I'm not this way. Is it because of the way I was raised? (My mom, grandma, and great grandma all had/have unstructured, unorganized, uncleaned houses.) Is it due to my personality? Is it a spiritual stronghold of laziness?

Another struggle is sadness. During my freelance project I didn't have time to be depressed, but as soon as it was over and regular life returned, I was down and out again. On the worst days I end up eating Big Macs, twizzlers, cokes, etc when I'm not hungry. I eat something and the sugar or caffeine fuels me long enough to sorta function for 45 more minutes. Then I wander back to the kitchen or back to a drive thru for more fuel. By the time 6pm rolls around I'm frantic for Chad to relieve me of my day. He arrives and I barely survive until the girls are in bed.

I usually don't have two days like that in a row. I have fun times with Melody and Leah, but the bad days are too frequent. I'm seriously considering trying Wellbutrin again. It worked well the year before my pregnancy with Leah when I had postpartum depression. Before I make the final decision about the antidepressant I'm going to see a Christian counselor. I guess I just want to talk things out with a professional. It's been 5 years since I did any therapy. I've heard that age 35 is typically a good time for adults to hash out their childhood and family stuff in therapy. Maybe people are finally ready to see reality and get healthy at age 35. I'm 32, so perhaps that's starting for me.