coloring

Coloring is an activity we do a lot in our house. As a child coloring was my absolute favorite activity. I used to beg my parents to color with me. Now I am 31 years old and I still enjoy coloring. I've found an easy way to color with the girls that works well for us. I use the following: crayons (all types), easel paper (mine is Melissa & Doug brand), tape and scissors. I unroll and large piece of easel paper and tape it to the table. Melody sits on her knees and Leah uses a booster seat. Next I draw an assortment of easy shapes and objects on the paper, usually with a dark crayon or a black marker. I like to draw kites, hearts, rainbows, trees, flowers, triangles, circles, balloons, stars, letters, words, houses, etc. Usually Melody ends up ordering me, "Make a big triangle! Now make a little heart. Now make a M for Melody!!!! And a L for Leah!!!"



Leah just began to color with Melody. It has been fun to include her in the art times. I laugh because half of the time she isn't looking at what she's doing with the crayon. Instead she's looking me, smiling, while her little arm moves back and forth with the lightest pressure. I give her a dark color in order for anything to show up on the paper. Otherwise she fusses because it's not working.



Melody will color for 30 minutes to a hour when she is in the groove. She has started attempting to stay in the lines with no prompting from me. It does not matter to me if she stays in the lines. Occasionally she stays outside of the lines, making a cool negative image of the object drawn. The table she sits at is right in the kitchen, so often I'm able to cook or clean while she works. Playing music helps her stay in the mode I think. Lately we enjoy listening to Waterdeep and The Cranberries. There is nothing sweeter than humming to the music as we're together and in our own right brained worlds. This last picture is some of Melody's recent work.

why did I do that?

Today while the girls napped I ate ice cream and watched 30 Rock on DVD. I ate a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's. I just kept going. (Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. MMM.) Then I calculated the calories and fat grams.

Grand total: 1120 calories & 61 grams of fat.
IN TWENTY MINUTES.

I've felt defeated, gross, mad, guilty, frustrated, trapped, weak, shameful, angry, and fat for six hours.

stages of life

Before the girls woke up this morning I skimmed my blog archives from 2003 & 2004. I read of feelings and events about which I had forgotten. For instance, what it was like to work full time. These posts lamented and glorified my job as a graphic designer. One of the most frequent subjects of the writings was the desire I had for a baby. When coworkers would have a baby, I'd cry with joy and sadness. Joy for the new life; sadness that it wasn't my own baby.

By midmorning today I was hot, sticky, tired, and frazzled with Melody and Leah. I began longing for the work days again. I stopped myself from sinking into a greener grass daydream. I held onto the memory of wanting babies when I didn't have them. It was a tug of war day.

Stage Of Life is a topic often discussed among moms. We sometimes feel stuck in the hard places of motherhood. I recall three years ago... My friend Britni had a baby who would cry at the top of his lungs the whole time they were in the car. She said with despair, "I will never be able to drive (30 minutes) to Fayetteville again." A more seasoned mom gently replied, "For now, for now, Britni. Eventually you will go to Fayetteville again." She was right. Now Britni's son is a three and a half year old. He is pretty chilled out most of the time.

It's so important to have people in our lives who remind us to stop and enjoy the stage of life we're in. For me, each stage of my adult life has been difficult, challenging, fun, rewarding, and fairly temporary. The difficulties and challenges are what make me a better person. And the fun and rewarding aspects are what get me through the hard days. Perhaps the most important thing is that each life stage is temporary.

7:30am

Monday morning. I was sorting dry black beans in an attempt to be thrifty...

girls night out

Last night I went to see the Sex in the City movie with two girlfriends. It was opening night, something I've never experience before. We bought our tickets earlier in the day and then went to the last showing at 10:30pm. It was a long movie, so I didn't get home until 2:00am! I have not stayed up that late in ages.

This morning I've been thinking about the movie and trying to decide if I liked it or not. I discovered the HBO show, Sex in the City, after Melody was born. I was a new stay at home mom, struggling with postpartum depression. The show was an escape for me. I liken it to eating lots of Ben & Jerry's ice cream... not necessarily good for me, but fun. I loved the city aspect of the stories. I enjoyed watching Carrie's addiction to shoes, even though I've never owned a pair of heels. In fact, I might have been the only person in the theater last night wearing flipflops. I've never seen so many women trying to be trendy. Me? I had on a pair of Gap bermuda shorts and a Target t-shirt. I ate berry flavored chewy lifesavers as I dreamed of being as skinny as the movie stars.

The movie's story was not as smart or funny as the show. Also, Big's character was not true to show. Maybe he had a change of heart in the past four years. To me, he was annoying and noncommittal in the show. In the movie he was sweet and doting. I felt like Charlotte didn't have much of a place in the story. Her adopted Chinese daughter was a cute subplot, but it annoyed me that she was present during a lot of the dialog scenes with the four friends. Samatha's story was boring. Miranda was true to the old show, and I liked the interaction between her and Carrie the most. The Valentine's Day restaurant scene was one of my favorites. I also like the scene when Carrie hit Big with her bouquet of flowers in the middle of the street.

It was a fun movie to see on the big screen, but the story line was not a strong as the episodes from HBO.

house pictures

I have decided to share some photos of my house. I love it when people post their house pictures; especially when they are people who I have never visited. A person's home can tell a lot about who they are. One of my ongoing goals in life is to make my home a place I enjoy to be. It is a slow process. I buy most of my stuff cheap cheap cheap. We rarely purchase new things. I love garage sales. Stores that inspire me are Restoration Hardware, Pier 1 Imports, Anthropologie, Pottery Barn Kids, and Land of Nod. I also enjoy the following magazines - Real Simple, Cottage Living, Domino and Blueprint. I am not one to adhere to a certain style. I've always enjoyed bright colors. From an early age I had a vision of using neutral pieces of furniture and accenting with bright bold colors. I remember laying in bed at night (in junior high) and dreaming of a room/house with these ingredients. It boggles my mind that I am seeing the fruition of those thoughts now at age 31. Here are a the main living areas of my house:

romantic at three

The other day Chad noticed Melody staring up at our wedding pictures in the entry way. The following conversation occurred:


Chad: "Do you know who that is?"

Melody: "I don't know."

Chad: "That is your mommy. She has on a pretty dress. All these pictures are of our wedding, when we got married."

Melody: "She looks pretty. I wish I could have got married."


And so it begins.


[Also said by Melody, at the end of Cinderella: "Aww, Cinderella found her daddy (the prince)."]

days of old

Lately I've been organizing the desk in the playroom/office. Today I happened upon a journal of inspirational clippings kept during my time at DaySpring as a greeting card designer. I sat on the primary colored puzzle mats and began flipping pages. Career memories flooded my mind. I recalled research trips with talented coworkers. We'd travel to big cities and spend 10 hours a day on our feet, browsing the best paper shops, card shops, gift shops, and inspiring destinations. Once we went to the Dallas Botanical Gardens and spent the afternoon comparing color schemes found in nature. Following these outings we would collapse at a restaurant and discuss our findings. We'd explore ways of bringing the creativity to our card designs. Those trips were heaven.

As I flipped through the pages of the creative journal I found some artwork that caught my eye. Then I saw my name next to it. It was something I had created myself! I didn't remember making it; I'm so glad I jotted my name down as I worked. I thought to myself, "Wow. I did that?" It felt really good.

These work events occurred about four, five & six years ago. Among the clippings was a loose piece of paper. It was a letter I wrote to a friend from college. (I'm notorious for writing letters and never sending them. Sorry, friends.) In the letter I reminisced about our college years. There I was in the midst of a creative fun job, and I was thinking the time four years before. Part of the letter read:

Oh Lord, you're beautiful.
Your face is all I seek.
For when your eyes are on this child.
Your grace abounds to me.

I'm listening to these words right now. They bring back a flood of feelings and memories from JBU chapel days. Back when my heart was full of longing for Jesus. I remember the Dry Gultch fall retreats; pastor Keena speaking about "doing what we're created to do;" singing hymns in the back of the cathedral, surrounded by others' voices so full of passion and force; leaving that big building with a burning deep inside my chest; longing for more of Jesus, to love Him so strong forever.

It's really too much for me to express; how much those days meant to me. It was like I was in the desert every day of my life until John Brown University. And there I found the water that made me blossom and grow. My time at JBU was the highlight of my life. There was so much new hope. I wouldn't trade it ever.

Today's discovery of my JBU letter and my DaySpring journal was a pleasant reminder. I'm thankful for both of these experiences. They shaped me into the person I've become.

happy mothers day to me

We left the local, artsy, quality, hip, unique restaurant with full bellies and happy kids. We strolled the few blocks to the car, passing flowers, homes, library, rock walls, and lots of people. The sun and wind warmed and cooled us simultaneously. Chad and I chatted happily as each of us buckled a child into her carseat. A few streets later we sat at a red light, all four of us quiet. Several things swirled through my head...

"Those were such great blueberry pancakes."
"I wonder how many creamers we used?"
"The girls were so good."
"I wonder what Laura is doing for her first Mothers Day."
"We can't forget to call our moms and grandmas today."

I remained silent and enjoyed the moment as it was. I soaked up the perfectness of the Sunday morning, my special day with my sweet family.

dirty play

A few days ago the girls and I came home from a long string of errands, one being grocery shopping. The girls were happy to run around in the yard while I unloaded the car. They continued to play while I put the groceries away in the kitchen. Ten minutes later I came outside to find a sullen Leah covered in black potting soil. Melody was full of shrieking glee, jumping around like a caffeinated cricket. She gets that way when she is doing something unruly to her sister. I told her dirt time was over and she instantly dissolved into sobs (thus the last photo.)

mothers day project

Yesterday I made a Mother's Day project for my mom, MIL, grandmas, and aunt. I was excited about showing them off until I saw the horrible photos I took. I apologize for such ugly, blurry, sad photos. I need to make myself read the manual on my newish camera. (Canon Powershot SD750 Elph -- any tips are welcome). I'm new to digital photography and definitely need some lessons.

The project was super fun for me to work on, until I ran out of scrapbooking paper. I made a trip to Walmart and bought a packet of paper to use for Leah's photos. I got home, opened the package of paper, and all my momentum and excitement for the project swirled down the drain. The paper was cheap and boring and Leah's little picture frames look lifeless next to Melody's. I would have made the 30 minute drive to the nearest Hobby Lobby if gas wasn't so expensive.

My friend Kelli came up this craft for Christmas ornaments. Each year I eagerly await her mail to see what Christmas card extraordinaire she has made by hand. Her framed family photo ornament outshines these that I made. She is more of craftsman than me.

some more spunky

Leah has a lot of spunk. Her little personality might have more spunk then Melody. Leah has lots of characteristics of my personality. She is more extreme than Melody. Have you ever met someone who was strong and feisty and sensitive at the same time? That is Leah and me. In junior high my friend's mom said to me, "Rebekah, you can dish it out but you can't take it." The comment hit me like a slap in the face. (Proving her point exactly.) I've never forgotten those words. They are so true. I have a feeling I'll be teaching Leah the same lesson someday. For now, we can enjoy the crazy face above. I always laugh when she puts her top teeth behind the bottom ones.

spunky necklace

I've been wanting to show everyone this photo for days. I took this picture in the middle of our spunky spell with Melody. She and I spent the morning making her new rainbow necklace. The outfit was not planned. Obviously. She demanded a dress but it was a cold day, so we compromised. She is such a hoot sometimes.

flickr

Check out my new flickr photos!

(I'm feeling much better after five days of Claritin and three nights of Tylenol PM.)

sick

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling terrible. Lightheaded, weak, exhausted, and achy. A sore throat developed as the day wore on. I spent the day trying to take it easy, which is challenging with two little ones. Melody and I napped together while Leah napped in her crib. I love napping with Melody. Her three year old body is so much bigger than the weightless newborn who used to sleep on my chest/tummy in the wee hours of the morning.

Tylenol helped me get through the day.

Last night I was worse, and this morning I thought I had strep throat. My ongoing challenge of deciding if I should go to the doctor or not began. Growing up my mom was the type to wait thing out. We were all pretty healthy so this approach worked well. Once in high school I suffered with the flu for a full seven days before we finally went to the doctor. I had bronchitis. (My first time.) A rumor started at school that "Rebekah Kotter's family doesn't believe in doctors."

Nice.

Back to today's happenings...

I decided to go to the doctor because it is Friday and I didn't want to suffer with worsening strep throat the the whole weekend. I loaded the girls up and we made the 35 minute drive to Fayetteville. (I could go to Siloam which is closer, but I prefer a Fayetteville group of doctors.) On the way there I responded to Melody's comments with a low, slow voice because I was really weak. I was lamenting the days when Chad was unemployed and able to help out with parental duties during the day.

We did the whole wait-for-the doctor in both waiting rooms thing. They did a strep test. Negative. I have the beginnings of a viral infection caused by allergies. (It makes sense because we spend the first three days of this week outside at the park and farmers market and I was not taking my claritin.)

$93 later we drove home, me still talking in my slow tired voice. Melody and Leah did great and once we got home, we all crashed for naps together. I'm watching the clock for the moment Chad will arrive home after a long two days.

another poop ball story

This morning I took the girls to the park. As we were playing Melody said with fervor, "I HAVE TO PEE!" I scooped her up and we jogged over to the public park restrooms. (Ick.) The women's was occupied. Mel said again, "I HAVE TO PEE!"

I made a split second decision and said, "Let's see if you can just pee on the grass right here by the wall." Hahahaha. She was wearing a long dress with leggings underneath. I took the leggings and panties all the way off and had her squat low. I held her dress out, to protect her from anyone's view. We stayed in that position for about 30 seconds. I said, "Did you go pee yet?" She responded with a low grunt, "I'm not peeing. I'm POOPING."

Right. Great.

Another 30 seconds went by before Melody popped up, ready to return to the playground.


"I POOPED!!! I POOPED!"

"Shhh!!! Okay. Don't say it again."

I pooped, I pooped, I pooped!!"

"OKAY, SHHH! I said don't say it again."

"But mommy, I pooped on the GRRAAAAASS!"


I send her running back to the playground (under the supervision of a friend within sight) and started the lovely task of transferring the poop ball pile into the restroom with wads of toilet paper. Fun, fun.

more mel sayings

Said from the couch to Chad as he walked in the front door, "Hey kiddo."

Said as she was jumping on the bed, "Mommy, I have so much energies."

Yesterday afternoon we were all working in the front yard. Melody was picking wild flowers. After a few minutes I began to worry about snakes in the tall grass of the wild flower area. We told her it was time to stop picking flowers and to come back to where we were in the yard. She was super upset to stop her activity. She said through tears about 25 times, "Daddy, why did you take away my job?" (We talk about 'jobs' a lot around here. This my Mommy's job. This is Daddy's job. This is NOT Melody's job. ie: washing Leah's hair in the tub, etc.)

One of my favorite Mel sayings is when she calls her sister, Leah Sagey. (Leah's middle name is Sage.)

some relief!

My mom is here today. She visits every other week. Today she is helping me retain some sanity. I'm hulled up on my bedroom. iTunes is playing loudly (to drown out the noise in the rest of the house). I have a painting spot set up in front of a window with the late morning sun pouring in. Coffee and water are within reach. I'm ready to create something!!!

I hope someday I can be the type of grandma that rescue's Melody and Leah in the midst of their crazy mommy/toddler days. I'm so thankful for my mom's help.... both emotional and practical. I only wish my MIL lived so close! She is an amazing grandma as well.

introducing....

Sally Jane Gowan!!! She was born today at 12:12. She weighs 7 pounds, 4 ounces and is 21 inches long. We are so proud of you Laura!!

I am feeling discouraged today. Life is suddenly overwhelming. The majority of my angst is related to Melody. We have been at odds with each other for several days in a row and it's wearing me out. My times with her are either wonderful or terrible. One second she is whining for me to hold her, "Mommy, you haven't holded me yet." The next moment she acts as if she wants me to leave her alone. I can't win. Until now my instincts have served me well. This is the first time I feel at a total loss as a mom.

In other news, one of my closest friends is in labor! Laura and Neil are expecting their first baby and she will arrive any time today! I got the call that she was in labor this morning and ever since I've felt emotional and excited and nervous.

photos and etsy

I'm changing some things on my blog. I might even go as far as to change the entire design. I'm excited to write more and finally start posting pictures. I've always held off on the picture part of blogging because I felt like this was a place for me to practice writing. Well, writing is definitely taking a back seat to everything else these days, so this is becoming more of a place to talk about my kids. I might as well show how cute they are too!

Another thing I'm working on right now is an etsy shop. I'm pretty far off from setting up shop, but I've started some projects. I need name ideas, if any of you have some.

"Mommy, I'm so worried about myself," Melody said as she laid in bed for a nap after a rough morning.

My new adjective for her is SPUNKY. I like this word because it describes her craziness without being negative. Spunky is good, right? I told one friend, it's as if I give her a gallon of sugar every hour. She is 1000% alive with energy, loudness, opinions, demands, and nonstop talking. It is hard to think straight in the midst of such a whirlwind. Today I put the peanuts in the fridge!

She says repeatedly as she walked aimlessly through each room of the house, "I don't know what I'm suppose to dooooooooah."

She is so much like me! We both do better when we're not at home. Some moms lament going to the grocery store, but for us, we get along BETTER when we're in public. This is a good thing until I try to stay home for a few days in a row! Then I begin to feel like a hostage. I do my best to keep the B-word (boredom) at bay. As a kid, I REMEMBER being sooooo bored. It was the worst feeling ever so I'm continually trying to help the girls find new things to do. Lately Mel and I have been doing more artsy stuff.

This morning our one pleasant time together was at the kitchen table. She made a necklace with multi-colored plastic beads while I painted something for her room. (Leah was napping.) We worked together for about a hour, listening to Waterdeep the whole time. Last week I downloaded one of their worship CDs (You Are So Good To Me) and we've both been enjoying it a lot. Music is one of the only things that calms her down when things are spinning out of control.

This one hour of positive time together was great, but what are we suppose to do with the REST OF THE DAY?! Tonight she went on a date with daddy. Whew.

more thoughts on the leah honeymoon

Since I wrote yesterday's post, I've been feeling uneasy about my words. I did not explain my feelings about Melody very well. I do not want to leave the impression that I favor one of my girls over the other because thankfully that is NOT the case. They are both delightful to my heart. One of the coolest things about them is how DIFFERENT they are. Anyone who knows us, exclaims about their opposite dispositions. Perhaps this makes it easy for me to love them both with everything in me?

After I wrote yesterday's entry I was thinking about it more. I think the reason I'm having a Leah Honeymoon is because right now she is in a much easier stage than Melody. Leah is 17 months today. She is barely walking, not really talking, and fun fun fun. Melody is three and a half. Every second with Mel is an opportunity for lessons on obedience and cooperation. Discipline happens as often as eating and it WEARS ME OUT. Since Chad went to back work three weeks ago, I've had to step it up in the discipline arena with Melody. Even on a good day with Melody, it is work, work, work.

During it all, Leah slowing walks around the house, her tiny hands balled into kickboxing fists in front of her face. She is SO MUCH EASIER than Melody right now. I realize that every month is a phase with them and soon they will trade places. Soon, Leah will go to Grammy's house to make s'mores with grandad and Melody and I will have the time of our lives here together.

leah honeymoon

Today my mom took Melody home with her. Grammie lives one and a half hours away. Since Melody turned two, she frequently spends one or two nights there. Tonight I called to chat with her before bedtime. She had a limited amount of time to talk to me because she was making s'mores over the stovetop with grandad!

When Melody is gone, Leah and I have a great time together. Our relationship changes. It is simple, easy and fun. Melody demands my undivided attention all day long, and Leah tends to be in the background. I struggle to give them both what they need and by the end of the day I'm exhausted and they still want more, more, more of me. In having just Leah for a day or two, it's easier. Today we played and played and played. We enjoyed the warm, windy, spring afternoon by swinging high and throwing rocks in the creek behind the house. She jabbered away at me. Her baby words are softly spoken compared to Melody's boisterous ongoing stories. It was so much fun to laugh and converse with Leah and have no toddler interruptions, tantrums, discipline, or fussing. (And at the same exact time, I'm totally thinking about Melody and missing her and wondering how she is doing.)

I know I want to have more babies. (Adopted or biological, I'm not sure.) There are days when I think I'm ready to add a third child. Then I think of Leah and her struggle to be heard, seen, held. The idea of waiting a few more months or a year or two is appealing. Perhaps we'll wait awhile and have two more who are close in age. Two boys, perhaps? (From Sudan, perhaps?) By then, I'm sure Leah will have plenty to say on the subject.

mel sayings

“Look mommy! Storm hay!”

Melody has been saying the funniest things. The above statement is referring to hail. She also says, “You’re right.” after I’ve spoken a fact such as, “It’s time to eat lunch.” Or, “You took a long nap!” Her tone carries authority as if she is teaching me something when she says it.

One time I was correcting Melody’s behavior and I said, “Melody. Are you obeying or disobeying?” She immediately responded in the exact same tone, “Mommy. Are you being nice or mean?” Her statement stopped me in my tracks and I lost all mommy momentum in teaching/correcting. How am I supposed to respond to that? Some days I feel like her little brain is sharper than mine.

She has begun to emphasize the word “so.” She’ll say, “Mommy, thank you soooooo much for my new toy.” Or, “Mommy, I’m soooooo sorry that happened to you.” She also loves to use the word disGUSTing. She’ll say, “Poop is disGUSTing!!!” She sounds like a teenager already.

warning - poop stories

Melody is finally succeeding at potty training! I am very happy about this. She is three years and three months old. She has been quick in language skills and fine motor skills, but more relaxed about physical milestones. She rolled over at 5 months, crawled at 11 months, and walked at 13 months. Each milestone was preceded with much caution. She is like her daddy in this way.

This is our third attempt at potty training. In the first two attempts she would pee on herself every single time. She would look down at her wet self with surprise and say with alarm, "Somebody peed on herself!" Pooping was even worse. One time when she was naked, so pooped all over the rug -- little balls of hard poop. Before I could get to it, Leah put a piece of it in her mouth. Yes, that's right, my second born has tasted poop. I did a good job of not freaking out until Melody let out a peel of laughter. I was digging around in Leah's mouth and scraped poop off her teeth, when Melody gleefully said, "SHE'S EATING MY POOOOOOP. HAHAHA!!!!!!!!" To that I responded loudly, "THIS IS NOT FUNNY!"

Later that day as I was telling the story to Chad, I said, "Potty training is a good time to get me flowers." He heeded the hint, and bought me some later that week.

This morning I was vacuuming the girls' room with the door closed. They both hate the loud noise. They were in the living room watching a movie (of course) and I heard Melody yell, "MOMMY!!!! I peed and pooped in my potty!!!" Her little potty is in the living room (in front of the tv, of course). I turned off the vacuum and ran into the living room to find her sitting on the little blue/white plastic toilet. Under her in the removable container was pee and a huge piece of poop!!! Hoorrray!! She immediately got ice cream and made two phone calls to daddy and grammy about the big news. "I peed and pooped on the potty and now I have ice cream. Bye."

I hope Leah is easier and younger at this potty-training game.

me again

Where to start? After months of not blogging it's time to jump back in. Melody is a spunky three year old. Leah is 16 months. They play together everyday which brings me endless joy. I'm so happy when they entertain themselves in the playroom. Several months back we changed our office to a playroom. Now my laptop resides in our master bedroom, and all the toys are in the playroom. (At least that is the idea. Every few hours the living room and hallway become littered with stuffed animals and blocks. If I attempt to move them Melody pipes up, "But my bears are watching the MOVIE.")

Chad started a new job last week. He's working at a place that builds eco-friendly homes. He is excited to learn about new technology. Evening conversations consist of topics like solar hot water heaters and spray foam insulation. At the end of his first week he said he was looking forward to work on Monday for the first time in his life! This is music to my ears.

I'm excited to fulfill my stay at home mom duties again. For five months Chad and I have both been at home. While this arrangement had it's perks, it was difficult for me to find my role. I was torn between freelance design work and housework and cooking. I'm trying to use some tips from flylady.com to keep things running more smoothly. I'm trying to have a morning and an evening routine. So far the morning one looks like this:one or two loads of laundry (including putting the clothes away!), make my bed, and one major cleaning chore. The evening routine is: clean up kitchen so it's ready for the next day, make Chad's lunch, tidy living areas. These things probably sound ultra simple to those of you who keep a clean house without pulling your hair out. For me, this stuff isn't natural or easy. I'm excited because I think the morning/evening routines have promise. If I can maintain discipline to do these routines the majority of days, I know it will make a big difference.

Happy April!

reading all things by kaye gibbons

In the past few months I've managed to read ALL of Kaye Gibbons books. This includes the following: Ellen Foster, Charms for the Easy Life, On the Occassion of My Last Afternoon, A Cure For Dreams, A Virtuous Woman and Divining Women. I love this author. Her work drew me in. At the end of each book, I sighed with satisfaction. I liked her work because despite it's difficult themes, it did not make me depressed. Often, books I love end of making me sad. This has been true of authors Ann Lamott and John Steinbeck. Also titles: Snowflower and the Secret Fan, The Kite Runner, and A Thousand Splendid Suns have left me feeling down. Chad will notice me moping around the house and say, "Are you reading a sad book again?"

The thing is, I like sad stories. My favorite thing about Kaye Gibbons is her ability to weave goodness and triumph into a sad story. There is something about sad stories (and sad music) that I enjoy. Chad thinks I'm crazy. He watches movies to escape and he dislikes unhappy endings. We watched Cold Mountain last night and he was not a happy camper when the credits were rolling at the end of that story.

My Kaye Gibbons roll is over. If anyone knows of similar authors, please let me know.

the girls in october

Melody, you will turn three years old in two months. We have been talking about your birthday party almost everyday. The plan is to do a ball theme with a polka dot cake. Your fascination with balls is still at an all time high. A few weeks ago we were at the park taking a walk when community soccer games began. We stopped the stroller to watch through the chain link fence. You sat upright in your side of the stoller and watched with perfect attention. You immediately said, "I want to kick that soccer ball too!" I told you that you'd have to wait until you were older. A few minutes passed and you said, "Mommy, am I older yet?"

Other new discoveries include the stars, moon, ice cream cones and corndogs. You love to go outside at night and looked at the stars while we sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to you. You get very excited when you find the faint moon in the sky during the day time. MOMMY! LOOK! THERE'S THE MOON! OVER THERE! LOOK LOOK! While eating your first ice cream cone you were full of giddy joy, probably the most happiness you've ever experienced. It was so much fun for you that I wanted to start giving you ice cream cones everyday. You said, "Look, there is the ice cream in there. It is COLD. And there is the cracker park on the outside. It tastes like a cracker and is CRUNCHY." (You use the word 'park' instead of 'part.')

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Leah, you will turn one in about three weeks. I cannot believe this is about to happen. Yesterday we went to a gift shop in Siloam to buy you a nice Jellycat brand stuffed animal. Melody received one as a newborn from a DaySpring friend. It is a panda and it's her favorite stuffed animal. I realized that you don't have anything that is really "yours" so I thought a nice stuffed animal for your birthday would be a good place to start. Grammie decided it will be from her, but of course I wanted to pick it out for you. We bought the penguin and the clerk took about 20 minutes to wrap it up for you. During that time I told your big sister to not touch anything 1045 times. You are the easy one these days. Except at night. Last week you slept all the way through 5 times in a row. I felt like a new woman! I got up with daddy every morning at 6am and the week was easier and happy for me. You started crawling last Thursday and after that the sleeping through the night ended. Now you're waking up twice a night. Dragging myself from sleep to get up and go to you is so hard. But once I'm up, I enjoy our middle of the night moments together. Maybe you just want more mama time and that's the only way for you to get it.

I worry about you because I don't give you as much attention as I would like. You love your DVDs so much that it is tempting to let you watch too many of them. We play games together on the floor. I stack up a wooden ABC block tower and you shyly knock it over with a grimace on your face. Then I do it again and you knock it over faster. Soon, I can't build the towers fast enough because you are so crazily distructive. You smile and giggle when I say, "Hey!" in response to the downed towers.

You are MUCH LOUDER than your sister. When you get mad and scream it sounds like someone dropped you or broke your leg. I used to rush into the room when I'd hear you screaming like that. I'd say, "What happened?!" to Grammie or daddy as they changed your diaper or dressed you. Now I know that nothing probably happened... that is just you! It makes me wonder what type of two year old you are going to be?! You seem to be more sensitive and more stubborn than Melody. Perhaps you are going to take after your mommy instead of your daddy.

Leah's nine month letter

Dear Leah,
Early this morning around 3:30am (I can never remember the exact time) I was rocking you in the polka dot glider in your dimly lit room. Moments before you had guzzled 8oz of formula as you always do during your night time feeding. I lifted you from the feeding position and pulled you close to my chest. Your fuzzy head settled heavily on top of my shoulder. Your long toes spread apart like a fan, as your feet felt for a place to rest. Your body relaxed and you drifted back to sleep within seconds. This middle of the night time together is my favorite time with you. The house is silent and dark and we are uninterrupted. We slowly rock back and forth and I soak up the moment in my half-awake state.

You love to clap. You have not figured out how to do it by yourself yet, but we have a fun time doing it together. We sit face to face and I clap first. Your mouth opens wide and a massive grin spreads across your face. After a few claps I take your hands and clap them together for you. This sends jolts of joy through your entire body. You can barely contain yourself. Bursts of giggles erupt from your belly and you laugh and laugh and laugh. I stop and you ponder what to do next, trying to figure out how to clap independently. You bang on my belly with both hands, as if saying, "Let's do it again!"

You and Melody are starting to play together. You lay side by side on a quilt on the living room floor or in the bathtub. Melody mimics your full body kicks. Her body is long and thin compared to your rollie-pollie tummy and legs. Sometimes you want a ball or a bear and she insists that you want something different because it's the toy she wants to play with. Soon you'll be too smart for her manipulative toy switching.

You sit up like a pro now and I don't have to worry about you falling over anymore. You're trying to figure out how to crawl. You scoot backward instead of forward and usually end up stuck halfway underneath the couch or coffee table. You enjoy watching movies with your sister and no one can make you laugh like her silly shrieking can.

Love,
Mommy

a fun friday morning

We've been home a lot this week because the girls both have a cold. I've attempted to catch up on laundry and cook some good meals as well as watch a couple movies. I saw Catch and Release and Dream Girls. They were both okay; good movies to watch by myself during the day as I folded clothes, held babies and played with playdoh. I hit the pause buttom about 100 during each movie to fetch a bottle, answer the phone, talk to a toddler, rescue a baby from scooting backward under the coffee table and so on.

When Friday morning rolled around I was hoping to go to our weekly playgroup. But the runny noses were still with us, so I decided against it. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal, but two of the playgroup mamas are within weeks of their due dates and no one wants to get a fullterm pregnant friend sick with a cold. Can you imagine dealing with a cold DURING labor?

I shuffled around the house in my pjs, unsure of what to do. Stay home and work on things around here? Go to the mall? The pool? The park? Anything outside was a hands down no. It's the hottest week of the summer, so far. The mall was out because I am pretty sure the kids area there is where Melody got the infamous cold in the first place. (This is the cold that has spread to the whole playgroup. Sorry guys!)

Finally I decided to load everyone up in the truck (it has better AC than the car) and see where we ended up. I had a feeling garage sales would be the order of the day. We ended up having a wonderful time. Melody and I chatted the whole way to Fayetteville while Leah took a nap. Mel and I have REAL conversations these days. It's crazy. Today she saw a wagon and said,

"Remember when my got hurt in the wagon?
At Anna's house...in the backyard.
My cried... Jason stopped the wagon... he kiss it.
Then my got in the wagon again.
My got hurt in the wagon."

The crazy thing is, this incident happend LAST summer when Melody was just 19 or 20 months old. (!) I was floored. I kept asking her questions about it and I'm fairly sure it was the only time she's ever been in a wagon.

We went to McDonalds where I bought an iced coffee. They are pretty good. Especially for $1.66. Then we drove around looking for garage sales. It was a very successful shopping time. I bought Melody books, colorful plastic bowls for her kitchen, a kite, a music box from 1983, and a puzzle. For myself I bought a $15 quilt, a couple vintage linens, two homemade aprons (also vintage), and a DVD (Meet the Fockers). My most exciting purchase of the morning was a piece of stained glass that is perfect for our living room. It's about 8x10 inches and is orange and blue of a flower. It was marked $!0 which I was totally going to pay.

Then the lady said, "Oh you can have this for $5."

"Okay!"

I love garage sales because it's like you're doing the people a FAVOR to buy their stuff for next to nothing. They just want to get rid of it. Of course there is the occasional sale where people are trying to get $30 for a fushia prom dress from 1991.

We came home just in time for me and Melody to NOT get into a fight. When I push our outings too long, the 30 minute drive home is a nightmare. Maybe that's why I've been annoyed about living in the country lately. I should just come home sooner everytime we're out and about so that we're not pulling each other's hair our by the time we reach our country lane.

cleanup or stay up?

Melody has a fascination with balls. It began a long time ago and everyone who knows her is aware of it. Every time we go to playgroup, she makes a beeline to the first type of ball she sees. For the next two hours she clutches this precious treasure and refuses to play with anything else. Balloons are the only object that can top a ball.

So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised the other day when our Number One disaster (to date) involed balls. She informed me that she had made a big mess in the living room. Upon entering the room, I spied marble sized, peanut butter colored balls all over the rug. I stepped closer with a look of suspition on my face and in an instant the smell of poop filled my nostrills.

"MELODY! Did you get poop our of your diaper?!"

"My made a mess Mommy!!" She informed me with glee. Then she added, "YUCKY!!!"

"That's right, it's yucky...." I replied and continued muttering all sorts of things about just how yucky it really was. Then I stopped. I realized she had most likely TOUCHED the poop. Her diaper was still on, so I assume she reached inside and removed the balls of poop one and a time. They were scattered all over the room. I had been talking on the phone in the neighboring kitchen. I thought I was keeping an eye on her, but obviously it wasn't enough. I stood there unsure of how to proceed. Then I saw Melody take her hand and wipe it across her face, under her leaky faucet nose. I sprang into action, "Don't touch your nose! Let's go wash you NOW."

The hot water hand and face washing that followed involved levels of tears and shrieking and dismay that a spanking could never match. After she was cleaned up, I had the fun job of hunting down all the marbles of poop in the living room. I grabbed a paper towell and a plastic walmart bag and got to work. Thankfully, her poop is always on the constipated side, so it was easy to handle. (EW!) After using three paper towels and picking up about 12 balls of poop I thought I was finished. The room still reeked so I decided to vacuum the rug. I moved the coffee table and found MORE marbles of poop. Nice.

It is a story fell out of my mouth the instant Chad walked in the door from work that evening. I couldn't even wait until he had finished eating to give him all the nasty details. He just kept shaking his head and closing his eyes. That same night Leah was up with a cold. We only slept about three hours. The next morning I felt 100 years old and decided that I'd rather pick up poop than stay up all night with a sick baby any day of the week. Although when these are one's choices, one realizes quickly why God made babies and toddlers so cute and lovey.

adjusting

Life has changed so much for us since Chad started his new job. It’s been about three weeks and our old life is already a foggy memory. There are things I miss and things I’m excited about. The thing I miss the most of spending so much quality time with Chad. I miss leisurely breakfasts where we work together in the kitchen and then sat down together to eat and talk. These days we still eat breakfast together but it’s about 3 hours earlier, I’m barely awake, and he’s already thinking about work. Thus, there's not much talking going on.

Another big change is that I’m not doing freelance design work anymore. I miss it and I’m also relieved to be free of it. I got a call from DaySpring the other day. They were looking for someone to do a fast track project. I was both happy and sad to say no thanks. I miss the thrill of getting work, the dressing up and going to meet with people about projects, and having a reason to walk away from parenting and household duties for a couple hours with no guilt. I do not miss the pressure of deadlines, uncertainty of more jobs, horrible health insurance, and computer/font problems.

Because I’m not hanging out with Chad or working, I have more time to hang out with other stay at home moms. This opportunity is a good thing. This week I have spent time at the park and the library with other moms and their kids. Melody has enjoyed it too. This morning after an last minute bath (she soaked through her diaper last night) she was standing on the bathroom mat, naked and dripping wet.

I said, “Let’s go to your room now…”

She replied, “But I want to go to Fayetteville!!”

“We will go to Fayetteville, but we have to put some clothes on you first.”

Perhaps she could sense my urgency to get out of the house. We dressed her quickly and got the heck out of here. Our outing to the yarn store, the library and the health food store went well. On the way home she said, “I ready to be home now. I want to see Montana.” (Our dog.)

back in the saddle again

Life for the Mathis family has been turned upsidedown. A few weeks ago Chad got a phone call from a business person in residential construction. It was a Sunday evening and we had no idea the conversation would lead to Chad being employed again. Several phone calls and interviews later we are back in the saddle as a "normal" family. Chad goes to work everyday and I stay home with the girls.

Being thrown back into stay at home mom land has it's ups and downs. The ups include being able to spend more time with my other stay at home mom friends again. (Although this hasn't happened much yet.) Other ups include good health insurance and a steady income. The downside has a longer list. Time as a family has taken a huge hit. Chad is lucky if he's able to see the girls for more than two hours a day. He's in charge of a subdivsion that is a hour and fifteen minutes from our house. Long work days combined with drive time equal little time leftover for being at home.

Chad's return to the working world was an agonizing deicsion for us to make. The past five months have been a dream come true. We were able to spend everyday together. We enjoyed late breakfasts together. Somedays we'd wake up at 8:30 and say, "Let's go out to breakfast today." Most days he'd work outside on the land clearing brush or chopping firewood while I tended to the house. It was kinda like a Little House on the Prairie scenerio. When freelance came to me, he'd take over the house and the girls so I could work. I'd split my work time between home and coffee shops with wireless internet. I joined Curves because I had the freedom to leave the girls with him anytime to go exercise. I went to Walmart with one kid or no kids because he was available to watch them.

So, when this job opportunity came, we were unable to take it without feeling like someone had died. Our 'year of jubilee' was over. We felt gloomy and sad. We sat and stared at the walls as the new reality sunk in. Although we didn't talk to Melody about it directly, she knew what was going on. The morning of Chad's first day of work she woke up early, in time to see him before he left the house. Her first words that day were, "I don't want daddy to go to work."

Chad has just completed his first week of work. We are slowing getting back into the routine of 'normal' life. Toward the end of the day I start to feel like "What do I do with Leah?" I used to be able to hand her over to Chad so I could cook dinner or fold clothes. Now I have to figure out a way to do it all. I am using the sling again. She is big enough to sit on my hip now, which is comfortable for both of us.

The afternoons are the hardest part of the day for me. Starting around 2:00 I feel lost and sad. I wander around looking for motivation and purpose. I feel agitated and lonely and irritable. Sometimes a second dose of coffee helps me escape this funk, but I'm not satisfied with that for a solution. I want to enjoy my days at home with the girls. The mornings are great. If I could just carry that momentum though the rest of the day, I'd be doing great. I am trying view this challenging time of my life to an opportunity for spiritual growth. In the dire hours of the day I want to call out to Jesus for strength and help. For me to grow closer to God is one of the good things that could come out of this abrupt change in our lives.

5am wake up call

Once or twice a week Leah wakes up around 5:00am. She lays next to me in the bed with her eyes wide open. She smiles hugely and kicks the sheets with a jabbing motion. I try to cox her to go back to sleep by patting her bottom, jiggling her body, nursing her, etc. The list continues. Each attempt fails. Instead she becomes even more animated. She coos and laughs at the idea of any more sleep. It is torturous and silly to attempt sleep with such a wildly awake neighbor, so we get up.

This morning I stumbled into the kitchen with coffee on my mind. It's the next best thing to sleep at 5:00am. Before getting a new pot brewing, I spilled yesterday's damp grounds all over the floor. The paper towell roll was empty and the broom gone from it's pantry hook. (We're at my mom-in-law's right now. The house is devastated after last weekend's wedding. We've been to tired to clean things up. The wedding was at the house.) Who whould have thought making coffee could be such a chore? During it all, Leah sat wide-eyed in her Bumbo seat on the counter.

I started to perk up after eight ounces of coffee with cream and a runny fried egg on jellied toast. (I was tempted to eat leftover wedding cake for breakfast. Self control won the 5am battle but we'll see what happens the rest of the day.) I resituated Leah and myself at the laptop -- she still in her blessed bumbo seat. I did a little email and read a few blogs. After twenty minutes Leah let out a mild whine. I reached for her sweet six month old body and held her close. Within one minute she was out cold... sound asleep with her face directly in my shoulder. I don't know how she breathes like that. Her sleeping body slumped against me, exhausted from our early morning adventures. I held her for a few minutes thinking, "This early morning routine isn't so bad after all." I was able to spend some sweet time with my happy baby. I had my coffee. Now I'm the only one awake in a large quiet house. (It feels like I'm the only one up in the region. No matter house many times we visit, I cannot get used to the midwest. The vast crop fields make me feel isolated.)

Even though getting out of bed at 5:00am would never be my choice, it usually turns out to be a blessing in diguise, as do so many other things related to caring for a baby.

weekend with old friends

The girls are napping. (I love it when they nap at the same time!) Chad went to Tulsa to take our Oregon friends to the airport. The house is strangely quiet after a weekend of hustle and bustle. Friday night there were eleven people sleeping here. Every bed was full, plus some floor space (sorry Dan). To top it off, the two college students were on an air mattress on the screened-in back porch.

Chad are I are the happiest when we have a house full of friends. We anticipated the weekend with Walmart trips, meal prep, and lists of chores. The house looked it’s best when everyone arrived. I was tired from all the work, but completely happy to sit and visit and catch up.

We met Dan’s fiancé, Erin for the first time. They will be married in a month. Seeing them together reminded me of my own engagement. I had forgotten about every moment together being consumed with touch. Holding hands, rubbing knees, leaning on each other. I had to smile every time I noticed it. Now my days are full of a different kind of touch. Bald baby head on my shoulder and sticky toddler hands tugging at my pant leg. It is fun to remember the days of engagement anticipation and it is equally rewarding to realize how far we’ve come from that place.

We did many old school days things with our friends. Memories multiplied as we gathered around a bonfire at Lincoln Lake, recalling cliff jumping, throwing boulders into the water, eating ant-covered donuts, and wondering who might hook up with who. (Now we know!) The next day 12 of us went to Twin Falls to grill burgers. I was insane with worry, trying to keep Melody away from the edge of the rocks. At one point I said panicky in a loud voice, “Where is Melody? Where is Melody?! Where is MELODY?!!” My friend Beck turned around to reveal that Melody was in her arms, out of my view. I took some deep breaths and tried to relax. We watched Dan and Matt jump off the falls and Melody discovered she could throw rocks in the water. She busied herself with this activity for the rest of the outing.

Sunday morning everyone gathered at our place for an informal baby dedication for Leah and Abbie Mae. Chad and I took turns holding Leah during the time. I felt proud and humbled and joyful to recognize the blessing God has given to us. We talked about the Old Testament story of how Hannah dedicated Samuel to the Lord. It is a story I happened to read a few days ago. I guess God is reminding me that Leah is His. This truth gives me chills and makes me want to take the best possible care of our little Leah. I’m so thankful for her.

I am also thankful for my college friends. Our relationships have passed the test of time despite the fact that we live all over the country. I thank God for each of them, including Dan’s bride. Welcome to the group Erin!

leah's five month letter

Dear Leah,
Tomorrow you will be five months old. Tonight I swaddled you in a size two diaper for the first time. You're little body is a mere 12.5 pounds. You are full of sweet personality. You squeal and growl with gusto. Your big sister makes you smile and stare. She enjoys talking to you. When you get upset she mimicks mommy's sing-songy voice by saying "Toe-Tay Leah." ("It's okay Leah.") Melody also enjoys sharing her toys with you. Sometimes I glance your way and discover a ball or teddy bear nestled next to your head as you sit contentedly in your swing. You should know that these toys are your sister's favorites and she delights in giving them to you.

You still sleep with mommy and daddy at night. We didn't expect to have you in the bed with us for so long, but night time is when you do most of your nursing. During the day we give you two or three bottles of formula to help you grow. I fear you will stop nursing sooner if we stop co-sleeping at night, so in our bed you stay. Last night I had trouble falling asleep. I rested on my side and stared at your beautiful sleeping face. Your flawless skin is softer than possible. When I touch your face, my senses can barely comprehend that anything is there.

I often wear you in a sling during the day. Sometimes you fall asleep on me as I move around the house to cook and clean. Today the four of us went for a walk on the land. It was a damp, cool day and you nestled close to my chest as we walked. Melody walked between mommy and daddy and said "Good girl, Chad" to daddy when he cut down a branch on the trail. By the time we got back to the house, you were sleeping soundly next to my heart. I took a deep breath and felt so lucky to have you in my arms.

Love,
Mommy

coloring

Last week I stumbled upon a local toy store that is going out of business. I felt sad for the owners, who wore defeated expressions. At the same time, I was thrilled to find shelves full of merchandise marked 50% off. I spent $60 and walked out with three bags full of goodies for the girls. The loot included, Melissa & Doug art supplies*, large white easel paper rolls, a genuine purple playground ball, wooden beads, wooden puzzles, wooden sewing templates, 100 colorful blocks, and a few other things.

I'm the most excited about the art supplies. They include finger paint, crayons, stamps, ink pads, and paper. Within a couple days of the purchases I lured Melody to the kitchen table with the promise of something new to play with. Her eyes danced with excitement as she climbed into the booster seat and saw the plastic container of bright crayons for the first time. I taped a 3 foot section of the thick white easel paper to the area of table within her reach and let her loose. She scribbled back and forth with yelps of glee, saying the colors as fast as she could, "Purple! Yellow! Red...!"

I felt a surge of pride as I watched her play. Memories of my own childhood rushed through my senses. As a child I spent hours knealing at the coffee table coloring. I'd beg my parents to color with me. My dad gave in often. I remember squirming with delight as he joined me on the floor beside the coffee table. He would color one page and say, "Okay. That's enough for me." The minutes of joined coloring would be over in a flash. In later years I'd lament about how he didn't color wtih me for long enough. My mom informed me that he actually colored with me for long amounts of time. I believe her because to this day, when I sit down to do anything creative (especially involving color), the clock stops and I can work for hours without realizing it. In fact, a few weeks ago I saw down at my laptop to do some work. In my hand was a piece of Dove dark chocolate. I absent-mindedly set it down next to the computer. TWO HOURS LATER I looked down and it was still sitting there, untouched. But back to Melody...

For the past few days we've been coloring together. I say, "Do you want me to make a polka dot?"

She responds, "Okay. Red."

"Here you go. Here's a red polka dot for Melody!"

"Nice. I like it! Again. Blue!"

After a section of multi-colored polka dots forms, I say, "How about a triangle?" and we proceed. Soon the table top is covered with shapes, fruit, trees, rainbows, hearts, numbers, letters, and other elementary items. I look at the clock and realize that 45 minutes has passed in a flash. Some things never change. I hope in the years to come she and Leah enjoy art as much as I do.



* By the way, I love crayons by the Melissa & Doug brand. They are great for kids for a few reasons. They are triangular which means they do not roll all over the place. Also, they are not covered in paper so no peeling is necessary. And finally, they are much stronger than typical crayons which means they don't break all the time. I love them!

fun days & hard days

Melody is sick again. She has rubbed her nose/face raw due to a runny/itchy nose. She whines, "Nose hurts." about a million times a day. Sometimes she asks me to kiss it. She is in the stage where kissing things makes them 'better.' It's tricky to kiss a crusty nose without gagging. I try.

Last week we had two wonderful days in a row. Melody played with her toys, sang to Leah, helped me with chores and was in a delightful mood all day long. Leah is in the fun four month old mode. She coos and squirms but does not roll over yet. She loves her swing and bouncy seat. She laughs and squeals nonstop. In the midst of those happy days I felt like I could have many more children. Things were glowy.

Then Melody developed her 4th cold of the season. In a matter of 12 hours she was whiny, crying, touchy, needy, upset, inconsolable and difficult. She does not eat or sleep or play. She just wants to be held. It's hard to hold a two year old all day long when you have a four month old. All of the sudden, the idea of MORE kids is crazy!

The upside to everything is the weather. It's been like California weather here. We spent a few hours at the park today. Leah and I have pink cheeks from the sunshine. I will have to be very careful with her milky white skin. It will not handle the sun the same way Melody's golden skin does. Leah has my fair complextion.

leah milestones

Four months is one of my favorites places in the first year of a baby's life. Leah is stealing my heart everyday. I'm feeling more at ease about her weight for two reasons... she started taking bottles again!! After about a month of rejecting the bottle, she's willing to drink from it again. I've been giving her 3 or 4 ounces of formula each evening. After only 4 days of supplementing, she's gained 4 ounces!!! She is now 11 pounds!!! I'm so happy.

We've also begun the adventure of cloth diapers. My friend, Crystal, lent us her newborn stash (thank you, Crys!) and we're trying them out. My initial reason for wanting to try cloth was to save money. As I'm using them, many other reasons are developing. I like putting something so soft on my baby. I didn't realize how harsh and abrasive disposable diapers feel until I began using these wonderfully soft cotten diapers. Another reaon I feel good about it is the environment. I don't tend to be a "green" person, but I am mindful of how much gasoline I use and how much diaper trash we've been making. It's a huge amount with two in diapers!

We're still very new at this cloth diaper thing. I've only done one load of wash so far. (Actually three... to wash them well I'm told to do three cycles of washing. One cold, one hot, another cold.) I plan to hang them on a line in the sun to dry them. We've pretty much stopped using our dryer to save on the electric bill. The days are warm and sunny enough to hang dry clothes. Mel is my helper by handing me clothes pins while I hang the clothes.

One of the things I love about the 4 month stage is smiles. Leah is full of smiles for us. Little shy smiles. Open mouth grins of glee. Giggly, jittery, excited smiles. Slow, sleepy, goofy grins. Each one melts my heart. It is good to be past the three month mark. Some people refer to the first three months as the fourth trimester. It is a hard time for all, but especially for the mama. Nursing every hour and a half is tedious and night time wears one down quickly. I was super lucky to have outtles of help from family, friends, and my stay-at-home husband. Almost everyday I ask myself how single moms do this mothering thing.

I'm happy to be blogging again. I decided to just dive back in. All along I knew I didn't want to stop blogging, but I was not able to give it the time or energy I used to. I love to make my posts into stories. I like writing, reading, and rereading the posts before I am finished. But right now all that is not possible. I will be more free with my thoughts and less picky about my subject matter. It feels good to be back.

photo stress and leah's size

Melody and Leah are scheduled to have professional photos taken this weekend. Ever since I made the appointment a few days ago, I've been stressed out about what they will wear. If they are in a photo together I want their outfits to coordinate... not necessarily match, but work together. Melody has an adorable dress by Mini Boden (UK brand) that I bought on ebay awhile back. It is floral. I usually stick with solids for photos but this dress is the perfect for a spring photo.

Leah does not have many clothes and none of them will work with this floral dress of Melody's. Leah wears comfy one-piece outfits most of the time right now. I don't like putting babies in jeans or overalls until they start moving around. I find pants annoying at this stage because they ride up too high or fall off. Yesterday Leah was wearing a pair of 3-6 month jeans. Chad held her up above his head and the jeans fell off her skinny body!!

Which brings me to another topic of stress... her size. Yesterday I had a terrible day. It was one of the worst days I've never had, in fact! I cried and moped and frowned all day long. I could not pull myself from the pit. I went to Fayetteville but it didn't pull me out of my funk. We had dinner with wonderful friends but that did not pull me out of my funk either. As we drove home in the dark I told Chad I was so thankful for a new day tomorrow.

Today has been better. I was pretty upset about Leah again this morning and then she drank a few ounces of formula from a bottle!!! My mom had the magic touch I guess because Leah has been rejecting bottles from us for over a month. She has gained only 1 ounce in about 3 weeks. She has a wellbaby checkup next week and I am anxious for the doctor to see her and tell me what he thinks. I've been willing/ready to supplement for weeks, but she would spit out anything from an eyedropper, etc. She is four months old and weighs just 10 lbs / 12 oz. (But she is 25-26 inches long!!!)

Having a low milk supply is so frustrating. I feed her every hour and a half and she still sucks on her hands all the time. POOR BABY! I'm so so so so so relieved that she drank from the bottle today. I gave her another 4 ounces of formula this evening and she did fine with that too. I have hope again.

sick winter

I could barely remember what a head cold felt like until this year. Let me start a the beginning. I've had numerous ailments this winter. I will recap them for you...

When Leah was five weeks old I started feeling the symptoms of a urinary tract infection (UTI). I am prone to these, especially if I drink too much coffee. Being a new mom of two, coffee quickly became my best friend. Some days I accidentally drank more coffee than water. This is a big no-no for me. I tried to kick the infection myself with natural stuff like cranberry extract and lots of water. I told myself that I'd go to the doctor when/if I got a fever. Ten days of mild symptoms passed with no fever. Finally a fever hit me full force. By the time I got in to see the doctor it was at 103. I was miserable and the infection was bad. I started antibiotics that did not work because the infection was too strong. They gave me a shot. It worked and I started feeling better. I was very relieved because I was fearing IV antibiotics (which I've had once before for a UTI).

Days after my UTI saga I got poison ivy. I had planted some tulip bulbs in the jungle of our front yard. My ungloved hands were exposed. Since I'm breastfeeding, the rash spread right to my breasts making me more miserable than I can describe. To top things off, we were in Illnios with the inlaws for Christmas so I had to wear a bra during it all. Awful. Leah and Melody did not get the poison ivy. Whew!

Soon after that I developed thrush (from the antibiotics). OWIE! I nursed through it with much wincing and flinching. I took myself off white flour and sugar (no coke!) and started eating plain Dannon for breakfast and lunch. Being off fast food, sugar, and cokes was not that hard. Whole grains and healthy food tasted good and I felt better than I have in a long time despite the annoying thrush. (Unfortunately I'm craving crap food again.)

We had an all night scream fest with Leah after I put an undiluted drop of grapefruit seed extract in her mouth. Dumb mommy; poor baby. I didn't know it would cause such a reactio. She had gas and mouth-pain all night. The next day she slept for 7 hours!

The thrush healed just in time for the world's worst head cold to begin. It lasted for 12 days. I went through boxes and boxes of tissue. I was in the midst of a huge freelance project during the cold. In the midst of it, I was attempting to breastfeed Leah every hour and a half because she was not gaining enough weight.

The horrible cold was the last of my ailments. Since then, both girls have had the flu. (!) I was spared somehow, despite the fact that I slept in bed with Melody through the worst of her illness. There is nothing more sad than a toddler with fever. She would say "Toe hurts." "Finger hurts." "Nose hurts." "Hair hurts." I'd kiss each painful area and she'd move to the next. Poor baby... everything hurt!

We are finally starting to feel like a healthy family again. I feel hopeful for spring time. I hope we never have such a sick winter again!!

three months

It is March. I can't believe it. 2007 is flying by. The past three months have been a blur. We've experienced a lot of change this year, starting with our brand new baby, Leah. She turned four months a couple of days ago. She's very different from Melody, although they share a few similarities. One of these is their size. Leah is little. I often refer to her as our Little Leah. She's almost 11 lbs now. This puts her in the 5th percentile for weight. She's long though, and at 25 inches is in the 95th percentile. Her middle swims in outfits while her ankles and feet dangle below the hemline. I worry about her weight a lot. We have a wellbaby checkup scheduled for next week. I'm looking forward to hearing what the doctor has to say.

Another huge change for us this year is Chad's job situation. He was laid off in December. (!) The residential housing market is very slow. His company overbuilt last year and they had to shut down the construction side of the company. We were not surprised by the lay-off. We actually welcomed it because we were ready for a change. I made a few calls and quickly acquired some freelance work. January and February were a blur of work and breastfeeding. Chad held down the fort and cared for the girls while I worked my tail off. The jobs were on the fast track and paid well. I missed hanging out with my mom friends and shopping the after Christmas sales, but having our family of four together on a daily basis was worth the sacrifice.

For the past couple of weeks I've been without freelance work. We've enjoyed perpetual days off marked with breaskfasts at 9am, walks on our land, doing chores together, and simply being together. It's like a dream. Both of us have been hesitant to fully embrace it for fear that it is too good to be true. As the three month mark passes we're finally allowing things to sink in. We are so happy.

baby anncouncement

We had the baby! Most of you already know already... two weeks and one day ago, on November 11, Leah Sage Mathis was born!!! I've meant to blog about it for two weeks, but you know how it goes.

She weighed 8 pounds and 5 ounces and was 21 inches long. Leah's birth was completely different from Melody's birth. The labor was longer in total, but the end was super fast. I will write the entire birth story in the future, but for now here are a few tidbits:

• Leah was born at 3:53 in the morning.
• I felt the urge to push this time.
• She was born in the water (bathtub).
• The midwives arrived 45 minutes before she was born.
• Chad and I had a sweet bonding experience during this birth.
• I coped very differently this time.
• I needed 4 stitches after the birth, as opposed to 14 after Melody.

Leah is doing awesome. She is nursing like a pro and has a very loud cry. She looks a little bit like Melody did, but there are many differences. She has my hands and fingers. She has a little cleft in her chin; we don't know where it came from. She has a very calm demeanor when she is awake. She moves her head around slowly, taking in her surroundings one thing at a time. Night time varies greatly. She's been known to sleep for 7 hours already, with no intentions of waking up to eat. Other nights we are up often, eating around the clock.

I'm feeling pretty good. I've recovered more quickly this time. The first week I stayed in bed almost all the time. The second week I took it easy on the couch, watching movies and shows while people brought me water every time we nursed. Chad and my mom as well as his family have taken wonderful care of me. Chad's mom and sister are scheduled to be her for two more weeks! I feel like by the time they leave, I'll have a handle on things well enough to not freak out. Maybe. All in all, we're doing very well... feeling happy and blessed with our family of four.

baby anncouncement

We had the baby! Most of you already know already... two weeks and one day ago, on November 11, Leah Sage Mathis was born!!! I've meant to blog about it for two weeks, but you know how it goes.

She weighed 8 pounds and 5 ounces and was 21 inches long. Leah's birth was completely different from Melody's birth. The labor was longer in total, but the end was super fast. I will write the entire birth story in the future, but for now here are a few tidbits:

• Leah was born at 3:53 in the morning.
• I felt the urge to push this time.
• She was born in the water (bathtub).
• The midwives arrived 45 minutes before she was born.
• Chad and I had a sweet bonding experience during this birth.
• I coped very differently this time.
• I needed 4 stitches after the birth, as opposed to 14 after Melody.

Leah is doing awesome. She is nursing like a pro and has a very loud cry. She looks a little bit like Melody did, but there are many differences. She has my hands and fingers. She has a little cleft in her chin; we don't know where it came from. She has a very calm demeanor when she is awake. She moves her head around slowly, taking in her surroundings one thing at a time. Night time varies greatly. She's been known to sleep for 7 hours already, with no intentions of waking up to eat. Other nights we are up often, eating around the clock.

I'm feeling pretty good. I've recovered more quickly this time. The first week I stayed in bed almost all the time. The second week I took it easy on the couch, watching movies and shows while people brought me water every time we nursed. Chad and my mom as well as his family have taken wonderful care of me. Chad's mom and sister are scheduled to be her for two more weeks! I feel like by the time they leave, I'll have a handle on things well enough to not freak out. Maybe. All in all, we're doing very well... feeling happy and blessed with our family of four.

breakfasts of late

Lately Chad and I have been eating breakfast together before he leaves for work in the morning. Getting up with him is something I used to do on a regular basis, but the past few months have been different. During pregnancy, I need more sleep, so I used every extra morning minute for dozing.

Now that I'm only two weeks away from my due date, I'm not able to sleep well. By the wee hours of the morning, my cumbersome body is tired of rolling back and forth, looking for a comfortable position. I usually give up, get out of bed, pee for the 5th, 6th, or 7th time that night, and shuffle to the kitchen to start breakfast for us. Another breakfast motivator is my morning appetite. The baby is hungry.

When we got married (almost six years ago), Chad was a fan of sweet things in the morning. He craved cinnamon rolls or anything with syrup. I'm more of a protein/salt type breakfast eater; I prefer omeletes, potatoes, toast, etc. Over the years we've meshed our breakfasts likes. Now, I can appreciate a piping hot cinnamon roll and he can't do breakfast out without a side of crispy hashbrowns. Saturdays have become our special breakfast day of the week. We either go out to eat, or make something worthwhile at home. A couple weeks ago Chad woke up with a sore throat. It was a Saturday morning. When I asked what sounded good to him for breakfast and he replied,

"Oatmeal, toast with honey, and hot tea."

I thought to myself, "What a switch from cinnamon rolls and coffee!" I knew he was really under-the-weather.

I made his requested list and it really hit the spot for both of us. Since that Saturday, we've been having this healthy breakfast almost every morning. I add walnuts, raisins, honey, and milk to the oatmeal. Butter and honey goes on the toast. The hot tea gets honey as well. I guess autumn is the time for honey.

Chad says his day goes better when we eat breakfast together. I enjoy spending time together in the mornings also. Usually Melody is awake by the time he leaves, so he's able to see her for a few minutes. I know everything will change again very soon when the baby arrives. My nights will be long and lonely and I won't have energy in the mornings for family breakfast. It will be a temporary phase (hopefully shorter than longer), and I hope that after awhile we can enjoy breakfast everyday again.

red party high

I woke up early with the rain. I decided to get out of bed and spent some time with Chad instead of laying there awake. We had coffee and banana bread. His eyes were vacant and large with sleepiness, but the time together was good anyway. We shared a small glass of apple juice because the coffee didn't quench our thirst.

As the black truck reved up for his drive to work, I stood in the rainy doorway, feeling the breeze and smelling the water. I felt content and full with half a cup of coffee in hand, Melody still sleeping, the day ahead of me.

Mornings like this are so different from the depressed ones. I feel light and easy today.

It's partly a high from a wonderful time with girlfriends last night. We had a Red Party; also called A Blessing Way. It's basically a baby shower, but instead of focusing on the baby, the focus is on the mother. The large-bellied pregnant mama gets treated to TLC with a foot soaking, massage and henna. We tell our birth stories. They are intertwined with tears and laughter. We recount the pain, hardship, joy and newness of birth. We eat fancy food and each of us comes away with a beaded bracelet to wear until the birth of the new baby.

I left the gathering feeling amazed at the group of like-minded, but different, women that God has brought into my life. My sleep was full of dreams of support and babies. My due date is now 10 weeks away. Participating in Laurel's Red Party was a small step toward preparation for my own journey to deliver this baby into the world.

a hairy morning

The morning began with a groggy mama going on 4 hours of sleep. Heartburn and caffeine kept me awake until 3am. I served a lovely leftover pancake to Melody for breakfast and attempted to clean up the kitchen before the termite inspector arrived. He showed up late, eager to chat. We stood in the entry way as he gave me details about the log cabin he's building and the friends he's living with. Yaaawn. Finally, with body language, I eased away from him and he began the flash light inspection.

Later, in an attempt to load the car for an outing of errands, Melody picked up a dead mouse in the driveway. (!) I turned around and looked down just in time to see her little hand expertly wrapped around the dead creature's furry body. I screamed something like, "NO NO NO! Yucky!" She dropped it and I scooped her up. After a hot-water-hand-washing, we returned to the driveway where she prompty yelled, "No No No Yucky!" upon seeing the offending rodent. I had to smile.

My days are full in more ways than one. I pick up thrown objects at least every 5 minutes. Toys, books, sippy cups, food, and everything else that touches Melody's hands. She keeps me busy and tired, as well as very entertained. Her newest word is "Cap!" which is her version of "Crap". It's funny right now, but we're definitely realizing it's time to watch ourselves more closely. My belly is also full. Space for digestive organs decreases as the baby grows. We now have just 10 weeks go to until the due date, which has been confirmed to be Thanksgiving Day.

health food store inspiration

Today I went to the health food store. It’s a relatively new establishment and I enjoy shopping there. I do not frequent it as often as I’d like. It is located 35 minutes from my house, so making a special trip takes planning. (Something I don’t often do.) Making a spur of the moment trip happens even less, because Melody is usually ready to go home after two or three stops.

I like the place because it motivates me. I like browsing the shelves of specialty items. I feel at ease because the products are preservative free and healthier than their mass marketed counterparts. Instead of reading three inch long ingredient lists I skim a much shorter, simpler list. I love it when products only have a few ingredients. Another perk is the packing. Most of the products are designed with attention to detail. There are no Great Value or Sam’s Choice labels screaming at me. (Although I’ve noticed that Walmart is starting to pay more attention to the design of their generic products.)

My favorite part of the health food store is the full service deli. It is a large serve-yourself assortment of foods. Soups, salads, and freshly made hot dishes are lined up in an array of color, texture and smell. Today I bought freshly made tuna and a cup of thick cream of mushroom soup. As I made my soup decision between three wonderful options I compared them to the canned soups in my pantry at home. There is no comparison. The freshly made ones are superior in every way (including price).

Stirring and smelling the soups inspired me. I have no doubt that I could make them myself with the right recipe. The ingredients were simple. I want to shop at the health food store more often, if not just for inspiration. If anyone has a good soup recipe, please share!

how many?

How many kids do I want? This question is in me all the time. I lull it over at least once a day.

When Chad and I got married we thought four was the magic number. He comes from family of four. Boy, girl, boy, girl in perfect staggered order. Holidays and vacations with his family are a blast. Each child is different but alike. Music fills the house at each gathering. Piano, guitar, harmonica, mandolin. Hymns, Johnny Cash, Counting Crows, Dixie Chicks, carols. We eat macaroni, ice cream, pepsi, coke, popcorn, and big meals together.

The harmony of Chad’s siblings makes me want to have a large family of my own. I recently watched The Family Stone. While the plot left me discontent, I enjoyed seeing the dynamics of a large family. Watching the mom cherish each child put a fire in me to have a lot of kids of my own.

The idea of having a family like that in the long term is so appealing. In the meantime I’m not sure how many I can handle. When I think of the pregnancies, the births, breastfeeding, diapers, sleepless nights, car seats, bags of groceries, years of schooling, laundry and 1000 other things having to do with raising a family, I’m unsure of my capabilities. Could I raise 4 kids? Could I do it well?

After I had Melody I was riddled with self-doubt and disbelief. I had wanted to become a mother more than anything in the world, and it was kicking my butt! I did not think I could/would have another baby until she was seven months old. Those first months were harder than I can even remember. I was in a daze most of the time.

I am starting to think the answer to my question might be a one-at-a-time type of thing. When giving birth I have to focus on one contraction at a time. If I think about more I start to loose my mind. When I was approaching transition in Melody’s birth, I looked up at Chad and with panic in my voice said, “How am I going to have the 3rd baby?!” He kindly reminded me to try to focus on the contraction at hand, and nothing more. (He was prepared for me to freak out about more contractions, but not about more births!) He was right. When I focused on the contraction at hand, I could do it. It was horrible, but doable. Maybe the trick with the “How many kids do I want?” question is the same answer. One at a time, baby.

blurry wondering

I went off my antidepressant when I realized I was pregnant. I had no physical side effects as I weaned off the drug. Emotionally, I was already upsidedown due to the news of the surprise pregnancy, so I did not notice a marked change in my disposition.

In the weeks since I've tried to analyze how I'm feeling. I ask myself questions like,
Am I depressed? Do I feel down? Are things hard right now?

The answers to these questions have been positive. I'm not in the dark place I remember from the months following Melody's birth. I do not cry everyday. I do not feel like I'm floating or wandering around the house without purpose or aim. I'm able to smile for real.

But this week I am starting to wonder if there are underlying things going on that might be signaling depression.

I'm unmotivated with work and home.
I'm overly sensitive.
I'm sleeping a lot.
Decision-making is stressful and difficult.

These things combine to make me feel like faliure. I've been chalking them up to the pregnancy, but I'm not sure that's all it. Trying to figure out this subjective stuff is hard. I feel blind to myself. I don't know how to feel or what to think. Where is this confusion coming from?

rainy day at home

It has been raining nonstop for at least for 5 hours. I have the windows open enough to hear the water coming down. I am relaxed today. I love days when I'm happy to be at home. More often than not, I desire to be out and about, busy with other people. But occasionally, a couple times a month, I crave home. One these days I enjoy coffee, dim lights, reading, playing with Melody, cooking, and relaxing. I want to cultivate this home-time more. Any ideas how?

hanging on

The new baby continues to grow inside of me. We are now about 4 months pregnant. The weeks fly by like a train. In the mean time life is busy. We have a friend from college living with us this summer. He and Chad work on the house in all their extra time. We have about four weeks left until the bank deadline, so it is crunch time. I do my part by attempting to keep Melody and myself out of their way. It's been lonely, and I can't wait until July so we can relax and be together again. This is another example of a time of trial bringing out the positive of regular life. I am ready to return to humdrum.

We've been going to church more regularly. I am still amazed at how many babies and pregnant families are at this place. I would feel left out if I were not pregnant! How weird is that? The church meets in an amazing facility for the Boys & Girls Club. There is an indoor pool, climbing wall, soccer fields, playground, etc. Yesterday the congregation had a cookout play time. It lasted until 5pm and was a success. I was exhausted when we got home because I chased Melody for 3 hours straight. (Chad was at home working.) She had a blast in the water, which makes me want to take her swimming everyday.