6/14/2006

blurry wondering

I went off my antidepressant when I realized I was pregnant. I had no physical side effects as I weaned off the drug. Emotionally, I was already upsidedown due to the news of the surprise pregnancy, so I did not notice a marked change in my disposition.

In the weeks since I've tried to analyze how I'm feeling. I ask myself questions like,
Am I depressed? Do I feel down? Are things hard right now?

The answers to these questions have been positive. I'm not in the dark place I remember from the months following Melody's birth. I do not cry everyday. I do not feel like I'm floating or wandering around the house without purpose or aim. I'm able to smile for real.

But this week I am starting to wonder if there are underlying things going on that might be signaling depression.

I'm unmotivated with work and home.
I'm overly sensitive.
I'm sleeping a lot.
Decision-making is stressful and difficult.

These things combine to make me feel like faliure. I've been chalking them up to the pregnancy, but I'm not sure that's all it. Trying to figure out this subjective stuff is hard. I feel blind to myself. I don't know how to feel or what to think. Where is this confusion coming from?

2 comments:

Rose said...

I can see why it is confusing. So much of what you are experiencing can be chalked up to hormones from pregnancy but also maybe depression? I just don't know either. But, I feel for your pain and trust you will be able to sort it through with help from those who can help. I wish you wisdom and strength.

bekah said...

Rose -- Thank you for the sweet words and confidence. You're such an encourager! ~Bek