hard questions

Laura sent this photo to me yesterday. It was taken the day after we graduated from JBU in May of 1999. Seeing this photo brought back interesting feelings for me. First I felt warmth because of the friendship portrayed. Our relaxed body language and easy smiles say a lot about us. Next, I recalled how bad I felt that day. I was struggling with being sad, mean and angry. I had PMS that day. I tried to be happy, but it was a huge battle.

Often when I look at photos, I think, "Ugh, I remember that day. I had PMS and I felt horrible (emotionally)." Which led to more thoughts... Am I depressed too much of the time? What is normal for a woman? Do I just tell myself I'm happy? Does it count, if 9 years later I look at a photo and remember the angst that I felt? All these questions lead to the big one that pops into my head every few weeks. Should I be on an antidepressant? I took an AD for one year, after Melody was born. The postpartum depression I experienced after Melody's birth was deeper than the PMS mood swings. I took Wellbutrin and it worked really well. I stopped taking when I got pregnant with Leah.

I doubt I'll take an AD unless things get worse. I tend to error on the side of no action when it comes medication. But yesterday, seeing that photo made me second guess myself. About 1/3 of my photos carry memories of feeling bad on the inside like that day.


Lauren said...

ugh!! Interesting. We'll talk more about this next week. Thanks for sharing

Sunny said...

That's a tough call, and certainly one only you can make. If you aren't seeing a therapist you might try that first, and they could advise you on the anti depressants. Talking things out regularly may be enough to do the trick without the drugs.

I do have the same thoughts about many of my pics as well. I was looking through my first's baby book and would think "oh yea, Bill and I had a monster fight that day" and it be a pic of us smiling on the beach holding our baby :)