unexpected disappointment

I am truly happy about having a girl now. It took me a day or two to get to this point. After the ultrasound I was surprisingly baffled and sad. Chad and I went to a small town diner for breakfast after the appointment. As we waited for our food a family of three sat down at a nearby table. They had a 2 year old boy. My heart sank as I realized I wasn't having a boy. Later that evening my mom and I went shopping for baby clothes. As I sifted through the clearance rack I paused at each boy outfit with a sigh.

Two years ago my heart was set on having a girl. Then something happened and the idea of a baby boy became endearing. When I found out I was pregnant my instincts told me it was a boy. As an ENFP I trust my intuition a lot. It usually proves correct. I rationally understood that the baby might be a girl, but I purchased boy items and pictured a blue baby room. We settled on a boy name. (Logan Hunter.) When the ultrasound-lady told us it was most-likely a girl (she was 90% sure), I was surprised and numb.

I've gone through a mild process of grief to accept that this baby is not a boy. I am elated to have a girl, but also sad for the boy that will not be. I did not expect these feelings to be part of finding out the sex of the baby. I thought I'd be joyful just like I was the day I found out about the pregnancy. Instead I've had to process my feelings and thoughts to get to that excited place.

Now I'm ready to think GIRL. We've settled on the name Melody. For middles names we're thinking about Leah, Kate, and Raine. (Any opinions of these are welcome! I like hearing people's thoughts.) I've also been brainstorming about the nursery. I think we'll still do a blue & green theme with small doses of pink here and there. We'll paint the walls a pastel aqua color. I plan to paint large pokka dots on one wall with a gloss version of the same color. Another wall will get wide stripes.

It's been a weird week. I'm thankful we found out the sex of the baby now, rather than waiting; this way I feel more emotionally prepared than I would otherwise. Of course, there is still small chance it could be a boy... when I start thinking about that I get all weird again.

IT'S A GIRL!!!

Chad and I went to our ultrasound appointment this morning. The nurse said there is a 90% chance we're having a girl!!!! We are very happy. We have no preference for a particular gender, but all along I had a feeling it was a boy. When the nurse said "girl" I was surprised. It took me all day to get used to the idea of a girl. I've shared the news with my coworkers and family. Everyone squeals and hugs with joy. It is wonderful to have support and excitement around me.

The nurse said the baby measured big so my due date might change to Christmas day instead of January 9th. I would feel better about that because I've already gained 20 pounds! I'm starting to get uncomfortable. I have shooting aches along one side of my back and hip. Sleeping is getting difficult. I was a monster this morning. The idea of being two week further along makes me feel a little better. I am beginning to get antsy about the approaching 3rd trimester. I am also feeling joy and anticipation that makes the hard stuff worthwhile.

general happiness

I'm enjoying life these days. Being at home is one of my new favorite things. I used to be very social. I would make plans with people for nearly every night of the week. The weekends were full of company, meals with others, and talking on the phone. These days I'm different. I'm content to be at home alone. Chad traveled to Chicago last weekend and I soaked up the solitude like never before. In days past I would have filled my days with people, people, people. Instead I shopped alone, ate out alone, cleaned house alone, watched chick-flicks alone, planted mums alone and enjoyed every second of it. I even went to church alone! Before I would have never done that because I hated going to church by myself. Maybe the change is due to the sqirming life inside of me. I feel the baby moving about every 30 minutes! Or maybe I'm cherishing this alone time because in 4 short months I will have a baby to care for with minimal breaks. All I know is that solitude is my new best friend.

halfway

I had another doctor appointment today. We did the usual. Weigh in. Pee in a cup. Blood pressure. Doppler (heartbeat). Any questions? It was a fast appointment. The baby's heartbeat is stronger than it was last time. It goes swoosh-swoosh-swoosh. Chad and I smiled at each other as we listened to our baby's heart beating.I tried hard not to laugh with glee as I listened to it. Laughing causes static which overruns the swooshing.

We'll have an ultrasound in two weeks. If the baby cooperates we'll find out if it's a boy or girl. I'm ready to know!

little legs kicking

I'm feeling the baby move everyday now. I read last night that it's legs are the size of an adult little finger. No wonder the kicks are faint and fast! The book also said the baby kicks an average of 1000 times in a twenty-four hour period. I wonder how they know that? I guess the baby is working hard in order to grow muscles. Go baby go!

a productive weekend

Chad and I had a productive weekend. The biggest accomplishment made was a 10 foot picket fence across the edge of our front porch. Now that it is finished, it looks like a simple project; but it took us an entire Sunday afternoon to do. Chad made sure all the edges were flush and square. He cut 45 degree angles at the top of each picket to make a more 'finished look.' I like his attention to detail. We are pleased with the result. I'm excited to paint it white this week. I envision some homemade flower boxes along the top of the fence with springtime tulips. Maybe red ones. Do tulips do well in flower boxes? I don't recall seeing them that way.

In other news, I felt the baby move yesterday for the first time!!! I was laying in bed after a nap. I was relaxed and on my side. All of the sudden I felt a strong, faint, quick, flick. I think it was a kick? I smiled broadly and continued to lay there for 20 more minutes hoping to feel another movement. It feels even more real now. We will find out in 5 weeks if it's a boy or girl. Last night I dreamed we had a girl. All my other instincts say it's a boy.

to buy or not to buy

I have a confession. I am in love the Baby Gap clothes. I can browse their store with no concept of time, thumbing through the adorable prints and soft items. I get squealy when I see the tiny cargo pockets on the boy things and the delicate feminine trim on the girl things. I have not purchased a lot of baby clothes yet. I have a 25% off voucher for the Baby Gap for this weekend. I'm ready to go buy the whole store! My question is, how much stuff does a newborn really need? How many onsies will I need each day? Any advice of experienced moms out there is welcome!

better again

Well, the roller coaster continues and today I'm feeling better again. I'm very thankful that the overwhelmed-freakout-days only last for 24 hours. I was able to sleep last night and I woke up feeling much lighter. Part of the solution was probably the fact that I worked my bootie off in kickboxing last night. I'm convinced my stress level increases when I don't exercise. Side kicks are getting very difficult now that my belly is bigger. My balance and flexibility are going down the drain fast. Soon I'll be on the back row with the old people in the class. One guy is in his 60s and has had a knee replacement surgery. He's endearingly cute with his large black boxing gloves and skinny old man legs. He kicks only 6 inches off the ground and cracks jokes the entire hour. As long as I keep doing something I figure I'm better off than just sitting on the couch.

overwhelmed again

This pregnancy thing has me second guessing myself every other day. One day I feel on top of the world. The next day I am anxious, scared and full of questions. Yesterday was one of the bad days and it is overlapping into today. I feel stressed out about how to have this baby. Pros and cons of a hospital birth vs a home birth swirl in my head. I never thought I'd consider doing a home birth with a midwife, but the more I learn, the better it sounds. And yet, what if something goes wrong? I'd never be able to forgive myself.

I'm also worried about work. I try to take things one day at a time, but inevitably there are days when I want to throw up my hands and give up. "This is too much!" I think to myself. Then the next day I have a great time and I say to myself, "Wow. I love my job."

I guess I'm on the pregnancy roller coaster everyone talks about.

weekend of progress

Chad and I had an unusual weekend. Usually we spend lots of time with other people. Sometimes we do things with our friends individually; many times we hang out with other couples or several people at a time. This past weekend we didn't do anything with anyone. We spend the entire weekend with just each other. We didn't plan it that way. It just happened.

Friday I had big aspirations to cook enchiladas for dinner. I went to a chiropartor (for the first time) after work. The treatment made me feel like jello and I lost my desire to cook. We ended up at Abuelos; a nice mexican place. We shared avacado enchiladas and a layered dip.

Saturday Chad woke up at 5:00am! He just couldn't sleep. We ended up at Krispy Kreme at 6:45. Whew. I was so tired. A fresh, warm, glazed donut right off the belt made me happy. I spend the rest of the day organizing and arranging piles of photos into new leather albums. We rented a James Bond movie that night, but couldn't stay awake long enough to finish it.

Sunday we went to the early service at church. Going to the 8:00am service isn't easy, but we're always glad for the way it makes the day longer. After church we headed to our favorite coffee house. It's called Common Grounds. (We used to smoke cigars there until a city ordiance against smoking in restuarants was passed. Err.) We ordered and shared eachother's food. I got eggs & potatoes; Chad got french toast. He likes sweet things for breakfast; I like protien and salt. After breakfast we went to the granola health food store. I bought pre-natal vitamins, Ester-C, MSM, flaxseed oil, protien powder, and bread. The total for our undersized brown bag of items was $104. We gulped and reminded each other that any doctor bill is easily that much and we only make it to the health food store once or twice a year.

Sunday afternoon we spend the whole day at home. It was unseasonably cool outside. It rained on and off. The dog was lazy and slept at my feet while I continued the picture project. Chad sat at the other end of the table and worked on house plans. Every few minutes he'd hold the drawing up for me to see and ask a question.

"Do the dormers look right?"
"How big should this window be?"
"Should that closet be bigger?"
"Which way do you want this door to swing?"

We've devised a house plan that is about 1450 square feet. It is two story, four bedrooms, with porches, open kitchen/dining/living room, and big closets. I am more excited than overwhelmed at this point. Progress feels so good!

I completed the photo task through 2002. I still have a mammoth stack of pictures from 2003 to deal with. 2003 was our year of traveling so there are tons of pictures. After doing 1995 through 2002 though, this one year will be a cinch. I cannot believe it, but we had accumulated over 1500 pictures! And we're always saying to each other -- "We never take enough pictures."

Yeah right.

sweet relief

Ahh, the joys of Friday. It has been a long week. Nothing remarkable happened; maybe that's why it dragged on and on. I'm looking forward to my regular dose of weekend napping. It has become a routine... work all week; crash on the weekends.

I also have the desire to do some "nesting." Namely, commence the massive project of putting photos into albums. About two months ago I bought five identical large leather photo albums at Target. They will hold a total of 1500 pictures! I don't think we have that many right now, but with the baby on the way I figured we use them soon enough. (I'm more of an album girl than a scrapbooker.) We have piles of envelopes full of pictures from college days, dating, engagment, wedding, honeymoon, birthdays, holidays, traveling, everyday life, pets, new house, etc. It is time to get them in order! We will see if this is the weekend I tackle the project or not...

freakout

Last night I had a freakout. I was intensely overwhelmed. The prospect of buying land & building a house is too much for me to fathom right now. I love the idea of being in the country, settled into a custom home, surrounded by trees and chirping birds. But the thought of moving in my 3rd trimester, or worse, with a newborn, absolutely freaks me out.

I'm also worried about the hospital at which I've chosen to have the baby. I feel great about the doctor, but stories about the nurses and facility make me second guess my decision. What is more important -- the staff or the doctor? Any opinions out there? I need them.

Work is also a lot these days. I'm in my 3rd week as a Gifts Designer. (I used to design Cards only; now I do candles, journals, gift bags, frames, and all kinds of other things.) I am happy in the new department. I made the right decision. BUT, the transition is difficult. I wake up most nights thinking about pressing projects, late dealines, and the unknown aspects of my job. Last night it all came crashing down on me. I decided to skip karate. I usually go for Chad's sake. Last night I wanted to think of only ME. :)

So I stayed home. I accidentally fell asleep on the counch at 7:20. Fourty minutes later I woke up in a panic. No! Now I won't be able to sleep, I thought. I grabbed the leash and took the dog for a long brisk walk. The humidity made it less than pleasant, but I wanted to tire myself out so I'd be able to sleep. After awhile we crossed the street to take a look at the cows in a field near our neighborhood. (This is Arkansas I'm talking about.) There were about 30 cows... half mamas and half babies. The babies were very interested in Montana. They walked right up to the fence to check him out. Any movement I made startled them, but the dog didn't bother them at all. We stood there a lot time. I talked to a litte dark brown calf; the cutest one.

Hanging out with the cows was good for me. They made me smile and momentarily forget about my adult worries. Maybe living in rural Arkansas isn't so bad after all.

sunday motorcycle ride

Yesterday afternoon Chad and I went for a motorcycle ride. It was the first time of the season for me to ride. I have been apprehensive about riding because of the pregnancy. I have a whole new set of anxieties and fears now. As we drove out of the neighborhood I wondered silently, "Should I be doing this?"

Chad is an overly cautious person. He knew I was nervous so he went extra slow. We drove to our favorite frozen custard place; 20 minutes from the house. We ordered a large mint-oreo contrete. Behind the drive-thru establishment was a small field of thick grass and trees. We sat in the shade and shared the custard slowly. Chad is a good sharer. We don't eat faster, faster, faster to get more. We go slow and give each other time. I've always liked this about us.

After we finished the custard he showed me how to wistle with grass between my thumbs. I put the grass to my mouth, blew, and shocked myself with the shrill sound that ensued. I was pleased because I typically can't figure things like that out. Then he showed me how to blow into my closed hands to imitate the sound of a whipper-will bird. (That is probably spelled wrong.) I felt like we were kids, playing on a summer afternoon.

On the drive home I was able to relax and enjoy the wind. Chad could tell I was more at ease and he gunned the accelerator on the straight parts of the road. I held on tight and smiled. Soon I'll be too big to fit comfortably behind him on the bike. I'm enjoying our last months of being married without kids.

overalls

I'm enjoying wearing overalls these days. They feel good because they have no waistband. This weekend I'll "turn" 15 weeks. It is fun to be almost four months pregnant. My body is already very different. I've gained about 10 pounds. I am thick in the middle. I've started wearing semi maternity clothes. Several girls have loaned/given me maternity items. I should not have to buy much. This makes me happy because I'd rather spend money on the baby!

While in Atlanta I bought several baby items. I have a feeling we'll have a boy so I purchased boy things as well as neutrals. My favorite is a Gap outfit. It's baby blue & white... a onsie, matching striped pants (with a drawstring) and a striped hat with a knot at the top. It is absolutely adorable. We'll have the unltrasound to see if it's a boy or girl in September. I will be shocked if it is a girl. Either one is perfect though. I am glad I don't have a preference.

I feel back to my normal self again. The past two weeks I've had energy! I still tire easily, but the icky stomach stuff is gone as well as the restless nights. I am sleeping better again. They say the second trimester is the honeymoon phase of pregnancy. So far that is true for me. Although I've been hugely happy every day since I found out; even when I felt icky.

I haven't taken any pictures of myself yet. I need to start as I look mildly pregnant now. I have low aspirations as far as scrapbooking goes. Many women excitedly ask, "Will you do a baby scrapbook?!" I just don't want to. Instead I'd rather do simple photo albums with blurbs of writing next to the pictures. Or I might opt for a Hallmark baby book. They have some beautiful ones.

swamped and happy to be home

I've been away for awhile. Part of this absence is due to travel. I went to Atlanta for six days. The first half of the trip was work-related. The second half was spent hanging out with friends and their toddlers. The idea of dealing with a toddler on a daily basis scares me. I'm super excited for the baby, but a toddler? I've never been a very patient person. I'm glad the toddler stage is on that comes later and not right away.

It is wonderful to be back home. I love traveling and I also love returning home. I missed Chad while I was away. By the time I saw him at the airport I was giddy with love and affection. It is fun to rekindle those junior high feelings of adoration every once in awhile.

Work is challenging right now. I have looming deadlines and I'm not sure how to get to the finish line. I have a lot to learn. I've been enjoying quiet time in the morning everyday. Time to sit outside, be quiet, pray, read, and think. The new job position has made me depend on God more than I've had to in the past few years. When life is easy and fun I don't go to Him much. It's the challenges and the hardships that remind me of my need for His presence and help. I'm glad He is always there ready and waiting.

homestretch

The party went well. It was really nice. My coworkers served Bumble Bee Pie from a local diner; it's my favorite. They layed quilts on the floor and we ate picnic style. Their goal was to keep things low key. I appreciated this gesture a lot. People took turns saying nice things about me, but it didn't get too mushy or emotional. At the end they prayed for me and gave me a basket of cards from each of them. Surrounding the cards were two receiving blankets for the baby. (The first blankets I've gotten!) I have not read the notes yet. I'm waiting for a quiet time and place. They wished me well in my new job; I'm simply downstairs from them. I'm happy the party is behind me. Of course it wasn't anything to be anxious about, but that didn't stop me from fretting. I am worn out from a week of change, closure, and new things.

Happy Friday everyone!!

party nerves

This afternoon my old department is having a goodbye party for me. The company I work at is good at celebrating birthdays, babies, weddings, and goodbyes. The events usually involve lots of food, encouragement, and good things said about the person. I have been nervous about the party for two weeks. Usually I don't mind being the center of attention. For instance, my wedding day was super fun. Chad, on the other hand, hated having all those people looking at him. For some reason I'm apprehensive about this goodbye party. Hopefully my anxiety is unmerited. I will past again this afternoon to update on the outcome.

new office / sore bootie

I moved work areas yesterday. Instead of being in a secluded corner spot upstairs, I'm in a high traffic area downstairs. Also, I'm right by the exterior door everyone uses to enter and exit the building. My coworkers looked at me with sympathy when they heard where I was moving. The great thing is, I love the new area! There are a few reasons I'm not phased by the change. 1) Our whole department is moving to a new location soon, so this spot is temporary for me, and 2) I'm happy to FINALLY be doing my new job as a designer for Gift Products instead of Greeting Cards. The change is overdue and I'm elated to embrace it.

In order to move yesterday I had to lug outtles of magazines, books, trinkets, office junk, and personal item to my new spot. As I mentioned above, this move involved stairs. My bootie was already deathly sore from lunges in kickboxing on Monday. The 20+ trips up and down the stairs aggrivated the issue. I've been a maniac in kickboxing lately. I start thinking about Labor as we're doing round kick burns. I get energized. I kick harder and harder until the bag is almost falling over. I keep telling myself I'm preparing for a marathon. If I'm lucky maybe it'll end up being a sprint. Maybe...

back again

Well. I'm back again. I don't understand why I can't post regularly. Many things are happening in my life and I think about posting them everyday. Part of the reason is that I've been tired and sleepy lately. I am coming out of it though. I'm in my 11th week of pregnancy now. Two days ago the fog of sleepiness and ickiness lifted. I have newfound energy and I'm loving it.

I think we've decided on a boy's name. We both like Logan Hunter. (Hunter is a family name.) For a girl we're not quite decided. I like Melody. Chad likes Leah. Leah is nice enough, but I don't care for the circumstances surrounding her character in the bible. After all, who wants to be named after the girl who was second pick? I guess I've had enough days in my life of feeling like a wallflower; I want to spare my children of that as much as I can. Other girl names I like that Chad is not keen on are Lily & Rory.

We've started going to childbirth classes even though I'm still in my first trimester. The classes are The Bradley Method. It is a natural childbirth method. I'm apprehensive to tell people about this path we're on, for fear they will label me. Or saying something about medals. ("You won't get a medal for doing it without drugs.") I'm not sure why the idea of natural childbirth is appealing to me, but it is. I don't hesitate to take a tylenol if I have a headache, so the fact that I am contemplating doing labor without drugs is kind of odd, even to me. But there is something about it that appeals to me. We've found an instructor we're very comfortable with. She has 6 kids, her husband is a doctor, and she is really good at explaining things. I like the fact that she's not "anti-doctor" or "super-home-birth." We'll still use a regular doctor and have the baby in a hospital... I'm excited to learn about nutrition, exercise, breathing, and relaxation. It seems like stuff that will be useful for life; not merely pregnancy.

We're still in the process of buying land. The ball is in the seller's court right now. We're okay with that because we're saving money for a down payment anyway. After buying the land we'll start building a house as soon as possible. We've been looking at floor plans. I found one that is two story (about 1700 sq ft). It has two bedrooms downstairs and one upstairs as well as a loft. We may build something along these lines and only finish out the ground level for now. We could live in the two bedrooms and gradually finish the upstairs as we need the space. These decisions overwhelm me easily. Although it's a dream come true to own land, build a home, have a baby, etc.... it's a bit freaky to be experiencing it all in the same time frame.

I started my new job this week. I am officially in the Gifts Department. I am working on Christmas stickers right now. I love it! I love the new challenge and the new setup. My new work area isn't as nice -- no window -- but it's okay. I'll get a plant light bulb so my desk ivy doesn't suffer in the dark. If worst comes to worst I'll just take it home. The thought of a desk with no green life is sad though. I love my plants. They help counter the gray cubicle walls.

We got the new car a few weeks ago. I absolutely love it. I never thought I'd end up with such a "cool" car. For those of you who don't already know, it's a white Subaru Outback. We bought it from Chad's grandpa. The only lame thing about it is the tiny gas tank. It holds just 10 gallons which means I have to get gas every 4 or 5 days. Other than that it is perfect!

I hope to use my new 2nd trimester energy to post entries more often. Sorry for the lull... thanks for reading.

car stuff

My poor 1987 Honda Accord is finally showing it's age. In the 5 years that I've owned it, I have never had to put more than $250 into it at a time. Regular repairs like the timing belt and the radiator creeped up occasionally. The AC broke about two years ago. Other than that, the car has been a gem. Until this week. Now it tries to overheat at every intersection. The mechanic says it is some sort of an internal leak, meaning it could cost a pretty penny to fix. The neato thing is... we're getting a new car in 10 days! A few weeks ago Chad's grandpa announced he is ready to buy a new car. His plan was to trade in his current car. Instead he will sell it to us at the trade in value. We're getting a great deal. The car is a 1997 Subaru Outback. I've always liked station wagons; now I'll have one! It is white with black accents. I think it will make a great baby car, too. It is amazing how the timing worked out. In the meantime I will carpool and borrow vehicles.