the plan

Today was better. My mom was here again. This morning she watched the baby and I went to the gym. I did 35 minutes of cardio, some stretching, and light arm weights. It felt so good to get out of the house and focus on working hard. After that mom, Melody and I ate lunch today at a small local Italian cafe. We talked about the depression. She says she can see it in my eyes. In the course of the conversation Melody's birth was mentioned. The topic brought instant tears to my eyes. I haven't blogged about the labor/delivery yet. I'll save that for another day. For now I'll just say I feel traumatized by the experience.

After lunch mom and I parted and I spent time in Fayetteville. It is the neighboring city; about 20 minutes from our house. I love Fayetteville. It has hills, history, artistic buildings, local restaurants, interesting people, lots of trees, great coffee, and nice parks. I went to my favorite coffee shop, Arsagas. It was Melody's first time there. I held her on my lap while I drank a decaf, skim mocha and journaled about the past few days. It felt good to write.

I recalled spending time in the same coffee shop five years ago. I lived and worked in Fayetteville at that point. Most mornings I'd stop in for coffee. I was single at the time. I'd watch the other career people and observe their lives. Working moms would often come in with their preschoolers. The kids would be blurry eyes at the pre-eight-o'clock hour. The moms would say, "Do you want a scone or a muffin today?" The kids could never eat a fourth of the huge bakery items. They were probably wishing for Trix or Lucky Charms instead.

Chad and I have a plan. We decided we're both eating too much sugar these days. We decided we'll eat one serving of sugar (ie: dessert and cokes) for each two times we exercise. The past two days have been difficult as I was eating chocolate and other sweets every day before. I am hoping the plan will motivate me to exercise as well as help me loose weight. I am still 30+ pounds above my pre-pregnancy number. I also hope a smaller intake of sugar will result in feeling better emotionally and physcially.

In the meantime I will try to go to my favorite places in Fayetteville more often.


Rose said...

Good for you for making it to the gym! For me it is hard to be motivated to exercise but I sure benefit from it when I do it.

Shelley said...

You know I feel your pain Bek. It's all I can do not to shout 'TAKE THE MEDS YOU CRAZY GIRL!' The best thing you can do for Melody and Chad is to be happy and healthy. And mentally healthy counts. I remember how long it took me to give in to the meds, I think you and I have talked at length about it in our cozy work corner. But YOUR HEALTH is more important than anything at this point.

I know the breast-feeding concern--that's what kept me from taking the medicine I KNEW would work for me FOR NINE MONTHS after Sadie was born. I spent NINE months in a pit because I didn't want to give up breastfeeding. If I EVER do it again, I may go straight to formula (and I am a HUGE proponent of breast feeding--I loved it and always encourage it). It is not worth the depression. Sandy told me that the first week and I didn't listen. How I wish I had.

I remember something too about maybe Chad having a problem with anti-depressants? Can you please tell him that it doesn't change your personality like many people suppose? You will find yourself as if you had been lost for such a long time. If you truly need them, they will make you more YOU than you have ever been before.

Ok. enough of my soapbox. My baby is up from her nap so I must make myself available.

I love you dear, and I don't want to see you in pain..

bekah said...

Thanks Shelley. I appreciate your words. I'd love to get together sometime soon. It's been ages. We're considering the drugs.

Shelley said...


Please forgive me for bringing Chad into my comment about the meds. It was inappropriate to bring that up and I shouldn't be meddling where I don't belong.

Chad--I apologize to you too. This issue is between the two of you and not my business.

I'm sorry.