3/07/2005

home remedies

This morning was a struggle. I slept until 10:00am after a hard night with the baby including a 5:00am feeding. I do better when I'm able to start my day early. When I sleep late I struggle with sadness. Add a cloudy day to the equation and I was in tears by noon.

I watched more television coverage about Martha Stewart. She was speaking to her 600 employees in Manhattan. She talked about their creativity and talent. I was mesmerized even though the things she said weren't all that intersting. I scanned the group of employees sitting behind her. I looked at their hair, clothing, etc and wondered what their lives were like in NYC.

I'm trying to adjust to this staying-at-home-mom thing. I know it is what I want, but I'm scared and unsure. I tell myself that taking good care of a baby is one of the most productive things on earth. But I feel lost. I guess I'm afriad I won't be worth as much without a career. At the same time I'm incredibly grateful and elated for the opportunity to be home with Melody. Everytime she smiles at me I melt with awe and joy.

I pondered these things while sitting on the couch with wet hair from my shower an hour before. I decided maybe it would help if I "looked" better. I've made a point to take a shower everyday, but beyond that I don't do much unless I'm going somewhere. I fixed my hair (pigtails) and put on makeup. I pulled out some sparkly silver eyeliner and went kinda crazy. Then I made myself a homemade mocha. It was surprisingly close to the real-$4-thing. I read a few verses and asked God for purpose, understanding and help.

I feel quite a bit better. Thankfully Melody has slept in her swing for the past several hours, giving me opportunity to do all these things. Soon she'll wake up hungry. I'll feed her and try to remember that taking care of her is the most important thing I can be doing these days.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have read someplace that getting up and getting ready--shower, make-up, dressing in clothes you like--can really make a difference in your day and your outlook. And the mocha sounds like a great addition! I applaud you in your adjustment efforts and your attitude toward motherhood. Melody is truly a blessed little girl!

~penny

Rose said...

I am so glad you are back! I always checked your blog for updates and today I found them! Congratulations on the birth of Melody. We also had a baby girl in Dec. (on Christmas Eve) and she was almost 3 weeks early and weighed 7 lbs 8 ozs and was 20 inches long. It is neat to know somebody whose baby is so close in age to mine. It sounds like she smiles alot - that is the best when they smile at you and your heart just melts.

What a big decision to stay at home! You will do great! Just give yourself time to adjust to this!

By the way, I read a book about Martha Stewart and she didn't exactly sound like the most pleasant person to be around but her creativity and ideas are amazing. She is not one to give up.

The Blog Whore said...

I am a stay at home Mommy too. I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. I have been home for over a year now and it has been quite an adjustment You will hit your stride. Remember, we are the lucky ones!

Anna Warren said...

Hi Beka! I'm so glad you are writing on your blog again! I started reading it just before Melody made her grand appearance :) I guess I'm not quite in the loop yet, but I'm excited to be hearing your "voice" again! I am actually thinking of starting my own blog, in large part because of you and your "notebook".

Take care, and give Melody extra kisses for us.

bekah said...

Anna, you should start a blog! I would really enjoy reading it. Thanks for your support.

Thanks to Rose and Theresa too! I appreciate you all!