finding my place

Each day I wonder what I should write about. The morning slips by, then the afternoon, and before I know it I have given up trying to think of something interesting to say. Today I will write more freely. I will simply tell of what I'm dealing with. It may not be coherent or interesting, but I am determined to share it.

I'm trying to figure out where I belong in mom-land. Some days I venture to the mall. I see other moms with their strollered babies in the baby Gap, Gymboree and other baby stores. These moms are put together. They have highlights in their hair, cell phones in their pockets, and name brand clothes on their kids and themselves. In this environment I touch my wispy lopsided ponytail and sigh.

Other days I join moms at the local Le Leche League meetings and Attachment Parenting play groups. Some are the home-schooling type of poeple. Others are funky hippie types. Their kids run around with unmatching hand-me-down clothes and hair that has never seen a hair-dresser's chair. One three year old boy was wearing black boots embossed with flowers. I can only assume they once belonged to his older sister. When I go to these gatherings I feel sightly self-concious if Melody is wearing one of her sweet Gap outfits. I feel like she would fit in better if she had on a Goodwill outfit.

I feel more comfortable with the latter group of women because they seem less judgemental. They aren't freaking out about schedules or benchmarks of development. I also like it that they can teach me things about healthy living and economical tricks. For instance, I recently learned how to make my own baby wipes out of paper towels, baby oil, and baby wash. And yet when I'm with this group I also feel out of place.

I guess I forgot how difficult it is to make new friends. People who accept and receive. I keep thinking there have to be other moms out there who feel the same way I do. For this reason I stay friendly, open, and warm when interacting with my new acquaintances. I'm dying for a kindred spirit to say, "YES! I'd love to walk with you on a weekly basis." So far I'm still smiling, nodding, and hoping for progress, whether it comes from the mall world or the garden world. Either one would be fine with me.


Anonymous said...

i think most people aren't used to being open and free with themselves like i know you are. it seems like so many people i know are unable to have anything but surface relationships. keep being yourself, and they will see what all your friends do, what an incredible friend and person you are.

bekah said...

Sky, thanks for the sweet words. You make me feel special! I wish YOU could be my kindred spirit walking friend. Miss you.

Kelli said...

Bek, this is old - I know. But since I just discovered this place, it's new to me! ;) As Nathan and I ramp up to expanding our little family, I feel such a tug toward you. You've experienced things that are only in my future...but they are drifting closer and in that thin edge of presence, I SO relate to you. Your joy and frustrations, I want them! We would be great kindred spirits and walking buddies...a very BIG plus to moving back to AR! ;) Love ya!