10/19/2005

adjusting

I have differing reactions to being in the country at our new home. First, I have to say, I love the house. Although it isn't complete, I love it. The colors turned out great. The butter yellow kitchen is the best room of the house with stainless steel appliances, granite countertops, and can lighting. I like the galley layout and the attached breakfast area is small and cozy. It is the perfect size for our little family.

The living room is also great. The walls are a muted blue creating a restful and soothing atmosphere. (The name of the blue is actually, Atmosphere!) The simple vaulted ceiling leads one's eyes to the Mission Style fan at the peak of the room. Our furniture works in the new house much better than it did in the previous one. The orange and khaki slipcovers blend into the color scheme with ease.

Even though I love the house, I don't feel at home yet. We've moved multiple times and this is the first time I haven't been able to settle into the new surrounding with ease. I have not slept well yet, and during the day I wander around the house as if it isn't my own. I am happy in the mornings, but by early afternoon, I begin to feel closed in and isolated. We're located 15 minutes from tiny Siloam and 25 minutes from beloved Fayetteville. Chad and I went to college in Siloam. I worked there for 4 years before Melody was born. To return now feels like taking a step backward. I often read magazines like Real Simple and daydream about big city living. Being in the country reinforces the fact that I'm far away from this big city dream.

I thought I was doing well hiding my slight misgivings about the country until yesterday when Chad said, "I feel like you don't want to be out here with me." He has intentionally included me in the house-building process. He said multiple times, "The inside of the house is yours. You can do whatever you want." He's given me this freedom so I will be happy living on his 22 acre dreamland. I am trying, but it is a fight.

There are things I love, though. The area surrounding the house is beautiful. Trees are all around, creating scattered sunlight and shade. Leaves continually fall in the autumn breeze. Am I crazy for feeling strange in such a pefect setting? I hope this new place feels like home soon.

4 comments:

Laurel said...

No, I don't think you're crazy. I have these kind of thoughts all the time. Or maybe we're both crazy! :)

Growing up and living in Fayetteville my whole life has been great - but then what ever happened to the dream of living in a big city? (specifically a big city in California) But now with a 13 month old, when I think of life in a big city a lot of things scare me (like drugs, crime, gangs, etc.) - things I wouldn't have even considered before. Sometimes it's a drag to be a grown up!

And my husband already did the big city thing in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

And my family lives here and I'd miss them terribly.

and, and...

BUT... I still have the dream.

Who knows - maybe I will live in a big city when we retire!

When you feel conflicted, think of how much fun Melody will have in the big yard. Next fall she'll be an expert walker and she can have tons of piles of leaves to jump into. Hmmm, maybe I'll bring Benji this fall so he can make use of all those leaves THIS fall! :) Of course every kid is different but I can tell that Benji is an outdoors boy - he would spend all day outside if I let him.

Can't wait to see the house soon!

AfricaBleu said...

Ha! I exactly opposite - I live about 10 mins. outside of Siloam on the OTHER side and I often find myself thinking, "Should we move deeper into the country?"

I love the isolation of our 11 1/2 acres of woods. I love the skunks that waddle around our yard and freak my dogs out. I love the armadillo that snuffles under the trampoline when the kids are laying out there star-gazing. My sister loves coming out here - she says my house has good "feng shuei."

Give it time - it will feel like home soon.

thalia said...

laurel is too cute!! i believe too, that you will adjust fine. it is always hard for me to leave places where we have lived...even if they were not very nice. i am very sentimental and reminiscent (is that even a word), if you will. it was really hard to leave our house, mostly because both of our children were born to us in there. anyway...i dont think it matters where you are, i just hope that you are able to stay in touch with all of us!!
ps-i want to see your new house!

Rose said...

Your new house sounds wonderful! It may take some time before it feels like home to you. I think that is normal. Any life change we experience - whether positive or negative requires adjustment.