8/25/2008

stress & sadness

Yesterday someone asked, "Are you still running crazy?" They were referring to my latest post from three weeks ago. No, I'm not running crazy anymore. At least not like I was. The freelance project was one of the hardest things I've ever done. There are many challenging things about being a stay at home mom of little ones, but these do not compare with the stress of trying to design 14 high profile greeting cards in 8 days after not designing cards for three years. I was beside myself.

Chad's mom and sisters were able to help by taking the girls in Illinois for a week! With the house empty and quiet I felt like I could solve all of the world's problems. It was a stark contrast to the normal pace of our home. Too bad we weren't able to clean it up because it would have stayed that way for 6 days!

I worked at my computer for 18 hours a day, only getting up to eat, pee, and sleep. It was insane. The week of running crazy made me appreciate my life so much. I am grateful that my life is not super stressful all of the time. I thought of people like heart surgeons and world leaders and wondered how they do it day after day. I am thankful for the tasks of loading the dishwasher, changing the laundry, walking the quarter of a mile to the mailbox. Above all else I appreciate the luxury of staying home with my girls everyday.

All of that to say, being a stay at home mom is hard!!! Hahaha. I know, I know... I just went on and on about how awesome it is. But the truth is, I struggle with this role too. I strive for more structure, for a routine. I want to be one of those people who keeps the house clean by working on it little by little, everyday. I try to figure out why I'm not this way. Is it because of the way I was raised? (My mom, grandma, and great grandma all had/have unstructured, unorganized, uncleaned houses.) Is it due to my personality? Is it a spiritual stronghold of laziness?

Another struggle is sadness. During my freelance project I didn't have time to be depressed, but as soon as it was over and regular life returned, I was down and out again. On the worst days I end up eating Big Macs, twizzlers, cokes, etc when I'm not hungry. I eat something and the sugar or caffeine fuels me long enough to sorta function for 45 more minutes. Then I wander back to the kitchen or back to a drive thru for more fuel. By the time 6pm rolls around I'm frantic for Chad to relieve me of my day. He arrives and I barely survive until the girls are in bed.

I usually don't have two days like that in a row. I have fun times with Melody and Leah, but the bad days are too frequent. I'm seriously considering trying Wellbutrin again. It worked well the year before my pregnancy with Leah when I had postpartum depression. Before I make the final decision about the antidepressant I'm going to see a Christian counselor. I guess I just want to talk things out with a professional. It's been 5 years since I did any therapy. I've heard that age 35 is typically a good time for adults to hash out their childhood and family stuff in therapy. Maybe people are finally ready to see reality and get healthy at age 35. I'm 32, so perhaps that's starting for me.

6 comments:

nectarine_girl said...

Hey,

Sorry I haven't gotten back with you. Short story: I'm still sick and they don't know what it is. I'm seriously considering going to bed right now and it's 6pm.

I haven't done much with anyone lately, but hopefully we will both be up to something soon!

Hannah. said...

Sorry I didn't see this before I came over yesterday. I'd like talk more with you about this. I have the same feelings, complete with food & cokes! Hang in there!

nikki said...

Hey Bekah,

So funny you mention the 30's being a time of dealing with childhood issues. I have felt that creeping up and have been trying with all my might to keep pushing it back down. After all, I have a few months before I even hit 30!

I'm joking (kind of). But really, I've said it before but want to say it again: You are such a sincere person. I really admire and look up to that. It takes a lot of courage (I was going to say balls but wasn't sure if it would be offensive. I guess I said it anyway) to evaluate yourself; especially openly. Just stopping by your blog today was a breath of fresh air. I crave reality and you're so real.

Rose said...

I have also heard that the 30's (especially for women) is a hard time of processing things, etc. I guess that is why i hit the "wall" I did at 32 years old. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced - the mental stress of clinical depression and panic disorder. I will never be the same again. But, I have learned alot since then...

RoverHaus said...

Thanks for being transparent. I like that about you!

I'm now a subscriber to your blog. Hope you don't mind me dropping in now and then!

Chugi said...

I have had many of the same struggles you mention. I'd like to share a website with you that has been most helpful to me. FlyLady.net was started by a woman who struggled with keeping her home clean and uncluttered for years. She found a "system" that helped her and when she shared with a few of her friends,they all begged her to share it with the world! She now has around 500,000 people who have signed up with her website!! She also has help on there for taking care of our health and revising our eating habits in order to love ourselves, so we can better love our families. One warning about her website: there is A LOT of info there. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed! Just sign up for the Beginner's Babysteps and take it one baby step at a time. If you try to do it all at once, you WILL get overwhelmed and discouraged and most likely will quit before you allow it to help you. She also has links to another friend's website that helps parents teach their kids good habits using the "House Fairy". I wish they would have been around when my children were younger! I am 52 and my 3 children are grown and out on their own. I'm afraid I've passed on my "bad habits" to them and that makes me sad. I'm praying that as they see me get my home under control, they will ask how I did it and I can share FlyLady's principles with them. God Bless You as you seek ways to find help in your struggles!