So, we went on a cruise and then I never blogged again. No, the ship did not sink. We returned safely with some color on our skin and a couple extra pounds around our middles. The days turned into weeks, and then a month went by. Happenings piled up. It's been six weeks and there is much to recount for you.
First and foremost -- I'll just say it -- I'm pregnant! Gulp. Yup, we found out on a Sunday night about four weeks ago. I am now ten weeks along. I have weaned off my anti-depressant. So far, so good. Wellbutrin is an easy one to stop taking. I haven't noticed any side effects, except my appetite is larger. It's easy to fixate on food again, which I'm not happy about.
We were not planning this pregnancy. Of course, we didn't plan the one with Melody either. Yes, we know how it works. Deep inside I always figured I was one of those women who would have to work hard at getting pregnant. I assumed Melody was a miracle-fluke-kind-of-thing. I guess I can be referred to as one of the "fertile" ones. I never thought that would be part of my story.
I am still shocked that I'm pregnant again. I have feelings of joy, but the happiness is objective. I feel truly blessed that God is allowing me to become a mother again. I keep telling myself that this is my dream come true. But to be honest, it is an active exercise to feel the goodness of the phenomenon. The things I feel naturally are fear and anxiety. I dread labor. Multiple times a day my mind replays details of the pain of Melody's birth. I close my eyes and shake my head to clear the thoughts. I think about all the options. Homebirth, midwife, hospital, doctor, epidural, risk, health, money, trust, care. It is a windy path that makes me dizzy and brings me to tears. I am at a total loss.
I also fear the newborn stage. I barely survived Melody's first four months and I had optimal circumstances. I had the help of two grandmas, a supportive husband, and a relatively easy newborn baby. (Althought that's the same as saying an "easy labor.") I dread another bought of lonely awake nights. And I have no earthly idea how I'll do it with TWO kids. So many people have their babies two years apart. (Or closer.) Mine will be 23 months apart and I'm falling apart at the thought of it all.
I tell my fears to Chad. He listens and tries to understand, but doesn't know how to make me feel different. I'm beginning to think I need to seek wisdom and words from moms who've been through this maze before me. I'll keep you posted on my progress in figuring out a way to fully embrace this lime-sized baby, which I can already feel fluttering deep inside of me. I want with all my heart to float on cloud nine the way I did in Melody's pregnancy. But I feel too experienced for that kind of glee. As I struggle to find a way, please pray for us. Thank you.