a new baby

So, we went on a cruise and then I never blogged again. No, the ship did not sink. We returned safely with some color on our skin and a couple extra pounds around our middles. The days turned into weeks, and then a month went by. Happenings piled up. It's been six weeks and there is much to recount for you.

First and foremost -- I'll just say it -- I'm pregnant! Gulp. Yup, we found out on a Sunday night about four weeks ago. I am now ten weeks along. I have weaned off my anti-depressant. So far, so good. Wellbutrin is an easy one to stop taking. I haven't noticed any side effects, except my appetite is larger. It's easy to fixate on food again, which I'm not happy about.

We were not planning this pregnancy. Of course, we didn't plan the one with Melody either. Yes, we know how it works. Deep inside I always figured I was one of those women who would have to work hard at getting pregnant. I assumed Melody was a miracle-fluke-kind-of-thing. I guess I can be referred to as one of the "fertile" ones. I never thought that would be part of my story.

I am still shocked that I'm pregnant again. I have feelings of joy, but the happiness is objective. I feel truly blessed that God is allowing me to become a mother again. I keep telling myself that this is my dream come true. But to be honest, it is an active exercise to feel the goodness of the phenomenon. The things I feel naturally are fear and anxiety. I dread labor. Multiple times a day my mind replays details of the pain of Melody's birth. I close my eyes and shake my head to clear the thoughts. I think about all the options. Homebirth, midwife, hospital, doctor, epidural, risk, health, money, trust, care. It is a windy path that makes me dizzy and brings me to tears. I am at a total loss.

I also fear the newborn stage. I barely survived Melody's first four months and I had optimal circumstances. I had the help of two grandmas, a supportive husband, and a relatively easy newborn baby. (Althought that's the same as saying an "easy labor.") I dread another bought of lonely awake nights. And I have no earthly idea how I'll do it with TWO kids. So many people have their babies two years apart. (Or closer.) Mine will be 23 months apart and I'm falling apart at the thought of it all.

I tell my fears to Chad. He listens and tries to understand, but doesn't know how to make me feel different. I'm beginning to think I need to seek wisdom and words from moms who've been through this maze before me. I'll keep you posted on my progress in figuring out a way to fully embrace this lime-sized baby, which I can already feel fluttering deep inside of me. I want with all my heart to float on cloud nine the way I did in Melody's pregnancy. But I feel too experienced for that kind of glee. As I struggle to find a way, please pray for us. Thank you.


dominique said...

Yay!! I'm really excited for all three of you. You really don't give yourself enough credit; you are a strong woman. I hope you really know that.

It's nice to read your words again. I'm praying for you dealing with these anxious thoughts. (a co-worker of mine is having a baby tonight actually and the thought of it make me incredibly anxious! I guess that's not much for encouragement but, I don't have children and so am totally not qualified in this department)

A cruise sounds wonderful...

Laurel said...

Glad that you're back to blogging.

Hey, since I'm in the same boat - whenever you get any tidbits of wisdom from other moms of more than one (or other sources) - pass them on, I'm in desperate desire for them too!!

ang said...

CONGRATULATIONS! Like Nikki, I'm no expert, but I do know that you are a great mom. And you do have a fantastic network of people to help you out there. I've watched my cousin with her second, who is just 4 months now, and her 2 1/2 year old. And the women at work. It isn't easy, but the rewards seem to be overwhelming -- their children are the joy of their lives. I hope to have it someday!!

I'm praying for your anxiety, fears, and that you once again have a quiet, happy baby to make it all the more beautiful!

I'm going to be in Tulsa/Silaom the weekend of June 23-27. I'd love it if we could have a BBQ or dinner or something.

Rose said...

My sister who has 2 kids 18 months apart says nothing can be like the glory of your first pregnancy. She says the 2nd one is just different even though she was happy to be having another baby. But, you will make it, Bekah! Glad you are able to express your thoughts and feelings openly.

Kelli said...

Wow, Bek! How incredible! Congratulations! I have to admit that I'm jealous...we are sooo close to the time that we agreed to start "trying" for a baby. Our friends in Chicago had a baby just a little over a week ago. They post a blog and picture almost everyday (http://www.boydsnest.org/news/) and it just makes my heart jump for joy and wrench at the same time. It's just time for us (so I/we feel - we'll see what God says). God knows what he's doing - giving you another life to take care of. I imagine having children is like being married - the hardest thing you'll ever do in life...but one of the absolute most fulfilling and worthwhile ways of living your life. But, like Domonique, I don't have children so I'm "not qualified" to give real-world advice. But I believe you can do it - wonderfully, in fact!

anna said...

Bekah, I just wanted to encourage you today. While it's overwhelming to have two close together you really will be so blessed. Just remember, now that you've been through it once it won't be quite as scary the first time and even though your first labor was a terrible experience for you, you'll be able to use so much of that experience to help you through this next one. Make sure you use that network of friends and family to help you through.
You are a strong mother and have so much to offer as a mother, which I'm sure is why God has granted you this gift so soon. See it as a reward for being such a good mommy to your little girl.

AfricaBleu said...

Goodness, it's been a while since I've been a'blogging -- preggers? Congrats. I know it's not what you planned, but I can say, the second one is really not so hard as the first -- you kind of already know what to expect (no sleep, diapers, etc.) so at least you're not in shell-shock all the time.

What cruise did you go, again? I will avoid it like the plague... :)

mom tu-tu said...

I have two children that are 26 months apart and neither of them were planned pregnancies. When I got pregnant with my second baby I was very scared. Like you, I remembered the sleepless nights and wondered how I would survive those with a toddler to take care of as well. Thankfully I was blessed the second time around with a good sleeper, and my daughter was a little helper for me. Things work themselves out! My children are now 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 and one of the greatest blessings is seeing them play together. You'll get through the challenging times and come out with so many blessings!