more sadness

I am depressed again. I am still taking my anti-depressant but the past two weeks have been a blur. I do not have an explaination.

I know I'm depressed because I'm apathetic about things that usually matter. I don't care if I quit breastfeeding. The kitchen floor is sticky; I don't mop. I call people to chat thinking it might help. I stare into space instead of making conversation and end up feeling worse. Melody's mild fussiness gets on my nerves. I don't want to go swimming.

I think the sadness began in mid-July when a tragedy occured. One morning at 6:30 I got a call from one of my mom-friends. I immediately knew something was wrong. She told me our midwife's daughter, a five year old, had died the night before. The cause of death: a rare, unexplained reaction to a spider bite.

Our midwife is an amazing woman. She is a strong force of goodwill, kindness, and caregiving in our community. She's a best friend to all her patients. After the last postpartum appointment we're known to go through withdraw because we miss her so much. The news of her daughter's sudden death shocked us all. We immediately began cooking spaghetti, buying flowers, writing cards, praying, etc. Of course none of these things felt like enough. The mother's grief swallowed us because we love her so much.

Since then, I've felt lost and sad.


jocey520 said...

I am still taking my antidepressants yet am depressed again also. I don't know how to stop it. The other night Felicity's not eating dinner was driving me to the breaking point. It is everything money, money, and people. Sometimes I want to just blow all of my friends off, for the simple fact I just want to be alone...unhealty yet the way I really feel these days. Ho hum. I hope things get better for you...and I as well.

cjoy said...

Hello sweet friend. Know I love you and am praying for you.

Grief is not a censored emotion. It drives us and can definitely mess with depression. Good for you in recognizing it. I wonder if a different anti-depressant would be more helpful. I will continue praying for your midwife as well.

Rememberm you are NOT alone, friend. Even in the lowest of your blues when it feels you are.

sheryll said...

When I started my anti-depressant I was on a high for about a month. It was so amazing to feel good after feeling bad for so long. Then I became "normal". Meaning, normal highs and lows but without the bleakness and hopelessness of depression. I believe that's what the meds are for...they are supposed to normalize your emotions, not to make you sing joyous songs every second of every day. So, in the face of tragedy it is normal to be sad, normal to see things from a different perspective. I mean, who cares if the kitchen floor is mopped when a friend has lost a child? It's normal to feel these things, so don't give up on your meds. Make sure that every day you spend at least a few moments being in the moment with your little girl...

I, who didn't know your midwife, also think of her often.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you are going through so much lately. Don't get discouraged. I have definitely had my times of depression. Just try to remember that depression isn't wrong. It's how you deal with it that matters. Ultimately, God has to be the one to make us better. Psalm 18:28 "You O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." Many prayers are for you tonight Bekah.


Ellen said...

I still think that you shouldn't rule out cycling again-- this might be a severe case of PMS.

Shelley said...

Shocking and sad about the little girl! Brown Recluse? (You know I'm asking so I can worry more about things I can't control...)

I'm sorry you're sad, sad, sad. I've felt a depression lately that I literally wanted to throw up the huge ball of pain it felt so bad. And I'm on some antidepressants too. Here's my question--when did you stop breastfeeding? I've read quitting causes a stir of hormones again (those pesky buggers) and it takes a while to get back to normal again. I've heard of people getting depressed right after quitting. Just a thought.

I know how it feels to be in the pit. I hope some light breaks through for you soon.