little melody & a big decision

Melody is four months now. I can't believe how quickly she is growing. She is small for her age -- in the 10th percentile. She's not the baby imagined myself having. All the babes in my family are bald, fair, and big. She has dark hair and golden skin like her daddy. And she's little. She weighs around 11 pounds. All the babies we hang out with are big and chunky. She is dainty and lean. For awhile I was concerned about her size. I began waking her up in the middle of the night to feed her. This resulted in a tired mommy and a cranky baby. I realized that she is doing great despite her small size. She is alert, content, smiley, and happy 85% of the time. She eats often during the day. I know she's getting hindmilk because she often eats for 45 minutes to a hour on one side. Chad's side of the family has smaller people so I guess she's taking after her daddy in more ways than one.

Even though she's not the baby I imagined, she is perfect. She and I get more attached everyday. She recognizes my voice and often calms down at the sound of my words. She smiles brightly when she finds me in a room full of people. I love dressing her, changing her, bathing her, feeding her, talking to her and dancing around the house with her in my arms.

Despite all these wonderful moments, I'm still struggling with depression. I still cry on a regular basis for no reason. The tears just fall and fall and fall. I feel down even when the weather is sunny and clear. I wander around the house unsure of what to do with myself. I try to muster motivation to plant flowers, bake pumpkin bread, and finish decorating the baby's room. These things remain undone. I watch Dawson's Creek reruns instead, even though every single charater on the show thoroughly annoys me. Spending time with people helps a little. It serves as a distraction from the way I feel. A recent bout with mastitis brought the realization that with physical pain came relief from the mental and emotional pain. I almost welcomed the fever, chills, and achiness because it gave me a break from feeling sad.

I finally gave up trying the natural supplements, teas, and progesterone cream. It's been four months. They weren't working. I went to the doctor. He was wonderful. He said, "It is very common for women who stop working full time to stay home to be depressed. It's a huge change. Also, are you dealing with any trauma related to your birth experience?" Ding! Ding! Ding! I guess I'm not crazy after all. Each time someone tells me that what I'm dealing with is normal I feel so much better.

I started taking the anti-depressant Wellbutrin two days ago. The generic perscription was $92 for a one months supply. I was shocked at the price. I've never taken a drug on a regular basis -- not even the pill. I'm trying to be postive about this decision. My mom told me to try to think of Wellbutrin as "my friend." That made me laugh, but maybe she's right. If I cringe everytime I think of it, it probably won't work as well. Deep down I know I've made the right decision. I do not want to remember Melody's first year as a cloudy depressing time.


Sarah said...

Hi Bekah, I'm so glad you are doing something to allievate your depression! Wellbutrin IS your friend. I've heard good things about that drug. Drugs are good. Love ya and miss that Melody!!! Love her up, she'll be gone before you know it.

cjoy said...

I'm proud of you, dear! You did do the right thing about the meds. I cannot wait to meet your dainty little girl and for you to meet my 'big' little girl...what a riot, and who'd have thunk it??? Love you!

Matt Martin said...

Hey Bek - just wanted to let you know that Sarah and I are very inspired by the parents that you and Chad are. You guys are awesome and have given us peace of mind that when its our turn to have a kid, it will all work out.

I know Melody will appreciate the sacrifices you have made for her! It's always special when a mother decides to stay at home. I know I am glad that my mom did.

Hang in there! We'll be praying and thinking of you guys.

Shelley said...

What you did took courage and spunk. (And a teeny bit of desperation...) You have to be a brave and strong person to ask for and accept help. That's what you are Bek, even if you feel at your weakest. It's the weak people who live desprately--hoping the pain will go away, and never do anything about it.

My heart is with you as I remember most of Sadie's first months as dark and bleak, even as you said when it was sunny out. I'm just so glad that Melody is happy and sleeping through the night. God knows what kind of babes we need. Sadie was a dream kid too. He knew. And He knows about this med situation too. As Anne Lamott says: More will be revealed.

Ellen said...

Well, you know how I feel about Wellbutrin. It is the nectar of the gods. Ahhhh....


Anna Warren said...

Hey, Bekah! I just wanted to voice my support of you and your decision. I can understand how it was a hard one.

If you want to try another "mom blog" site, dooce.com is one that I like. It's actually a kind of famous blog, I guess.

It's very funny, very honest and real (some would say too transparent, so beware), and the author also struggled with depression (and is now on meds) after having her child, who is now just over 1 year old now.

It makes me laugh a lot, and the author's candidness is refreshing; so many of us try (and are practically expected) to gloss over or ignore our problems.

You rock!

Anna Warren said...

Hi again!
After recommending dooce.com, I visited it myself, and after seeing the latest posts, thought I'd come back and issue a second warning. I still think it's a neat website, but it has been a bit more flagrant in the "potty talk" lately. Just wanted to let you (and anyone else reading this comment) have a "heads up". :u)

bekah said...

Thanks to all of you for the support and care. It means a lot. Anna, I've read dooce.com before. I guess she is famous!