down

I've been down lately. I've gone on two great business trips in the past 4 weeks. One to Vancouver and one to Dallas. They throw me into a tail spin. When I'm at home I focus on working toward being debt free. I enjoy home, cooking, and being domestic. These trips make a different part of me come alive. I love the world of design -- researching, shopping, talking. I love the cities. They wake up dorment dreams of living in a skyrise, walking everywhere, eating sushi, working at a prestigous design firm. Then I come back to Arkansas. Being married to Chad has changed my life path. I love being his wife, but the past dreams haunt me sometimes. I miss them.

Also, Chad and I are in a low spell right now. It happens from time to time. We don't have much to talk about. I wonder if he is sad on the inside and doesn't realize it. (His parents are in the midst of a divorce.) Life flies by and we keep surviving. We don't fight, but we don't really love either. It makes me sad. But I know it will pass. It always does. Sometimes I worry, "What if this dry spell lasts for a YEAR?"

The other thing is my constant struggle with wanting a baby. I see other women with their pregnant bellies and my heart flips over. I do not understand this longing. It is as strong as a tidal wave. It makes me ask questions like, "If I don't have a baby soon, will it be too late?" It is the only issue that Chad and I are not like-minded about. I've come to terms with it multiple times, surrendering it over and over, and finding peace again and again. I am sad because Chad isn't able to listen to my feelings on the issue without getting stressed out. He thinks he needs to fix the problem, but I only want him to listen.

There are many reasons to be thankful but I am still sad.