homestretch

The party went well. It was really nice. My coworkers served Bumble Bee Pie from a local diner; it's my favorite. They layed quilts on the floor and we ate picnic style. Their goal was to keep things low key. I appreciated this gesture a lot. People took turns saying nice things about me, but it didn't get too mushy or emotional. At the end they prayed for me and gave me a basket of cards from each of them. Surrounding the cards were two receiving blankets for the baby. (The first blankets I've gotten!) I have not read the notes yet. I'm waiting for a quiet time and place. They wished me well in my new job; I'm simply downstairs from them. I'm happy the party is behind me. Of course it wasn't anything to be anxious about, but that didn't stop me from fretting. I am worn out from a week of change, closure, and new things.

Happy Friday everyone!!

party nerves

This afternoon my old department is having a goodbye party for me. The company I work at is good at celebrating birthdays, babies, weddings, and goodbyes. The events usually involve lots of food, encouragement, and good things said about the person. I have been nervous about the party for two weeks. Usually I don't mind being the center of attention. For instance, my wedding day was super fun. Chad, on the other hand, hated having all those people looking at him. For some reason I'm apprehensive about this goodbye party. Hopefully my anxiety is unmerited. I will past again this afternoon to update on the outcome.

new office / sore bootie

I moved work areas yesterday. Instead of being in a secluded corner spot upstairs, I'm in a high traffic area downstairs. Also, I'm right by the exterior door everyone uses to enter and exit the building. My coworkers looked at me with sympathy when they heard where I was moving. The great thing is, I love the new area! There are a few reasons I'm not phased by the change. 1) Our whole department is moving to a new location soon, so this spot is temporary for me, and 2) I'm happy to FINALLY be doing my new job as a designer for Gift Products instead of Greeting Cards. The change is overdue and I'm elated to embrace it.

In order to move yesterday I had to lug outtles of magazines, books, trinkets, office junk, and personal item to my new spot. As I mentioned above, this move involved stairs. My bootie was already deathly sore from lunges in kickboxing on Monday. The 20+ trips up and down the stairs aggrivated the issue. I've been a maniac in kickboxing lately. I start thinking about Labor as we're doing round kick burns. I get energized. I kick harder and harder until the bag is almost falling over. I keep telling myself I'm preparing for a marathon. If I'm lucky maybe it'll end up being a sprint. Maybe...

back again

Well. I'm back again. I don't understand why I can't post regularly. Many things are happening in my life and I think about posting them everyday. Part of the reason is that I've been tired and sleepy lately. I am coming out of it though. I'm in my 11th week of pregnancy now. Two days ago the fog of sleepiness and ickiness lifted. I have newfound energy and I'm loving it.

I think we've decided on a boy's name. We both like Logan Hunter. (Hunter is a family name.) For a girl we're not quite decided. I like Melody. Chad likes Leah. Leah is nice enough, but I don't care for the circumstances surrounding her character in the bible. After all, who wants to be named after the girl who was second pick? I guess I've had enough days in my life of feeling like a wallflower; I want to spare my children of that as much as I can. Other girl names I like that Chad is not keen on are Lily & Rory.

We've started going to childbirth classes even though I'm still in my first trimester. The classes are The Bradley Method. It is a natural childbirth method. I'm apprehensive to tell people about this path we're on, for fear they will label me. Or saying something about medals. ("You won't get a medal for doing it without drugs.") I'm not sure why the idea of natural childbirth is appealing to me, but it is. I don't hesitate to take a tylenol if I have a headache, so the fact that I am contemplating doing labor without drugs is kind of odd, even to me. But there is something about it that appeals to me. We've found an instructor we're very comfortable with. She has 6 kids, her husband is a doctor, and she is really good at explaining things. I like the fact that she's not "anti-doctor" or "super-home-birth." We'll still use a regular doctor and have the baby in a hospital... I'm excited to learn about nutrition, exercise, breathing, and relaxation. It seems like stuff that will be useful for life; not merely pregnancy.

We're still in the process of buying land. The ball is in the seller's court right now. We're okay with that because we're saving money for a down payment anyway. After buying the land we'll start building a house as soon as possible. We've been looking at floor plans. I found one that is two story (about 1700 sq ft). It has two bedrooms downstairs and one upstairs as well as a loft. We may build something along these lines and only finish out the ground level for now. We could live in the two bedrooms and gradually finish the upstairs as we need the space. These decisions overwhelm me easily. Although it's a dream come true to own land, build a home, have a baby, etc.... it's a bit freaky to be experiencing it all in the same time frame.

I started my new job this week. I am officially in the Gifts Department. I am working on Christmas stickers right now. I love it! I love the new challenge and the new setup. My new work area isn't as nice -- no window -- but it's okay. I'll get a plant light bulb so my desk ivy doesn't suffer in the dark. If worst comes to worst I'll just take it home. The thought of a desk with no green life is sad though. I love my plants. They help counter the gray cubicle walls.

We got the new car a few weeks ago. I absolutely love it. I never thought I'd end up with such a "cool" car. For those of you who don't already know, it's a white Subaru Outback. We bought it from Chad's grandpa. The only lame thing about it is the tiny gas tank. It holds just 10 gallons which means I have to get gas every 4 or 5 days. Other than that it is perfect!

I hope to use my new 2nd trimester energy to post entries more often. Sorry for the lull... thanks for reading.

car stuff

My poor 1987 Honda Accord is finally showing it's age. In the 5 years that I've owned it, I have never had to put more than $250 into it at a time. Regular repairs like the timing belt and the radiator creeped up occasionally. The AC broke about two years ago. Other than that, the car has been a gem. Until this week. Now it tries to overheat at every intersection. The mechanic says it is some sort of an internal leak, meaning it could cost a pretty penny to fix. The neato thing is... we're getting a new car in 10 days! A few weeks ago Chad's grandpa announced he is ready to buy a new car. His plan was to trade in his current car. Instead he will sell it to us at the trade in value. We're getting a great deal. The car is a 1997 Subaru Outback. I've always liked station wagons; now I'll have one! It is white with black accents. I think it will make a great baby car, too. It is amazing how the timing worked out. In the meantime I will carpool and borrow vehicles.

a new look

Thanks to Brian, I have a new design for my blog. (Thanks Brian!) Blogger has many nice options for templates now! I'm impressed. It makes me want to learn html. It's one of those things that I have wanted to learn for a long time. The learning curve is intimidating so I keep putting it off. Someday. Maybe?

I am seven weeks pregnant now. The baby is the size of a raspberry. It's eyelids are forming. I feel pretty good. Reading makes me dizzy. I am more prone to motion sickness. My appetite is huge and looming. It never quite leaves me. Food tastes exceptionally good. I am tired all the time. By the end of the day it feels like I've pulled an all nighter. The other day I realized I haven't been this tired since college when I was sleep deprived on a regular basis. I'm sure all the moms out there are thinking, "Just wait. You think you're tired now. Just wait."

I'm getting good at waiting.

feeling fine

Despite paying close attention to my body, I feel pretty much the same as I did before I was pregnant. There are a few exceptions. I get tired easily. I get hungry faster. My emotions are a roller coaster. One day I am on cloud nine, smiling nonstop for the joy inside. The next day I am overwhelmed and questioning every decision I've made in the past 2 months. Now that I'm catching on to this trend the freak out days are less scary. I tell myself to hold on. Tomorrow will be better. And it is.

I am six weeks & two days along. Right now the baby is the size of a lentil. It's little heart beats over 100 times a minute. It's paddle-like hands and feet will start moving arond this week.

I never thought I'd be one of those women who got pregnant on accident. My mom had many of problems getting pregnant. For some reason I thought I'd follow that trend. I'm still in disbelief that this is happening. When I talk to friends about baby names, nursery ideas, and boy/girl preferences I feel like I'm talking about someone else. I wonder when it will fully sink in?

long pauses

When I don't blog for awhile it is because there are big things happening in my life that I am not sure how to communicate in a post. Well, here goes....

I'm pregnant!!

I found out about two weeks ago. I've been on cloud nine every since. I have taken home pregnany test many times before. They always turned out negative resulting in a depressing few hours of self pity. Until last Monday night. I realized I'd been feeling weird and began to wonder if it could be. By the time I got home from work it was all I could do but run to the bathroom to test. I was home alone and when both pink lines appeared I lost my breath. I fumbled to open the directions of the test to make sure two lines meant what I thought it did. Positive! I let out a joyful bubbly laugh as my brain spun with disbelief. Could it be???? Chad came home a few minutes later and I told him the news.

"Really?!"

I nodded and he gave me a huge hug. The next 20 minutes we exclaimed and smiled and exchanged many "I love you's." Then we went to our favorite Italian place for dinner. As we ate I smiled each time I remembered why we were celebrating. Baby. Pregnant. Girl. Boy. Nursery. Stroller. Baby. Smile. Big smile.

We were planning on waiting two more years before we had a baby. God had other things in mind. I'm so glad!!! It's easier this way. Now we don't have to say, "Okay. We're ready. Let's start a family." I like the way God made the decision for us.

I am only 5.5 weeks along. The baby is the size of a sesame seed!!! It's heart is already beating. I can't believe I am in so love with something as tiny as a seed. Right now we have a due date of January 6th.

I'm so happy!!!!!

cat sadness

My cat, Zoie, died this morning. She loved being outside on sunny days. For some reason she jumped into the neighbor's back yard this morning. Their dog killed her. I am so sad. I loved her. She was a spunky, lovable, small, sweet, frisky, cuddly, chirpy, skinny cat. She had a tweaked tail and a saggy tummy even though she was young. She was especially affectionate in the mornings. Sometimes we'd let her sleep with us and she would purr all night long. Chad will bury her in the backyard. I will miss her; especially when I am sad. She always knew when to curl up beside me. She kept me warm when I was cold and made me smile through my tears. Today is a beautiful day. I am glad her last day was a pretty one.

long weekend & decisions

My three day weekend was absolutely wonderful. I ended up being super productive. I tackled projects that have been on my mind for months. I organized the kicthen! We moved into our house almost two years ago. On move-in day my superwoman mom-in-law unpacked the kicthen. I told her to put things anywhere. "I'll organize it later." I thought to myself. Yeah right. Twenty-two months later things were still in disarray. Batteries next to potato chips. (Probaby cancer-causing.) Holiday candles above the the fridge. You get the picture. I hung mugs under the cabinets in order to free up space. I also put everyday vitamins in a drawer instead of on the countertop. I enjoyed working while it rained outside. After the kicthen, I tackled the laundry room. I put unnecessary items in the garage and rearranged the cabinets. The room looks so good now that I actually want to do laundry!

It was wonderful to be home three days in a row. It was also great to return to work on Monday. The three days of semi solitude was the perfect break. I bounced into work Monday morning ready to see my friends and design cards. Monday went by like a charm. Tuesday came with some big news; I got a job offer! The gifts department wants to hire me as a concept designer. It was would a promotion. Instead of cards I would design journals, albums, candles, mugs, gift bags, etc. I am excited and jittery about the prospects but undecided about what to do. The new job would involve more travel, more money, and more variety as well as more responsibility and stress. I've been designing greeting cards for three years. I'm content and comfortable. The idea of a new challenge is both appealing and scary. Tough decision!

I will keep you posted.
In the meantime, what does everyone think I should do?

three day weekend ahead

Tomorrow is Good Friday. I will be home! I am super excited about a day off. Things I want to do are:

plant flowers
sit in the sun
declutter
read
prepare for a yard sale
nap
make funky curtains
clean the porches
cook
go to the library
go for a walk
feed the ducks
exercise

You can see there are lots of things I'd like to do. Most of them fall into one of three catagories: 1 - Relaxing. 2 - Accomplishing projects. 3 - Having fun. Hmm... what will it be? I'll let you know on Monday!!

rainy day

It is grey, wet, dim & still outside today. The birds are loud, chirping nonstop, asking the sun to come back. Tires make constant noise on the wet roads. I like being at work on days like this. Of course, being curled up on the couch in pj pants with the cat and a book would be better... but I am content. I like my desk window view on rainy days. Nothing is beckoning me to come outside. The empty fields and the pine trees are extra green on days like this. Also, the glare from my computer monitor isn't as strong as usual.

Last weekend I hosted a baby shower for two pregnant friends. They are both due in May. One is having a girl; the other a boy. I enjoyed preparing for the shower. I made cupcakes and frosted them pale pink and baby blue. Then I arranged them in a big square in the center of the table; in a checker-board pattern. Surrounding them was usual shower food. Spinach dip (Thanks to Ellen. It was my favorite!), crescent roll puffs, fancy crackers, fruit... you get the picture. Ellen and I bustled around while the girls opened their piles of gifts. Tissue paper mountains and ribbon tangles filled the room as choruses of "ohhhs!" and "ahhhs!" repeatedly sounded. Since most of the attendees work as artists, writers and designers, the wrapping jobs were fabulous. Pokka dots, stripes, patterns and storybook illustrations all in the best baby color palettes imaginable. Target has hit a "bulls eye" when it comes to The American Baby Consumer.

After the gathering the house felt empty. (Chad was long gone. The idea of 15+ women in the living room was enough to get him out of the house before 9:00 on Saturday. Poor man.) I sat down to rest and think. I soaked up the quiet and breathed deep. It felt good. I am happy these days. It feels so good to not be depressed. I know it will probably hit again sooner than later, but in the meantime I'm enjoying the simplicity of feeling stable and content.

yellow belter

Last night was our third karate belt test. The first two tests were for stripes to put on our white beginner belts. Last night we graduated to a yellow belt. Finally, a color! Next is orange, then blue, green, purple, brown, and of course black. It takes most people at least three years to get a black belt. Chad feels positive we will get that far. Ha! Not me. But we will see. I am enjoying it more. It is excited to work hard and acheive something. I feel like a kid again. Everyone watched me do my kada last night and then critiqued it. It was fun. I've always thrived on being critiqued. I loved my design classes in college for this reason. Some would dread it and cry in class. Not me. I am tough in that sense. Bring it on!

butter & tears

This morning my brain is full of vivid memories from childhood. I was a sensitive little girl. Too sensitive. I was also an only child until age 11. I was lonely and bored a lot of the time.

When I was about 7 we lived with some family friends for three months. The family had four girls, all of whom I loved. Two were older than me, two were younger. Although we got along well, I felt like the odd-ball with them. Their father was sweet and tender with them, but rather cold and abrasive with me. One evening we were all at the dinner table. I had been chastised in the past for taking too long with the butter. The dad said something like, "Rebekah, you're such an artist. Just take a glob and pass the butter." He said it loudly. I was embarrassed. Tears sprang to my eyes. I looked down, hoping to avoid crying. Instead gravity pulled the tears out of the eyes. I fought for composure and lost. Gross snot accompanied the tears. Everyone at the table was watching me. My embarrassment grew. I think I remember the dad rolling his eyes. (That could be my imagination. Either way, his attitude toward me was one of annoyance.)

I don't remember what happened after that. I wonder what my own parents were thinking. Were they annoyed with me? Sad for me? Sympathetic? I cannot remember their response. I wish they had stood up for me.

An interesting twist to this story is that I chose my career based on inspiration from the man who made me cry over butter. He was a commercial artist. He made signs. I watched with wonder and fascination as he painted bold, perfectly straight letters in the garage.

In fourth grade I declared, "I'm going to be a Commercial Artist like L." And here I am a graphic designer.

lunch

I had a good lunch with Shelley and Ellen today. Ellen and I got small McDonalds meals on the way to Shelley's house. Sadie was down for a nap the whole time we ate and chatted. Shelley's home felt crisp and comfy today. I was relaxed. We recounted the months following Sadie's arrival and how hard it was for Shelley. It seems she is "Finding Normal" after all this time.

My new Designer III position is kicking in. I've been given more assignments and responsibility lately. It's going pretty well, but I feel tired out. It's good though. I feel like I have purpose and recognition now. I'm happy about that. I found out today there are new decisions to make on the horizen regarding work. I could end up doing something entirely different soon. It is a scary, exciting, unsettling possibility. Just when I am finally happy with my job... things might change again. Maybe it'll be even better.

Sorry for all the sketchiness. I will elaborate more later.

karate

Chad and I have been going to karate classes for several months. It is something he has wanted to do since he was five. I, on the other hand, have never enjoyed Kung Fu movies. I always laugh when Patrick Swayze or Tom Cruise are pictured in a field under a tree moving their muscled arms through the air with an intense expression on their face as they practice their martial art moves.

We decided to do karate/kickboxing together. I've enjoyed the kickboxing very much. I feel better and am starting to look better, too. The karate is a struggle though. I have this problem with left & right. I've always struggled when giving people directions. I pause and think to myself, "Do they turn left or right?" The harder I think about it, the more clueless I am. I use my wedding ring for left reference daily. One time when I was in 6th grade my dad and I went for a bike ride together. We were flying down a large hill and he was behind me. He yelled, "Passing on the right!!" and promptly crashed into me as I swirved the wrong direction in order to get out of his way. We tumbled down the asphalt road scraping up our elbows, knees, and hips. He must have been angry, but he did yell or anything. He was a good dad like that.

Back to karate; Mr. Sensei/Teacher Man is very patient and kind, but I can tell it grates on him when I repeated use the wrong hand or leg for a move. It is embarrassing. I've always been a tall, lanky, uncoordinated, non-athletic, embarrassed sort of sport. It takes intense mental concentration to learn the foreign motions and ideas. I am not very good at it.

At the same time I enjoy the things I've learned. The 10 basic breaks, sparring, and stick fighting are fun now that I have the hang of it. I am divided about whether to stick with it. Part of me wants to quit and take up a artsy painting or pottery class instead. The other part of me enjoys learning something new with Chad. I am torn about which path to take.

feeling anxious

Two people at my company had babies over the weekend. Both are boys. Both are healthy, perfect, and excitedly received into this world. There has been a joyful buzz around the office all day because of the news. I have mixed emotions inside. Part of me is happy happy happy. The other part is sad and anxious. When will it be my turn?

I try to enjoy these baby-free times. I know someday I'll be pulling my hair out while I remember the golden days of working, playing, and being free. But the tug on my heart is so strong. So deep and real.

Every task I do is connected to thoughts of family, children, and babies. I made my first beef stew on Saturday. It turned out wonderful. As I stirred the thick soup I daydreamed about making soups, cookies, breads & everything else for a housefull of kids. I dreamed of the kids not even realizing how yummy their mommy's food was until they went away to college.

Am I crazy?

orphans, singing, imagination

Saturday night I dreamed about the orphans in Africa. In the dream I brought a little girl home with me. I woke with vivid imagery of this child in my head. In church a couple hours later we sang a song I love. The chorus goes:

This is the One we have waited for.
This is the One we have waited for.
This is the One we have waited for.
This is our God.

It is talking about God, of course, but I sang it with different thoughts in mind. First I thought of the orphans singing it, regarding us adopting them. They were singing, "This is the family we have waited for." Then I thought of my own long-standing desire for a child. Someday I'll be able to say, "This is the one I have waited for." Tears streamed down my face as I had these thoughts about children, the future, and God. It was a sweet experience.

my thoughts on the american dream

The United States is an amazing and wonderful place to live. I know this after visiting South America and Africa. We have so much here. Roads. Schools. Libraries. Hospitals. National Parks. Public Transportation. Postal System. Drinkable water. Technology in general. The list goes on and on. The question remains: The why are Americans unhappy? Why are we discontent? To others in the world we have everything we could ever ask for. When l look around at my friends, coworkers, & acquaintaces I see everyone striving for The American Dream. But what is this ambiguous thing? Some say it's being rich. (Which is a relative concept in itself.) Others think it's living in the mountains with a pond and a pet. And to some it's reaching the top of the corporate latter.

Most Christians reading an paragraph like this have an easy answer. God. God is what satisfies. Chad's former youth pastor answers questions like these the same way every time: Pray. Read your bible. Go to church. But what is the answer for those who pray, read the bible, go to church, but are still unhappy, unfulfilled, and discontent? Anyone?

american dream

Tell me your definition of the "American Dream."